I wish that I were dead.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AAA3330, Apr 27, 2015.

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  1. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    After spending 2 weeks in the hospital and it not doing any good, I just wish that I could leave this world and the pain behind me. It's pretty clear by now that nothing is going to get me out of this terrible mental state that I'm in. I don't understand why people should have to suffer this way or why so many see suicide as such a bad thing. It's not right that people like me should have to suffer when there is no cure for it. My life is already ended. All that my life consists of now is suffering and pain. I'm so tired of it and it never goes away and by now I know that it never will. I will have to suffer this way for the rest of my life. Although I have a difficult time in doing things, I've still been able to pay my bills and stay in my house, which is a good thing because I know that with my mental state it would be very difficult if I were to end up homeless. It was very difficult for me to be in the hospital because all I wanted to do was lie in the bed and I would be constantly disrupted by meals or them wanting me to go to their stupid groups. I sat through a lot of their groups, but it was very difficult for me to participate. I understood everything that people were saying, but it was very difficult for me as I always am so zoned out. I really hate what life has thrown my way. I used to have a really good life and I just wish that it could be the way that it used to be. I just wish that my life could end so that I wouldn't have to feel so mentally paralyzed the way that I do.
     
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I can relate so much to what you have said, I really can. This morning I kinda lost it but just for a few moments, it hurts that the people around me do not understand mental illness. I am sorry that the hospital stay did not help you as much as it should have, maybe out patient treatment is best for you as long are you're not in immediate danger to yourself. All I can say here is keep talking to us, keep opening up, we will listen and try and help.
     
  3. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    Thanks Petal. My life used to be really good. I was very fortunate to have a good life, but now it's completely the opposite. At work, I used to be the guy that couldn't be beat. Now, I wouldn't be able to work at any job. It's just so hard to understand how something has gone so terribly wrong. I feel like I'm drowning. I've let the house go. I see reality in a totally different way than I used to and it's really scary. I just don't know how much longer I can keep going on this way. I still have most if not all of my knowledge, but it always feels like the whole world is caving in on me. I still have a good income, a good car, and a nice home, but I no longer have the mental ability to maintain things. I usually pay someone to mow my yard, but that's about all that gets done. I never feel good anymore so I basically take care of what I have to and that's about it. I'm so tired of living this way. I really miss being able to go home and see my family, but I'm not well enough to be able to drive on the interstate anymore. It's challenging enough for me just to drive around town.
     
  4. ScarlettHurts1990

    ScarlettHurts1990 Active Member

    I agree with Petal. And I can also relate to your wish to die. Every night before I go to sleep, I ask God or whatever to take me up to the sky because I'm sick of breathing in such a bad place. The only thing I can tell you is that if once your life was good, it CAN be good again. It's even hard for me to believe this right now since I'm so screwed up- I have this feeling that I will never, ever feel any better than the way that I do. But what keeps me going is knowing I have gone through severe depression before and came out of it and got healthy again. It's back full-force now but I have some hope that it will pass and I'll feel OK again someday. Don't give up! Sometimes it's right as we're about to give up all hope, something better happens that changes our minds. Keep going my friend.
     
  5. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    Thanks Scarlett. I would like to believe that I could be the way that I was, but after two and a half years of trying, I realize that it's likely never going to happen. The magic that I once had is gone and it's not coming back. I realize that bad things can happen to people, but I never would have thought that something like this could happen to me. I really hope that you do get better.
     
  6. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    That sounded like me at the hospital. I feel that way a lot, just getting by with a job i used to excel at and feeling the magic is gone.
     
  7. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    I used to do really well at my job. I was the guy that couldn't be beat. Something has been lost though and I just don't want to live anymore. Now it seems like everyone else is smarter than me. I used to be extremely sharp and I know that a lot of it is still there, but I feel like a different person and I hate it. I wouldn't be able to do any kind of job with the way that I feel now. I had it on easy street all of my life. I didn't even know what problems were until this thing happened to my brain. I just have such a hard time understanding how this could have happened to me just from getting stressed out. I think that it has something to do with my schizophrenia and is some type of psychosis. Trouble is that the meds don't do anything for it. So I'm kind of just stuck this way. It's been over two years and it hasn't killed me. My body still functions fine and I think that I still look the same, but I just don't feel the same.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 27, 2015
  8. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I am sorry to hear that you are down but you have to stay strong. I understand you are hurting mentally but you are important. Yes, everyday you have gets harder but you can do it as I believe in you.
     
  9. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    Thank you Unknown. Since I have been hurting mentally my life doesn't seem so important anymore. I just wish that the torment would end but it never does.
     
  10. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Wow I was dx with schizoaffective disorder and do feel like I look the same but inside im not the same too.
     
  11. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    We all feel the same in our way but I will stress you are not alone. Everyday is hard and gives us new challenges and problems to deal with. You are a survivor and you have the strength to go on as you have done in the past. The feeling of not wanting to live is always with us BUT if you appreciate the simple things in life then you days become better. You have to remain strong which is not easy.

    Let's us help you, but deal with life one day at a time. Keep posting as you see that people do care about YOU
    .
     
  12. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    Thanks again Unknown. Things have been so bad for me. It feels like I'm a prisoner in my own mind and can barely function to do the things that I need to do in order to stay in my house. I feel that it's only a matter of time before something happens that I won't be able to handle. It's much more for me than just feeling suicidal. I have lost much of my ability to function. It's really bad to the point that I can't hardly function in society or take care of myself and my home. Sometimes I feel like I should be in a nursing home, but they won't put me in one and I'm not sure that I'd be better off in one anyway. I really feel like I should kill myself before things get worse. I'm really afraid.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 29, 2015
  13. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    :hug: :hug: :hug: we care we do care. I do not have the answers but please keep talking to us here, we are your friends and do not want to lose you. I hope things pick up for you soon.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 29, 2015
  14. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    Thanks Petal. I really appreciate it.
     
  15. Bruces

    Bruces Well-Known Member

    I know exactly how you feel I keep asking my family for permission to die,I hate waking up everyday knowing there's another and another I pray the last one will be soon
     
  16. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    What about asking your doc for outpatient services for the time being?
     
  17. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    I've thought about going back to see my psychiatrist but I'm pretty sure that nothing is going to help. I've already been on all kinds of meds. Whatever is going on is pretty serious and I don't think that any meds are going to help unfortunately. It feels like my brain is damaged. I always have this terrible feeling in my head like it's a lot more serious than your typical mental illness. I think that suicide is the only way out in my case. I just wish that I could do it. It's so strange because if my brain were just damage then I don't understand why it would torment me the way that it does and though I don't feel as sharp, I don't really notice that anything is missing either. I think that I may ask my psychiatrist for an antidepressant even though I've been on them before and they didn't help. I'm just so desperate for help, but it just seems that there is nothing that they can do in my case.
     
  18. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Just hang in there and ask, be upfront and honest. It will get you the help you need. They have seen it all. I agree, schizophrenia is one of the worst. I rather deal with my major depression than deal w my issues relating to schizoaffective disorder
     
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