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I wish it would just f-ing kill me...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by wonderer, Jan 3, 2008.

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  1. wonderer

    wonderer Well-Known Member

    I'm sick, they don't know why or whats going on, they've been back and forth between saying I have something and saying I'm just fucking crazy. They're back to deciding I'm sick AND crazy because whatever I've got is supposedly messing with my brain.

    I've been in counselling, it hasn't done shit. Regardless of what the hell is wrong with me, both my mom and my best friend say I'm emotionally abusive. The friend is probably never going to speak to me again. I sent an email asking if I could call her, and I don't know if I'm more scared of getting an answer or of not getting an answer. I don't deserve to be alive. The longer I'm here the more I'm going to hurt people. The world would have been better off if I had never been born.

    I want to die so bad, but I refuse to kill myself in a location that will leave my family to find my body, and I can't really get out of here right now... I want so bad to change, I hate the person I've become, I'm totally worthless and I don't deserve to be alive. I've been in counselling, but it hasn't helped. My depression's gotten worse as well. The only hope I see for myself right now is getting into the hospital, but they're not going to take me... I have a psych. eval. mon., and even if they do, I'll only have 2 weeks before I've got to be back at school. Thats not enough time to do anything.

    The last few days I've been too depressed to speak, I've hardly gotten out of bed...

    I wish whatever the hell's wrong with me would just kill me and save me the trouble. I'm tired of sitting here while this... whatever it is... steals away my life and locks me away alone and steals my soul. At least if I'm dead... so is it.
  2. sorrowstealer

    sorrowstealer Member

    Don't ever think that you are wothless. You are worth more than you can imagine. No one is born without a purpose. Hang in there.
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Rae,I know how you feel. I found out my cancer is back. Please Rae, you are so important to others here. I hope you can find the courage to hang on. :cheekkiss
  4. blade

    blade Well-Known Member

    right on hun!
    everyone does have a reason!


    u are very inprotant to someone!
    everyone on this is inportant to me!

  5. wonderer

    wonderer Well-Known Member

    I don't think I'm gonna be ok...
    My mom told me tonight that some of the things she's said to me that I'm upset about - that I made them up. And this is her trying to be understanding and comforting...
    Its not worth it. I'm not worth it. Nothing I will ever do will ever make a difference to anyone. Maybe its time. Maybe tomorrow should be the day.
  6. wonderer

    wonderer Well-Known Member

    There is a hole in me where my soul should be. I'm breaking.
  7. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    That's rubbish. You are an amazing person Rae, you have helped me so much over the last few days. Kept me going. You very much deserve to be alive, you are a kind and caring person.

    Please take care :hug:
  8. Ogre101

    Ogre101 Member

    I'm new to this site Wonderer and I'm truely sadened by your illness. Hang on till monday for your evaluation. Give them a chance please.

    From reading the replies it seems like you have done a lot of good work on this forum. Worthless, I think not !!
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