I wonder, do we really have the choice?

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Scully, Nov 2, 2009.

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  1. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    I know by now I'm have a BDP. I have many traits, so I am. I have a sort of complex PTSD that became it. I have comorbidities, like anxiety, and depression (at times). No psychotrops for me, because I'm at risk of becoming psychotic. I'm not, because I stay in reality, well not fully. I spend lots of time by myself.

    I'm like that because I lived a hard childhood, mistreatments (like left alone evening at home under 8), abuses, emotional, psychological, and physical (less, but still, it happened). All that under ten. I grew up like that and built myself on that. I have an "uncertain identity", not meaning I have dissociative disorder, but my mind consciously, and mostly unconsciouly now (so whether I want it or not), is focused on the doubt I have about my birth. Father, father.

    So I have chronic feelings of emptiness, anger and feeling unloved. Emotionally unstable (that doesn't mean I run from guy to guy, or friends to friends, on the contrary), but I'm too emotional.

    I try to manage my time, and make things to stay in the real. my artistic activities, friends, partner. But these feelings will go on all my life. Unless maybe if I have an answer, or more answers.

    I'm angry because I don't have the sentiment at all I have a hand on it or can control it anyway. Meds and therapy help, friends too, being around here too, but will I have to live all my life that way? I tell myself I can choose to fight it, what I do. But I didn't choose. I'm not functional like others are naturally. But that world asks me, no, no commands me to be like the others; there it's not possible.

    So anyone who has information, about my birth, about my mother at the time, if you knew her, met her, please tell me. Chris Carter if you read this, please tell me why you've been following me since I was 12. Why I saw you on my own street. Is it because you're my Dad? You have nothing to fear, I would never hurt anyone, the only I hurt is me if something goes wrong. Or maybe a relative? Maybe William is my Dad? Or something else? Just tell me. Tell me people. Talk to me. Please.

    So this is it. I feel like I'm a mistake and a failure.
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