Generally... *tries to compress and formulates the thoughts* *... useless-* [and *>>;; this is kinda important for me lol*] [or, more directly, I'd love anyone feeling buddy'ish or just nice or bored taking the fifteen minutes to flap through this] [not sure wherer to put it but this is halfway philosophic/psychological] - If you are (pretty) completely honest with people, then you in fact get hurt, are thought of as stupid etc. - If you're not honest with people, you're feeling like a constantly fake person which makes me personally feel totally zero and stupid either *lol, stupid's a general word for a wide spectre of negative emotions*. taking self as example, yeah =p I mean living with a normal guy mask helps but I have to let the depression out (depression is a general word again) and if I'm nice to everybody it all just piles up, so I cut and get suicidal or homicidal thoughts and while the first semi-fits my common mood, the second kinda bothers me =) as long as I decided for myself I don't really care if I die or not I'm neither commiting nor stopping the suicidal thoughts I'm taking an example of my relations with girls, but generally these thoughts are not about girls but about all people you communicate with. *like this girl wants to meet you and you like her but feel depressed as usual; so - you theoretically have to act nice and be nice when you hang around w/her - but I feel like shit either way I'm talking to her. You psychologically hurt either her or yourself. I happens with most of the gals I hang around with, I mean it often happens we somehow authomatically get around, they generally say I'm good-looking but then when we do get around I don't feel like wearing the common cool/nice mask since I feel like being stupidly fake to someone I like, I explained this horribly but I think you get a general idea here* I tried to live for about a month more and more saying and acting simply according to my thoughts and feelings. As long as it's about people you don't know, I usually get off adding I'm an emo-boy or something *I mean I don't bother hiding my cuts and say out what I think to people about them etc* *although I'm generally not emo at all, I mean the culture, people feel calmer when you add yourself to a wide cathegory, like some years ago I would say I'm goth and everyone would shut up and don't bother me* But... as well, people that know you get distanced from you since I'm almost constantly depressive and its hard to take even blocks of my pure thoughts about as 'bit less large as this post if I'm taking off my mask. That goes even for those suicide-emo-goth-whatever-fucked-up ppl I know, they know it's right to accept this stuff but it's hard and you have enough of your own depression to deal with other ones' So, this is like a moebius knot, or gordian, or however you want to name it but it's like a circle for me. Logically, being not depressed would be a resolve but there's no way around this because in real life, normally you cure depression by communicating with people one or another way, but I'm inside this logical knot. And do I get a lot of other reasons for depression. Staying in my world trying to concentrate on different stuff letting myself out like in any art or say like cutting and scarring or etc. doesn't help much; and the net is generally useless since it's not much different from wearing a mask, it doesn't pile up but makes you feel emptier. I can't think of a good answer to this.