I wonder why I persist, living is weakness not strength

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Renegade, Mar 16, 2016.

  1. Renegade

    Renegade Well-Known Member

    It takes so much more strength to suicide, because no matter how I look at this, I know it is meaningless. Life will move on, no matter how hard I try to get well, no matter how much willpower and energy reserve I waste, I just get sicker and sicker.

    I wish it could be emotional problem, but it is physical and the resources and support that I need is just not there. Yet somehow I tell myself, I have all this potential, i cant let it go to waste, yet life constantly piss on me and prompt me to take the way out, but i persists, I feed this cancer that I call hope.

    I try to force myself into despair and desperation and yet hope force itself on me and I give in and then it slaps me in the face with a big ass smile and say "haha, see, no matter how many times I show you how hopeless you are, you still try, what a fool you are!"

    I should really just give in and check out, but hope keeps me alive, hope when there isn't, I keep pushing the suicide date because there's always something left to try but there will ALWAYS be something left to try and yet it gets harder every day.

    I hope this time I don't push it that suicide date again and finally find the courage to stop giving it to the hope and embrace the reality that this journey had no meaning, that it was hopeless, that I did my beyond very best but that it is wasn't my fault and that's just a shame and that's all there is to it.
     
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    May I ask what are all the things you have tried? I am sorry you are struggling and in so much pain right now but suicide is never an answer. Make a crisis plan whether it be meditating or calling a hotline or seeing a therapist. Create a plan and stick to it no matter how hard it is. Maybe make a diary on here too? I wish you the very best of luck :)
     
  3. Renegade

    Renegade Well-Known Member

    The list of things i tried are quite long, everything from diets to all the hyped therapy and treatments, the only ones i haven't tried are the ones that cost thousands of $$$ and i cant afford them.

    I suffer from lyme disease and my brain is more and more inflamed everyday.

    I want the medical field to give me artificial coma as it would allow me brain to stop swelling so much and give me the needed rest that I need but they just wont listen or care, very common for lyme disease people. Not being taken seriously. People with degenerative illness kill themselves all the time, I thought I could find a cure, but mine degenerated way too fast. Some people have the luxury to eat the worst junk and go undiagnosed for 30years but for me it degenerated really bad over what has been 3 years now.
     
  4. Renegade

    Renegade Well-Known Member

    Last week I had the worst flare ever where my body spasms for over 3 days constantly with the worst flu I could ever imagine, vomiting, chills, muscle ache, those are just words, they hardly describe what really happen though. I just cant take it anymore and yet i still persist because I wanna live but gosh is this so hopeless.
     
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I just googled and read a little about lyme disease, it sounds dreadful, I am so sorry you are burdened with this. I get what you mean by your words cannot emphasize how much this is affecting you. I cannot say I understand but I can sympathize. Maybe it's better not to eat junk food anyway, like you i was only able to eat junk for a short period of time (I was diagnosed with diabetes last week). I really hope you can find the strength to continue :) SF is here for you in your darkest hours. I really do care and wish you the best :)
     
  6. Renegade

    Renegade Well-Known Member

    thank you petal!
     
  7. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am so terribly sorry to hear how you suffer, lyme disease sounds terrible.

    But please don't give up. I know it's difficult. But keep fighting to be heard by your doctors. The more you try eventually it might help somehow.

    *hugs*