I wish that I was dead

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by silverflash, Aug 26, 2006.

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  1. silverflash

    silverflash Well-Known Member

    Does anybody have any advice for me? Once again I woke up this morning and my first thought was "I wish that I was dead". How can I carry on when it hits me in the face as soon as I wake up? I know that you have probably heard it all before but I don't feel that I can carry on anymore. I have nothing to live for and my only existence is PAIN. I hate myself and I hate life. I can never escape the pain of living. Nobody cares - and the people who are paid to care (ie the doctors etc) care even less. If the doctors don't care, why should anyone care? The world would be a better place without me, I'm sure. One less person to breathe the air and to use the resources that could be given to other people who deserve it more than I do. I have been told by so many doctors etc that they can't help me. Nobody is willing to put themselves out and to give me the treatment that I need to get better. There is no hope - that is why I wish that I was dead.
     
  2. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    hi

    i just wanna say that you may feel that no one cares but i care and im sure a hell alot of people on here do awell, giving in to your thoughts is like letting it defeat you, and im sure your stong enough to not let that happen! if you feel your not getting the right treament go to someone who can, go to a differnt doctors etc, some doctors do care and will give you full support, but you've gotta find it first before you can get the help you need, stay in there! remember depression is an illness and can be helped, its not you thats controlling this, its the illness controlling your brain, so dont give in! im sure your stonger than that! remember people care, we care! stay in there!

    stay safe!

    vikki xxx

    im here if you wanna talk :hug:
     
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I can assure you that you will find many people at SF that really do care about you. What is it that makes you feel pain all of time? What sort of treatment is it you need that the doctors will not provide? I can assure you that the world would not be a better place without you. Hang in there hun. Take care. :hug:
     
  4. silverflash

    silverflash Well-Known Member

    I was raped and then later diagnosed with PTSD. However, everywhere I go, the doctors all say that I am too traumatised to be helped because as soon as they get to the painful bit, I begin to have a kind of convulsion and then I scream. Everybody is frightened of this. All I want is to get rid of this feeling of hysteria. I was initially put on anti-depressants, but then was told (by the psychiatrist) that as I wasn't depressed, I didn't need them. He then said that there was nothing more that he could do for me. I went to a psychologist and was told that he couldn't help as I was too traumatised. The story just goes round and round. I have been to 15 medical professionals and they all can't help me. That is why I feel it is so hopeless and that I want to die.
    Thanks Gentlelady for saying that the world would not be a better place if I was dead, but quite simply, I can't believe that. I really wish that one of the doctors would say that because if they really believed that, they would do their upmost to help me. It wouldn't be so bad if they tried to help me and it didn't work, but when they will not even try, the message is I AM WORTHLESS!!!
    Thank you Vikki for your thread. I really wish I was stronger. I have been fighting this situation for 2 years and I am SO TIRED. It is so hard when you wake up and have to fight to get through the day from your very first thought - ie I wish that I was dead.
    I wish that I could see a positive end to all of this, but I can't. All I can see is PAIN!
     
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I can relate so well to what you are going through. I know you do not know my past, and I will not share it here right now, but know that it includes some of the things you have mentioned. I know the pain of PTSD and how hard it is to relive the trauma. I still feel your life is important. I also believe that you can recieve help. Even with the reactions you have, it can be worked through. I have been there. If you would like to talk PM me .I will give you the addy for MSN or AIM if you have either of these. :hug:
     
  6. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    sorry i dont know what i can say really, but i find it really odd that they say they cant help you even when you feel suicidle, the medical association should be there for people in situations like this but instead they've turned their back, and i find the highly unprofessional, im sure their have been people with worse post PTSD than you but im sure they helped them in some kind of way. ( i didnt mean that like your PTSD isn't that bad but i mean like allthough yours seems to be really bad that their may have mean people with worse than PTSD than you) * ill just pull my foot out of my mouth lol* i dont mean it in like a nasty way i just mean i can't believe they would just turn around and say they cant help you
     
  7. silverflash

    silverflash Well-Known Member

    Don't worry - Nobody believes my story because it is so unbelievable. Everybody believes that the medical professionals are there to help people like me. All I can say is that I am telling you the TRUTH.
    What I have been told is that it is not the PTSD that is my biggest problem, but it is my severe reaction - ie the convulsions that is the problem. I am no medical person, but I see the convulsions just as a physical form of the hysteria which is what I feel when I am put into a situation when I have to think about what has happened to me.
    That is why I wish that I was dead because there is no support available to help me to face the past and if I can't deal with the past, I don't want to carry on this existence. I am in a no win situation.
     
  8. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    i believe you! so does everyone here, its gonna take time for you to deal with what happened, and the convulsions are away of you and your body to cope with what happened, thinking bout what happened simply 'overloads' your emotionts and mind thats why the convulsions happens, im here if you ever need to talk remember that, im sorry i just dont know what to say, im new to all this, and im not the best person to give out advice, and some of the things iv seen on the forum have got me down and simply i dont know what to say. sorry im not a great deal of help, never have been

    sorry

    vikki x :hug:
     
  9. silverflash

    silverflash Well-Known Member

    Vikki you don't need to say sorry. All I can say is thank you for understanding a bit of what I am going through. You are a big help by the fact that you haven't told me to go away like the "medical professionals". In a sense there is nothing to say because my story is so unbelievable. I am not looking for great pieces of advice. The fact that you have supported me through your words does help significantly. I too am new to SF, but I am finding that it is the fact that people try to understand that can help the most today.
    Thank you
     
  10. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    i am trying to understand, but iv never heard an unbelievable story like yours, before comming on this forum id only heard about rape or suicide on the news, but then comming on here was a bit of a shock to the system, iv never seen someone say there about to kill themselfs etc. i actually found this forum by mistake, i was actually looking for a site on ways to kill yourself but im glad to say i found this site where you can talk to people who can relate to what your going thru, if i have helped in anyway then im very very very happy that i could help in the smallest way, i am trying to understand but this is the first time iv ever talked about someone being raped so im just trying to find words to say im just finding it difficult because im an extremely shy person on real life, i am truely happy iif iv helped you in anywy, there are people who do understand and are here for you :smile:

    vikki x :hugs:
     
  11. me1

    me1 Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear your story silverflash. As a male i wont pretend to understand what you must be going through other than it must be horrendous, but i sympathise and want you to know that nobody here will ever tell you to go away, we all care. Take care.

    grant (TheAM)
     
  12. silverflash

    silverflash Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your support. Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping me to get through today. It has been a tough day and I'm in tears as I write this, but thank you...
     
  13. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    (((Silverflash)))

    Welcome to the friendliest site anywhere!:smile: I know what it's like to be traumatized by rape. It happened to me almost thirty years ago and I've NEVER forgotten the event or my feelings about it. Especially since the rapist was a "friend" of one of my (supposed:dry: ) friends. I took it to court and even with witnesses to his behavior and conversation after the incident, he was acquitted!!!!!:eek:hmy: :mad:

    I'm sorry you seem to have run into a brick wall with the "professionals" you've encountered so far. There HAS to be professional counselors SOMEWHERE where you are that will do something positive for you. There HAS to be!!! They can't ALL be such jerks and idiots.:mad:

    Please come back here to vent and get support from us. We DO care about and love you, if for no other reason than that you're another person in pain and misery - like we are! Please don't give up on yourself. Your life has meaning and value, even if you can't see it right now.

    I don't know what else to tell you just now except that I LOVE YOU AND CARE ABOUT YOU!:smile: I'm sending you lots of love and hugs and support and hope, lots of HOPE.

    least xoxoxox
     
  14. silverflash

    silverflash Well-Known Member

    I wish that my stupid doctors, psychciatrists, counsellors etc could see the hope that you have given me in your post. You do a better job than they do and I wish that they could see that they are such jerks for not being able to try to help me. It makes me so angry to think that they consider me as having no worth or else they would have tried to have helped me. Has my life really got any meaning and value? I wish that I could believe that.
    I really wish that I could believe that there was some hope of finding somebody to help me. I have searched for 2 years, but hey ho you don't know about tomorrow, but I bet that the chance of somebody being willing to help me through the trauma is slim.
    Thank you for caring enough to write to me.
     
  15. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    (((Silverflash)))

    I bet the chance of finding someone is not that slim - it just seems that way due to the incredible odds of your having found nothing but jerks and nincompoops so far. Keep searching, there's bound to be someone better.

    Sending you MORE love and hugs and support and HOPE, lots of HOPE!!

    least

    PS; have you considered filing a formal complaint against these "unprintable words" of professionals who have been more a hindrance than a help to you? I would. Go way over their pointed little heads and complain. Force them to WAKE UP AND SMELL THE B******T!!!!:mad: Force them to realize that the stench they smell is COMING FROM THEM!!!!!!!!
     
  16. zura

    zura Guest

    Wassup Silverflash!I hope u'll survive another day,and the day after another,and the day after the day after another,bla..bla....that's all that i can say..My case is quite similar to that of yours..I care bout you cos I knoe how it feels like...If normal people can't help you,why don't we settle down 2gether...Both suicidal pals...Maybe we can assist each other...Instead of counting the days,when will it be?I hope I'll 'go' first...
     
  17. silverflash

    silverflash Well-Known Member

    I wish that my stupid f***ing ex psychiatrist could see your comment. He would certainly have his feathers ruffled to be called a nincompoop, but actually, that is too polite!! Yes I have considered filing a complaint, but dealing with life takes all of my energy. I have no extra energy to 'fight' the system.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 26, 2006
  18. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Fight it anyway, Silverflash!:smile: It's a great place/way to 'discharge' some of that rage and frustration against those a******s, and since they've got it coming,:mad: go ahead and give it to them! Polite, but firm, very firm. Assured in the knowledge that YOU'RE in the right and they're in the wrong, and that, as professionals, they are liable for certain mistakes, both of 'commission' and 'omission'.

    I know the no energy feeling.:sad: I've been there and still go there sometimes. But consult someone in the "formal complaint" field. Get someone on your side, legally and ethically.:wink: :smile: Depending on where you live, you may be able to get these kinds of services free or reduced cost. I KNOW you have no energy - FORCE YOURSELF, just for a bit, to seek your Knight in shining armour to go out against the Rusty Nuts.:rolleyes: :smile:

    If I can crawl out of my pit of despair (with the help of Pdoc, meds, and MY FRIENDS HERE:smile: ), so can you. Reach out, grab my hand: I'll pull while you push. Start something. :rolleyes: :wink:

    love,

    least

    IMPORTANT: Start writing down as many details as you can about whom and when and what was said and done (or not done). Info info information: the more, the better
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 26, 2006
  19. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    sorry i just love that word!! lmao, i dunno why tho! :blink:

    vikki x

    ps. i completely agree with least
     
  20. rachypooh

    rachypooh Well-Known Member

    I dont know your story just what is in the thread here, but from what I have read you are doing it tough. And I would like to learn more about you
    I am going through a similar situation with my so called 'professionals' they just dont believe what I have to deal with, some even accused me of making it up. If I was making this up do you think I would have ended up in hospital 9 times in four months. If I was making it up do you think I would be doing this sort of stuff to myself, Why would I make up voices, alters, self harming etc.
    I just dont get how they can treat people like that, one thing they got to remember that if it werent for people like us, they wouldnt be getting a paycheck. Sorry just venting
    Just know you can PM me anytime you need to talk.

    Rachypooh
     
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