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I wonder why I keep kidding myself?

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Kaspazzy, Apr 8, 2012.

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  1. Kaspazzy

    Kaspazzy Active Member

    I get it. I do this weird masking over thing where I just pretend that people like me and I'm this cheery happy-go-lucky person who gets a little hurt when being put down but doesn't really care. I tell myself every day that people are just simply busy and that they have jobs and that they have lives so I'll leave them alone for now and I'll talk to them later.

    And then it just hits me. Why am I pretending that they actually care? Why do I bother feeding myself lies and thinking that one day I can simply be like everyone else? Happy life, job, friends, love life..I don't want to say I can't because it's not impossible but it's always like I'm two inches within my goal and the ground slowly starts to fall under me, taking me further back. Sometimes, I just don't feel like getting back up. Sometimes I just wanna lay there and stay there for awhile yet if I do, it's a problem. It's always " Athru, you need to help us, we can't do this alone!" I get frustrated and decide later that I'm either going to help or that I won't. If I do, there is no thank you involved. There is no reward, no pat on the back, no hug - just nothing. If I don't help, they directly tell me just how rude I am and how selfish and ignorant I can be then go off about every single thing that I don't do rather than every single thing that I have done for them, for the past..what? 3 years?

    I get it. Dad got cancer. My baby niece got really sick and that's a given. Of course I'll help but there isn't a minute that goes by thinking what a selfish family they are. Not just my family, my "friends" too. I have to be there for them, be there for every single thing..my sisters are already moved out and I'm the only one left here, no job at all, basically just slaving away at everything and you know what? I'm tired. I am so tired that I just don't wanna do it anymore. My knees have been worn out, my shoulders and this is from all the work that I've done in the past few years.

    What I find really sad is the fact that when I've had complete and full motivation to kill myself as a teen, to feel like I needed to die, cut, when I've been severely depressed - everything, barely anyone was there. Yeah I got a few helping hands here and there but it wasn't really a lift me up it was more like pull me half way and hold positions there, then let be back down. And yet I was suppose to help them. Worst thing is, I'm invisible to them when they don't need me.

    All this. And they wonder why I want to die so bad? Why I feel so depressed all the time? No one ever asks me why, they just wonder and ponder scratching their heads thinking it could possibly be two things (this really poed me) Internet and No sleep. Really. Really.. Yeah I bet you explored the entire universe for that answer didn't you?

    The real reason? Basically what I just said. I do everything nice for everyone else and when they need me to be there, I'm there for them, helping them and lifting them up to happiness. When I need them I might as well be talking to myself in my own head. I can do things as low as cutting and they still never say anything.

    So I ask myself. Why do I bother staying here? Why do I bother waiting for something good when I've been waiting long enough? Yeah, I could possibly just be dead and that's it but being in a time where I actually am invisible would make so much more sense.
  2. SilentScream

    SilentScream Well-Known Member

    Hello there Athru.

    From what I have read here above, I can see that you have got a difficult time.
    You need to do everything and all you get is their dirt on your knees.

    But well, Athru;
    If people ask you things, they might ask it to you because they like your help.
    And besides; try to enjoy the 'little' things in life as well.
    Try not to see everything from a negative perspective..

    When I help someone (What can be both mentally and physically though) I feel hallp, and relieved when I have helped.
    I feel like I have done something right and that I could have made someone else happy.

    Also; you should you say you are never rewarded for the help you deliver..
    But I am sure you are.
    Sometimes you have to look farther than the length of your nose..
    the reward is their happiness, they intravert appreciation.


    And I understand how tired etc you are from it.
    Because the situation is rather unfair.
    But I ask; have you ever rejected a help request with an explaination like you gave here?
    That you are exhausted and frustrated et cetera?

    If not.. you really should.
    Also, do not be afraid to say no, because of what other may say/think.
    Think about your own condition first..

    And I tell you;
    You are not invisible; and life is worth living.
    It's just, not everyone can determine life by it's value.
    And I know that good things will happen to you, just do not give up!
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