I wish I werent so afraid.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ThoseEmptyWalls, Jan 2, 2009.

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  1. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    I havent been here in what seems like ages. Its not because I have been doing well but ruther that I couldnt be fussed with logging in. Things have got so bad now that I thought Id log in and see what happens. I will update my information after I post this..Anyways, Im off medications again. After about 6 or so different ones (yes just recently). They all made me sick, broke me out, or had other side effects that I just couldnt live with. Im not sure I can keep on going. Life has gotten so bad. My husband is always screaming at my son threating to 'beat his bare ass'. My son is sick (abrasion on his lung due to asmtha) and he wont take his medication and I cant find a way to give it to him when hes asleep. Im feeling like killing my husband. God knows I love him but I cant take him mistreating the baby anymore. I cry and plead with him to stop it but he wont. He makes me feel so sick, like Im dieing inside all over again. To be honest just looking at my son makes me feel guilty so I dont spend much time with him. It breaks my heart when he comes home from visiting with my family because I know his father will just verbally abuse him. I cant do anything to stop it because the cps worker said she will file a court date to take my child if I leave my husband, file for divorce, or kick him out of our home. I called to file a complaint with the new worker about him abusing the child and the worker ignored the complaint - she didnt even come to file the abuse complaint paperwork with me. I want to die so bad because if I was dead I wouldnt have to deal with it, worry about it, or even think about it. But Im to afraid to attempt suicide because I know I would fail. Im just crap at that sort of thing. Tried hanging myself (branch broke off), tried overdose (woke up fine or was rushed to hospital), and slit my wrist (again I woke up fine afterwords). Im thinking of starving myself because I have low blood sugar and am sure it would kill me after a few days but again Im to chicken to do it, I get so hungry and uncomfortable Id surely give in. Therapy isnt helping, I cant find a good medication, and I simly cant deal. I dont have the energy for this bull. Im so edgy..My son chewing with his mouth open, the dogs barking, the rain on the roof, everything makes me angry and sets me off. I find myself yelling a lot and plotting how to starve myself to death (Im so bloody fat if the sugar didnt kill me it would take forever for the lack of food to catch up to me). Well Im annoyed to death. Almost time to hold my son down for the medication (because I cant find a way for him to take it when asleep) which means lots of screaming, kicking, fighting, and probably by getting bit or such. I honestly cant deal with this. I dont go to church anymore, I dread therapy visits, I hate family functions, I dont even want to sleep (or be awake for that matter). Thanks for reading my long past due update.
  2. Altruist

    Altruist Active Member

    Empty Walls. I am very sorry to hear you in so much pain, this really sounds like quite a mess. A few things come to my mind, and excuse me for saying what I must, but if you and your child are being abused by your husband then you can not just sit by and let things happen anymore. You need to do something even if it will require leaving him, I have never heard of a physically abusive person all of a sudden just snapping out of it one day and just being ok. I think that the last thing you should do is leave the child behind through suicide, you must go on. I beg of you to do what you know is right in your heart, what you feel when you look at your baby. If you allow your child to endure the abuse, you will only be allowing the cycle to go on, you have to be strong now to end it and take your child out of harms way. Do not let other feelings or excuses stop you from doing what is right. Hold on and be strong, you will be so proud of yourself if you can do the right thing, just do it. Good luck.
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I think you should start logging all this abuse! Once you have compiled enough evidence ( such as the log, and pictures if he physically abuses you or the child). Then go down and apply for legal aid. Take his ass to court and get a restraining order filed against him. Let the judge decide what is going to happen. You can't keep living like you are. Your child needs you. Once you get the husband out of the picture then just maybe your child will start to calm down. I wish you all the luck!!!We are here to offer support so keep posting o.k.?~Joseph~
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Another thing just popped in my head. Get yourself one of those mini tape recorders and when your husband is berating your child get it on tape. He will hang himself when you take him to court and the judge hears it for himself.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello ThoseEmptyWalls,

    You must be going through hell right now:sad: The sooner you get your child and yourself out of that situation the better. Don't give up hope. like Joseph said,keep gathering evidence of the abuse, hopefully they will at least allow a restraining order to be put into place.

    Your son needs you hun, he will be devastated if you leave. Please don't do this to him. It would shatter his world. If therapy isn't helping you, maybe you should find a new therapist or try a different form of therapy?

    I hope it gets better for you :hug:

    Thinking of you,Lynn :heart:
  6. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    I never said anything about physical abuse!!! My husband does not abuse us in that way. Hes never hit me or my son. He just likes to scream, yell, and cuss at us...I cant record him because its illegal in the state I live and would be thru out and couldnt be used in court. i dont want to leave him anyways so dont give me that crap because its not going to happen unless he does something really bad. Hes backed me up thru the hell Im going thru and Im not leaving him when hes down. Hes held my hair thru voilent sickness, hes held my hand when Im scared, hes been better to me then anyone else ever has. Hes never abonded me and hes never hit me. He spends his last dime to make me happy and buy me shit that I dont even need. Put his attitude beside - I couldnt ask for a better man. My family loves him and backs him up (and me in the fact that I dont want to leave him). Sure I get pissed when he goes on his screaming rampages and makes me feel like crap but I get over it. Hes ill and going thru a hard time. He doesn work anymore because the doctors said his job would paralize him in a few years (hes majorally physically ill) and thats brought on depression. Then this crap with the cps office and all the other bull - hes not hanging in there so well either. Im sorry if no one likes my defending him but I have to. I think I have ever right to love someone who doesnt beat me black and blue ( I have dated abusive men before and hes so far from being like them). If anything I abuse him - I beat the bruises on him sometimes and he doesnt raise his hand back to me. So if anyones a abuser in this relationship its me. I just want to change us - I want us to be happy like we use to be. But, I dont know how. He cant afford medications for depression and therapy isnt helping him. I guess I posted here because I wanted to rant a little - vent - get the feelings off my shoulders. I wanted to admit that Im thinking of suicide (and worse) but I couldnt tell the pdoc of therapist so I thought here was the place to admit to it..
    ps. Im already riding 115 miles to see a therapist because its the closest place that would take me. I have no insurance or way to pay and the only other office anywhere near my house wont take me because my moms the super there.
  7. tendenCs_89

    tendenCs_89 Well-Known Member

    it sounds me that the best way to make yourself feel better is to make your husband feel better and make the house happier.
    has he had therapy or anger managment. Fair enough if hes not physically abusive, but he shouldnt verbally abuse a sick child so you need to stop that.
    Im not an expert on this, but im sure theres different kinds of therapy and approaches. Maybe you should ask your current therapist what is the best course for you
    Much luck
  8. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    First of all... :hug:

    Sorry to hear things are going so rough for you, I really hope things start to improve soon, I'll give you my take on things and advice etc, not sure how useful it'll be though.

    About your husband... it's good he's not being physically abusive but verbally is just as bad, sure it doesn't leave physical scars but it's enough to really upset someone and possibly leave mental scars, as you most likely know. You have a little one to think of as well, I'm not saying you're not thinking of him, don't get me wrong, but your husband needs to realise this isn't the right environment for the little one to grow up in (I'm not using names incase you don't want me to, privacy etc).

    It sounds like he's under a lot of strain himself, being off work due to disability and having the CPS on your backs. Do you think perhaps if you talk to him, maybe he will realise how verbally aggressive he is being, and perhaps seek some help? Maybe see a GP? Perhaps medication or therapy will be a good route for him to take.

    With the little one and his medication, could you talk to the doctor? Maybe if you explain he's not taking the meds without a struggle they could give you liquidised medication, medicine or something.

    Keep trying, don't give up. Suicide doesn't need to be the way out of this. From what you've told me you are obviously a fighter and even though you feel like throwing in the towel right now, you will get through it. Just hang on in there. Anytime you wanna chat feel free to contact me, am here for ya. :hug: x
  9. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    I feel like this is 100% my fault. To explain in the lest amount of detail possible: we dont have sex anymore (I have umm problems and they havent improved much so I avoid the activity). I understand that not being intimate can cause some strain on relationships (expecially from the mans point of view). So I feel like his built up tension is my fault. I have actually begged him to cheat because I felt it would release tension and he would be happier. Of course he wont do that (he loves me for some reason). But this is isnt the sexual relationship forum so I will stop on that for now. He cant afford medication. His insurance isnt very good and he cant get free medications because he has that little bit of insurance in effect. We dont have any money to speak of so once foods bought, car gassed up, few letters mailed out, and all the bills paid we dont have a dime left. No money for medications. So medication isnt an option for him right now. Hes trying therapy but she doesnt think he needs anger managment so she wont put him in for it. His insurance doesnt cover mental health so he goes with me to a free place (115 mile trip). The only other free place local my moms boss at (so thats against their rules there!). Im not sure how to make this house happy again. Seems that the move to this crap hole, the arrival of our son, the loss of his ability to work, and the lack of sex has really turned things sour for us...
    Resistance.... He cant see the doctor again until the 7th (which is next week I think). It takes 2 hours to drive to the doctors office (130 miles all together). Hes been took off his oral meds by this specilist and put on steriod therapy (only way to get it is inhale it). Yes, Im talking about the baby here. Hes getting pretty bad without his oral meds. Hes sneezing and coughing like crazy. Im afraid I will have to visit the local ER because the 7th is still a few days off...I try to fight, been fighting my whole life..But I feel like I deserve a break and sadly the only way to get that break is to give up.
  10. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    what about your kids happiness? you said he was verbally abusing your son and have a cps worker involved... how did he get on that? not accusing just asking. he is obviously deemed at risk in some way? you cannot kill yourself you have a kid to think of and the situation you are in sounds awful fr you and awful for the child. i think you need to put him first. sorry of you won't like that but this child depends on you for everything and needs you. in your first post you talk about what would happen if yu left your husband or kicked him out etc and then in your secind say how wonderful he is. please however hard put the kid first. berate me for saying this if you want to. i do care and yes it sounds like your situation is v hard but a child has no power in this and is 100% dependant on you

    you said:#

    It breaks my heart when he comes home from visiting with my family because I know his father will just verbally abuse him. I cant do anything to stop it because the cps worker said she will file a court date to take my child if I leave my husband, file for divorce, or kick him out of our home. I called to file a complaint with the new worker about him abusing the child and the worker ignored the complaint - she didnt even come to file the abuse complaint paperwork with me.

    that does not sound like mr wonderful to me... please file the complaint again. the child deserves better and so do you
  11. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    Nope, Im demened as the danger actually if you must know.
    In all honesty you dont know what my situation is. And yes at one time he was mr wonderful. He means the world to me. We didnt mean to bring a kid into the mix. I had six misscarriages and was told I would never carry to full term and after the last incident I was told the changes of getting pregnant again were almost zero so we gave up and didnt worry about it. Then bingo Im pregnant and it lasts. When I found out it was going well I asked him to drive me to an abortion clinic. I dont believe in that sort of thing but I was smart enough to realize it would really ruin life as I knew it. He got angry over the suggestion and said if I did something like that he would leave me (hes dead set against that sort of thing). I spoke with my mom about getting a ride to one of those places and she threatned to have me commented into a mental ward. My grandma was the only one backing me up on the idea. Eventually it got to late into the pregnancy for me to even begin to feel comfortable with the idea and I changed my mind. I know it makes me sound like some kind of monster but I didnt want to have a baby. Yeah, Yeah, birth controlls available to anyone who wants it but I honestly thought my chances were to small. I realized life was unstable. We had no money, he was just hurt and took off his job, we lived in a dump, had no car, and my mental status was so bad I knew I couldnt handle the stress of a family life. Hence the cps involvment - complaints of my fragile mental status and the dump we live in... Dont get me wrong I love my son - so dont think for a minute that I dont. I fight everyday to hold onto him and keep him in my life. When things falling apart so quickly hes the one thing worth holding onto. I dont want to loose him but Im not throwing away six years with my husband either. Hes the only person in this world whos ever gave me a happy moment (the first year we spent together was heaven..So I wasnt happy happy but content and could of lived like that forever)...
  12. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    i know you love him.. that is clear. but if he is being screamed at that has to be dealt with yes? im not saying you should leave your partner but ultimately i think you do have to out your kid first or he will be scarred. i am currently pregnant, did not think i could get pregnant either. i am on my own, disabled and all sorts of other probs. i know i couldnt deal with anyone screaming at my kid, i would deck them lol
    you have to tell someone please. for the kids sake. and sounds like you all need more support than you are getting. the kid has to come first. i am not trying to be nasty here.

  13. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    Im sorry I just cant put the kid first.. My marriage comes first. Without my husband Im back at square one again. I would be without a house, money to pay bills, food, and without my son because I would loose him without all the things we would need to live. In my own thoughts thats like about equal to putting him first. I dont expect you to agree with me and I dont need anyone to agree with me on this. Im not loosing that kid because I went against the order to not leave his father. If I did my husband would just end up with him and would loose him too then we would never get him back.. Its all my stupid fault. I ruin everything I get ahold of.. I keep thinking I should have my Dad sell some stuff to pay for a lawyer so I can drawl up legal paper work so when I die my Dad can have him. My Dads nearly 70 which makes him to old in the cps offices eyes to take care of the kid but if I give him the rights on my own free will they cant do shit about it (yes I have looked into this)... I dont know why I started this thread here. I knew all I would get is shit and people trying to look in from outside telling me how monsterous my husband is when its not the case.
  14. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    ok i understand your situation but there has to be a way to keep your marriage and stop your kid from being emotionally scarred? i am not giving you shit. i am thinking of your kid which is right yes? i also am thinking of how you can get help. nobody is saying he is monsterous but you know screaming at a child is not ok because you tried to report it before. there has to be a way where you can all get more support in this. please tell the authorities you need more support
  15. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    I got screamed at growing up. So in all honesty I dont see a big problem with yelling. My mom use to threaten to knock my teeth down my throat. Of course she never did but the point Im making is the yelling. Do you not think I want my husband to stop his damn yelling at everyone? Of course I do. But I cant do shit to stop him. I have tried to make reports (so has the whole flucking neighborhood from what I have been told). Loud voices isnt considered abuse in this part of the world - expecially not when the person doing the yelling is death in both ears (hey death folks talk louder then normal people). Theres not a bloody thing I can do to controll my husbands emotions and how he chooses to show them to the world. Dont you think I havent tried talking to him, getting him in therapy, kicking him out? Yeah I have talked to him (about a million times over the past four years). Yeah I have put him therapy.. Yeah I have left a few times but had to go back home before the bitch (cps worker) caught wind of it. I have tried all I know how to try and what I can try on my limited resources. Im doing the best I can here - granted its not great but I have gave it a fair shot - I failed.
  16. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    you havent failed cos you are still trying to find a solution. maybe someone else here has some ideas or a different slant on things. i am not meaning to judge you and am sorry if you feel i have. but having come from an abusive home i know what it did to me, and screaming at kids is not ok in my book so yes i will say what i think. i do feel for you tho and see how hard you have tried. i don't know what is available where you live. there has to be some help somewhere. anyone??
  17. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    We are all intitled to our oppinions..
  18. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    yes and i dont think i am wrong in saying a child should not have to spend its life being screamed at, or wrong to say that child has to come first. i cannot contribute more to this thread. i know you are upset but this makes me feel sick so i hope others jump in to help you. don't get angry tho if they tell you that the kid should come before you. i hope the right thing happens for all of you but esp the kid :(
  19. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I'm sorry for my first post but the way it came across I thought you and your child were being abused. If you want to stay with him then that is fine. Somehow you are going to have to get him to stop berating your son. You say you were brought up with a bunch of yelling in your family. Think back and think what it did to you. You know my therapist tells me that your only a failure if you quit trying. So If you want to keep your family together then you need to step up and be assertive to let your husband know that he is going to cause your child to grow and have major problems. You say he is already ill, so he is fighting to live, he doesn't need to be knocked backwards he needs positive input. I'm sorry if what I have said hurts but I am thinking of the child. You both are adults so you can take care of yourselves. Sorry but that is the way I see it. Like you also said everyone has there own opinions. Well that is mine. Take Care and I hope you can work it out!!!~Joseph~
  20. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    I made a journal here. It has some thoughts in it about this subject. If anyone wants to read it - its there. I wont post more right now because I dont have anything nice to say (and since I have nothing nice to say to those who have responded, I wont say anything at all).
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