I wish my Dad would kill me...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by lotte, Mar 12, 2012.

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  1. lotte

    lotte Well-Known Member

    Haven't been on this site in a very very long time. I'm so afraid of my dad. He hates me and yells at me and won't leave me alone. He asked me to call my college consuler today and schedule for next year. She told me what to do to schedule, but apperantly he wanted me to schedule right then and there. He said he will never take care of me or look after me again. He wants me out of the house, but he can't leagally kick me out yet. I want to cut so bad right now, but I'm going to my neurologist in a few days and she always checks. I really wish I were dead. He hurts me so bad, though never physically and my counslers think that it's all in my head. They don't think that he's verbally attacking me! He says that I'm selfish and that he's absolutely finished with me. My moms not much better. She hates me, really hates me. She loves my brother so much more and she really wouldn't mind if I was never born. she does care if I kill myself though- selfish. She hates all girls though- it's not fair. I wish I wasn't going to hurt myself tonight- I was so proud of myself for calling my consoler ( because talking to anyone is really hard for me) I've been diagnosed with so many things, and my dad hates it because now he has to pay for all of my medications and he won't buy me anything else ( not even shampoo) because he says he already spent enough money on therapy and hospitialization, and lots of pills. I don't blame him for wanting to kick me out- I cause him so much grief. But why doesn't he see the amount of grief he causes me. Every time I'm around him I want to hurt myself, but every time he is away I feel anxious and alone. He says he has to caudle my emotions and that it's not his responsibility to be nice to me all the time. But I think it kind of is! He's my Dad! He handels my roughly and never understands anything. He always thinks that he's right and I hope that one day he kills me. I really hope that he kills me. That way I don't have to do it, and he can be satisfied and in jail. I really really wish that he'd kill me. I hate my Dad and I want to get out of here. I needed to get this out, hopefully it will calm the urge to cut.
     
  2. scarlettdrknss

    scarlettdrknss Well-Known Member

    My friend is in a situation similar to yours. The only difference your text has to her story is that she hasn't been diagnosed with anything (as far as I now). She's been saying the same thing, that she wants her father to kill her to get it over with. I'm not very good at comforting people, far from it, but things will change you know. Your life has the chance to change completely when you move out. You can turn your back on your father and your family and leave them behind. I know forgetting it is impossible but you can have a new start, make your own family when you move out and that will definitely change your life. Who knows it might even make life worth living. Though you'll never know unless you try.
     
  3. lotte

    lotte Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much for your reply. It meant a lot to me. I ended up cutting, but not too deep and your reply really helped to calm me. Are you new to this site? If you are, welcome! People here are generally very caring and are going through a lot too. Thanks again for your reply. I hope you find the support here that you need.
     
  4. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    I'm sorry that your family treats you this way. My family isn't very kind to me either, so I can understand how much that can hurt. scarlet is right, you can always start over fresh and have a new beginning. You just have to believe that you can do anything you set your mind to. I hope things will get better for you soon. :hug:
     
  5. lotte

    lotte Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your kind reply!:thanks:
     
  6. scarlettdrknss

    scarlettdrknss Well-Known Member

    i'm really glad it helped, lotte =] i was afraid it wouldn't help because i had the experience that replies just made me even more angry because i hate it when people just say "everything'll be fine," without much reason but if it calmed, then.. yay! x3
    yeah, i'm new, thx x]
     
  7. Descendant

    Descendant Account Closed

    Hi Lotte, it really is sad how families can be so misunderstanding. My dad is somewhat similar, he doesn't verbally abuse me like what your dad does (thank God!) but whenever he talks to me his tone is contemptuous and it's always something condescending. Sometimes I feel like I barely register as a human being in his book and only tolerates me because I share half his genes, otherwise he would want nothing to do with me. Every now and then he'll try to motivate me with a little speech and tell me how much he loves me, but the next day goes right back to treating me like a worthless degenerate so it's hard for me to take him seriously about any of it. Just like you there's times I wish he would finish what he started - he tried to have me aborted - and shoot me; sometimes I wish my mom would of gone through with it so I won't have to correct their mistake myself.

    But in an an effort to understand why he treats me the way he does I try to put myself in his shoes and see through his eyes, and it occurs to me just how difficult severe depression is to truly understand by observation alone. I think after awhile a parent starts to feel utterly perplexed and helpless to do anything about their child's illness when they don't reciprocate or respond to their attempted fixes, which leads to frustration and eventually to anger and contempt when the situation continues on and on without any end in sight or sign of improvement. They don't understand that depression doesn't just simply go away the like the flu with a few spoon fulls of medicine. It's quite literally a psychological war on yourself, and like all wars it is long and bloody and the recovery is hard, but they don't know that and they never will unless they've been through it themselves. It doesn't excuse or justify the way your father treats you, but I think it makes it a little easier to bear when you know why they act as they do.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 13, 2012
  8. lotte

    lotte Well-Known Member

    Descendant, I'm sorry for what you're going through. I really appreciate and can understand your second paragraph. I think my dad gets afraid too, but he expresses his fear as anger. Sometimes I feel that he loves me so much that he just wants to shoot me because he doesn't want to see me go through some of the things I go through.
    It's nice that you are so open to understanding your father. I wish I had that kind of tolerance and apathy with mine. Thanks for your reply!
     
  9. Descendant

    Descendant Account Closed

    You're welcome, you're completely worth the time and effort that I put into it and you're worth your fathers time and effort, too, just remember that. I wish I had a magical solution to fix your relationship because it hurts just reading what turmoil it's putting you through, but I can't fix my own relationships so I'm hardly qualified to give one.

    Deep down your father loves you, though - you've probably heard this a lot so forgive me for repeating it. I know sometimes it's really hard to see that and completely lost on us at most times - I've been thoroughly and utterly convinced that my dad hates me to the core but I always remember that it isn't true, that there's evidence to the contrary even if it takes me a long time to see; they're hard on us because they want to us succeed, and in a way they consider themselves to be part of the problem - for being too soft and letting you become dependent - so in an effort to correct their parental mistakes and make you progress they go to the opposite extreme.

    Flawed as parents are this "tough love" act is often grossly ill timed and poorly executed, but they do it because they want to see us become strong and independent individuals and being cruel is the only way they know of to accomplish that. Even if in the end it may destroy us because they overestimate our resilience to such treatment, and if it doesn't we hate them for it. They know of these possible outcomes, but take that risk because in their desperation and ignorance it's the only solution they can think of.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 16, 2012
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