After spending 2 weeks in the hospital and it not doing any good, I just wish that I could leave this world and the pain behind me. It's pretty clear by now that nothing is going to get me out of this terrible mental state that I'm in. I don't understand why people should have to suffer this way or why so many see suicide as such a bad thing. It's not right that people like me should have to suffer when there is no cure for it. My life is already ended. All that my life consists of now is suffering and pain. I'm so tired of it and it never goes away and by now I know that it never will. I will have to suffer this way for the rest of my life. Although I have a difficult time in doing things, I've still been able to pay my bills and stay in my house, which is a good thing because I know that with my mental state it would be very difficult if I were to end up homeless. It was very difficult for me to be in the hospital because all I wanted to do was lie in the bed and I would be constantly disrupted by meals or them wanting me to go to their stupid groups. I sat through a lot of their groups, but it was very difficult for me to participate. I understood everything that people were saying, but it was very difficult for me as I always am so zoned out. I really hate what life has thrown my way. I used to have a really good life and I just wish that it could be the way that it used to be. I just wish that my life could end so that I wouldn't have to feel so mentally paralyzed the way that I do.