I wish I hadn't failed. And I wish time would speed up so I could leave here and try again. One more month to go. What an awful, self-pitying thing to be looking forward to. Which just makes me feel more wretched. I can't get away from this. Does it ever stop? One of the worst things right now is the awful, sinking feeling that I will never ever stop being plagued by the urge to die. Even when I'm feeling relatively happy or when I'm drunk as hell the feeling the need still surfaces and I have to fight it back down again. I can't live an entire life fighting this in every single moment of every single day. I can't. I don't want to. This is no way to live. I can't breathe. I can't get these thoughts out of my head.