I havent been here in what seems like ages. Its not because I have been doing well but ruther that I couldnt be fussed with logging in. Things have got so bad now that I thought Id log in and see what happens. I will update my information after I post this..Anyways, Im off medications again. After about 6 or so different ones (yes just recently). They all made me sick, broke me out, or had other side effects that I just couldnt live with. Im not sure I can keep on going. Life has gotten so bad. My husband is always screaming at my son threating to 'beat his bare ass'. My son is sick (abrasion on his lung due to asmtha) and he wont take his medication and I cant find a way to give it to him when hes asleep. Im feeling like killing my husband. God knows I love him but I cant take him mistreating the baby anymore. I cry and plead with him to stop it but he wont. He makes me feel so sick, like Im dieing inside all over again. To be honest just looking at my son makes me feel guilty so I dont spend much time with him. It breaks my heart when he comes home from visiting with my family because I know his father will just verbally abuse him. I cant do anything to stop it because the cps worker said she will file a court date to take my child if I leave my husband, file for divorce, or kick him out of our home. I called to file a complaint with the new worker about him abusing the child and the worker ignored the complaint - she didnt even come to file the abuse complaint paperwork with me. I want to die so bad because if I was dead I wouldnt have to deal with it, worry about it, or even think about it. But Im to afraid to attempt suicide because I know I would fail. Im just crap at that sort of thing. Tried hanging myself (branch broke off), tried overdose (woke up fine or was rushed to hospital), and slit my wrist (again I woke up fine afterwords). Im thinking of starving myself because I have low blood sugar and am sure it would kill me after a few days but again Im to chicken to do it, I get so hungry and uncomfortable Id surely give in. Therapy isnt helping, I cant find a good medication, and I simly cant deal. I dont have the energy for this bull. Im so edgy..My son chewing with his mouth open, the dogs barking, the rain on the roof, everything makes me angry and sets me off. I find myself yelling a lot and plotting how to starve myself to death (Im so bloody fat if the sugar didnt kill me it would take forever for the lack of food to catch up to me). Well Im annoyed to death. Almost time to hold my son down for the medication (because I cant find a way for him to take it when asleep) which means lots of screaming, kicking, fighting, and probably by getting bit or such. I honestly cant deal with this. I dont go to church anymore, I dread therapy visits, I hate family functions, I dont even want to sleep (or be awake for that matter). Thanks for reading my long past due update.