Hey everyone
ive not been online for a while for various reasons but apologies to those etc that have had to wait a long time for a reply to their PM's etc!!
As i say it is for various reasons i have not been here.ive not been doing so good.im still taking piles and piles of tablets in overdose daily.If anything it is increasing.But i can certainly say for certain it certainly isnt decreasing.And it is making me more ill.im just feeling sicker,weaker and id just like this to be over now please.i am finding it more of a struggle to deal iwth the physical effects than i used to.There are so many.The excessive sweating,dry mouth and dehydration,bleeding,occasional hallucinations [on really heavy days],feeling sick/being sick,intermittent stomach pain,probems with memory and sometimes with co-ordination/balance and confusion,increased anxiety and agitation etc so yeah i think you get the picture....i'll say i have to keep doing this as these things are part of hte punishment and youll tell me i dont need to be punished............i only wish i could believe that as you do if you do.But i dont.i dont know why.i dont remember any time in my life where ive felt i dont need to be punished though.
But apart from my not doing too well with that im also upset at the moment.The tablets are making me more ill.i have few people in my life and even fewer who know my situation but the tablets are making me more ill than they used to and so no matter what i do i appear more ill visibly to those around me.They get upset then and even more upset that i cant accept help/simply do not want help.It upsets me that they are upset about that.And it also upsets me a great deal that i simply do not want help,cant get myself interested in it or life.There are times right now i so wish i wanted help cos i see how much this upsets those around me.Someimtimes i wish i could make myself want help but i cant.i get so frustrated iwth myself as i know others do too.
i so wish i wanted help.It so much upsets that it is simply something i do not want.i cant explain it.All i know is that it upsets me and other people and that i simply do not want it.i cant explain it.i dont know that i understand it entirely or at all to be honest either.i just know that i really strongly do not want help [oh and dont deserve it either].Thats all i know.
Another thing im not saying im gonna do anything alone these lines or nothing.But i was thinking the other day.And something just crossed my mind.i dont know why.im not planning on doing this or anythihng and in fact the explanation im about to give you is more to illustrate and help you to understand the more broad question behind the scenario if you like.For some reason i was thinking that if i did a suicide note to leave before i died who would i write it for - i dont know why i was only assuming i could only have one lol but i did.My answer was immediate.The problems for me was that the answer was not my family.Cos when i thought about it i feel that is what i should have come up with.i guess because i guess thats what a lot of people come up with.And also i feel very very disloyal now that that wasnt what i came up with.i feel really bad about it.But the thought had never occurred ot me it would be them i write for if i wrote before i die.Even if i had ever thought of doing a note i had never spent even a second imagining it would be for them.But now i feel bad about the answer to my own question.Who would i write for?And my more broad question is is it bad or does it say something negative about you as a person if you are a lot more close to people outside your family?Is that bad?Is it wrong?i dont even have much contact with my family at all except the odd birthday/christmas card i send.The lack of contact is for complex reasons and they do not know where i am too [not being comfortable or not being able to feel less frightened and therefore tell them where im too is something i already feel much guilt and disloyalty about and now this tooo.]
i'll stop rambling now and sorry if this has been hard to understand........im just struggling right now and when your a person who so wishes that you wanted help but you know you simply dont your in trouble.............
Its almost upsetting me as much as others now that i dont want help but acknowledging that i wish i did is even harder for me to cope with.Because when you wish to want something.And you still cant make it come,make yourself want it you know your in a very difficult and troubled place..........
ive not been online for a while for various reasons but apologies to those etc that have had to wait a long time for a reply to their PM's etc!!
As i say it is for various reasons i have not been here.ive not been doing so good.im still taking piles and piles of tablets in overdose daily.If anything it is increasing.But i can certainly say for certain it certainly isnt decreasing.And it is making me more ill.im just feeling sicker,weaker and id just like this to be over now please.i am finding it more of a struggle to deal iwth the physical effects than i used to.There are so many.The excessive sweating,dry mouth and dehydration,bleeding,occasional hallucinations [on really heavy days],feeling sick/being sick,intermittent stomach pain,probems with memory and sometimes with co-ordination/balance and confusion,increased anxiety and agitation etc so yeah i think you get the picture....i'll say i have to keep doing this as these things are part of hte punishment and youll tell me i dont need to be punished............i only wish i could believe that as you do if you do.But i dont.i dont know why.i dont remember any time in my life where ive felt i dont need to be punished though.
But apart from my not doing too well with that im also upset at the moment.The tablets are making me more ill.i have few people in my life and even fewer who know my situation but the tablets are making me more ill than they used to and so no matter what i do i appear more ill visibly to those around me.They get upset then and even more upset that i cant accept help/simply do not want help.It upsets me that they are upset about that.And it also upsets me a great deal that i simply do not want help,cant get myself interested in it or life.There are times right now i so wish i wanted help cos i see how much this upsets those around me.Someimtimes i wish i could make myself want help but i cant.i get so frustrated iwth myself as i know others do too.
i so wish i wanted help.It so much upsets that it is simply something i do not want.i cant explain it.All i know is that it upsets me and other people and that i simply do not want it.i cant explain it.i dont know that i understand it entirely or at all to be honest either.i just know that i really strongly do not want help [oh and dont deserve it either].Thats all i know.
Another thing im not saying im gonna do anything alone these lines or nothing.But i was thinking the other day.And something just crossed my mind.i dont know why.im not planning on doing this or anythihng and in fact the explanation im about to give you is more to illustrate and help you to understand the more broad question behind the scenario if you like.For some reason i was thinking that if i did a suicide note to leave before i died who would i write it for - i dont know why i was only assuming i could only have one lol but i did.My answer was immediate.The problems for me was that the answer was not my family.Cos when i thought about it i feel that is what i should have come up with.i guess because i guess thats what a lot of people come up with.And also i feel very very disloyal now that that wasnt what i came up with.i feel really bad about it.But the thought had never occurred ot me it would be them i write for if i wrote before i die.Even if i had ever thought of doing a note i had never spent even a second imagining it would be for them.But now i feel bad about the answer to my own question.Who would i write for?And my more broad question is is it bad or does it say something negative about you as a person if you are a lot more close to people outside your family?Is that bad?Is it wrong?i dont even have much contact with my family at all except the odd birthday/christmas card i send.The lack of contact is for complex reasons and they do not know where i am too [not being comfortable or not being able to feel less frightened and therefore tell them where im too is something i already feel much guilt and disloyalty about and now this tooo.]
i'll stop rambling now and sorry if this has been hard to understand........im just struggling right now and when your a person who so wishes that you wanted help but you know you simply dont your in trouble.............
Its almost upsetting me as much as others now that i dont want help but acknowledging that i wish i did is even harder for me to cope with.Because when you wish to want something.And you still cant make it come,make yourself want it you know your in a very difficult and troubled place..........