I wish it would stop.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by CatherineC, Nov 22, 2010.

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  1. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    I think I've had enough. I'm 46 years old and I've been battling depression since I was 8. I was eventually diagnosed as Bipolar but it took years (and to be honest, I did most of the diagnosing)
    I've fought and fought and fought. I've gone from being a 16 year old single mother living on one of the worst council estates in the UK to having 2 degrees, a good job and owning a four bedroom Victorian semi in one of the best parts of Manchester. I've got a marriage which has lasted over 20 years, 3 grown up daughters, a small group of very close and supportive friends and I have absolutely nothing to complain about. Yet the depression still comes along with brutal regularity and totally screws my life up yet again. I'm so tired of it happening. It's always going to happen, it's never going to go away and I don't want to live with it anymore. I'm so tired of it.
    If I had enough meds, I'd take the lot but the doctor has me on weekly prescriptions so I can't. I don't want to talk to anyone. I've spent most of my life talking to people. There's not a lot I don't know about the subject of depression and Bipolar Disorder. I'm sick of talking about it.
    I'm just so tired of the whole thing.
  2. All these mixed emotions

    All these mixed emotions Well-Known Member

    I dont know what to say.... i think you have done a good work, i mean you qualify for life; made love, made kids... What more can one ask for?

    And as bipolar you know that its gonna swing back to i nice happy manic time, where everthing is possible and remember that there is things that you still wanna enjoy, like some grandchildren or something?

    You also know already why you shouldnt die, it will break some hearts...

    And i understand you are tired, you seem to have lived a kinnda fullfilling life, well exept for depressions etc.

    Did it happen something to youthat maybe triggerd youre situtaion/diagnose?


  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I truly felt that way and then met a wise therapist who sent me (finally) to a competent pdoc, and the bottom is not as low and there are times when it is not dark...please keep trying; and post to let us know how you are doing...big hugs, J
  4. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    I feel this way so much of the time I dont remember what your supose to feel like.

    Since youve done so much research and have learned so much on the disease, do you think you can help others try and understand it?
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    it's okay to be tired but don't give up. i know what it's like. i've been on and off suicidal since i was 12, i'm 45 now. i'm also bipolar. it helps me to remember that these depressions come in waves. when i'm in the grip of a depression it feels like i've always felt that way, and always will into teh future. but it's a lie. i can and do feel better. you will too. this will pass.
  6. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    I'd echo all that's been said in the last few posts. You know yourself that there's gonna be low times, you're educated on the subject and you know far more about it than I ever will. By the same token, you know how to deal with it. The hard part is remembering it.

    My PM box is always open, particularly to someone whose work and words on this forum I greatly respect.

    Much love,
  7. MightyMatt

    MightyMatt Well-Known Member

    Hi again Catherine!

    You have achieved so much in your life! Your an inspiration to people like me... hearing how you have managed to battle depression and lead a fulfilled, successful life really gives me hope for the future! Not only that but you always have time to offer advice to others... You wouldn't believe the relief I felt when you sent me that P.M. about those work related issues i was having... Wow! What a weight off my shoulders that was! Sometimes it's good to take a step back and look closely at your life... I hope you realize exactly how far you have come! This world needs people like you... Your a real fighter :)

    All the best
    Matt x

    P.S. I hope that soon you can add published novelist to your list of achievements ;
  8. dartofabaris

    dartofabaris Well-Known Member

    I'd echo Matt the mighty's words.....and as In Limbo said, i too don't know as much as you about the myriad of psycological issues but are there some unrequited wants waiting to be satisfied...is there a deep seated regret? Matt's right, you now need some time to think about yourself independent of all your filial and friendly affiliations and achievements..how do you see yourself and what things mean the most to you? Combating such depression is exceptionally hard..i left my mates, threw away my college education at which iv always excelled, lost my ex-gf for similar reasons...but i decided wrongly, on self-imposed isolation which led to grinding disassociative tendencies. You know much Catherine and im certain all the professional help you'v recieved is more practical than my infantile suggestions; but perhaps finding some emotional placation without meds can be achieved by re-discovering things you'v not done/ wanting to do in a while? finding new sides to you can help i think.
  9. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Thank you all for the posts and also thanks to the people who sent PM's and messages. I'm feeling much better now, just needed to ride it out. My waves of depression/mania come in such cycles that they should be classed as a form of exercise:biggrin:

    Thanks particularly for these comments (and some others but I don't know how to do the multi quote thing)
    I do have some regrets. At primary school I was classed as academically very bright, I have an IQ which tested in the top 1% and I won a scholarship to a very posh Convent School. It all went downhill from there really and I've never felt like I fulfilled the potential expected of me. I've always resented that it was the illness that stopped me from achieving that potential. I try really hard to concentrate on what I have achieved but it never seems to be enough. I may have a good job but I don't earn a lot and I'm the 'breadwinner' in the household since my husband isn't really well enough to work.
    I've learnt everything I possibly could about this illness and I've spent at least 20 years doing that. I'm more than happy to share any knowledge I've got and I do actually do that as part of my job. (on a voluntary basis)
    I think that's part of the problem though. The more I've learnt, the more I realise how little I know. Add to that, the more I've learnt that I have to control things like stressors. I never drink alcohol for example. I never go to pubs/clubs at weekend because the crowds of people can set me off. There's a huge long list of things that I avoid because they can act as a stressor and sometimes it gets too much. It's like I can't ever relax the vigilence.
    I loathe that, I feel like I'm being 'precious' and attention seeking. I don't want to be either of those things.
    The effect that my illness has on my family is also soul destroying. It wears them out. Seeing that makes me worse.
    Thanks again for all your kind words. They mean a lot. Thanks for taking the time to read this ramble too :biggrin:
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