It takes so much more strength to suicide, because no matter how I look at this, I know it is meaningless. Life will move on, no matter how hard I try to get well, no matter how much willpower and energy reserve I waste, I just get sicker and sicker. I wish it could be emotional problem, but it is physical and the resources and support that I need is just not there. Yet somehow I tell myself, I have all this potential, i cant let it go to waste, yet life constantly piss on me and prompt me to take the way out, but i persists, I feed this cancer that I call hope. I try to force myself into despair and desperation and yet hope force itself on me and I give in and then it slaps me in the face with a big ass smile and say "haha, see, no matter how many times I show you how hopeless you are, you still try, what a fool you are!" I should really just give in and check out, but hope keeps me alive, hope when there isn't, I keep pushing the suicide date because there's always something left to try but there will ALWAYS be something left to try and yet it gets harder every day. I hope this time I don't push it that suicide date again and finally find the courage to stop giving it to the hope and embrace the reality that this journey had no meaning, that it was hopeless, that I did my beyond very best but that it is wasn't my fault and that's just a shame and that's all there is to it.