Hi, I'm Max, 19 and just about to graduate from school. I don't know if anybody will read this very big post but I just felt I wanted to speak my mind at least a little.
Today I just got a letter from the last university I applied too. I didn't come in. I didn't manage to get into any school at all so I don't have anything to do after I graduate. The future is looking pretty grim at the moment, I barely know my class despite going to school for 2 years with them so I don't really have any friends. I'm not even sure if I will be able to graduate, I have some 15 essays I need to turn in and I've been skipping school completely the last 1 & 1/2 month. I'll be graduating in about a month.
All of this sucks and I'm almost a little embarrassed of giving the classic "I'm unemployed" reason but all of it is actually bearable by itself. What makes me quit is how long I've been more or less depressed and how I'm constantly judged all the time. Especially in school. Everybody expects me to keep a perfect schedule and have discipline enough to do hours of homework each day. The problem is I can't do it. Yes I know I'm lazy. If only I turned in my homework, if only I wrote down all that is happening at school so I won't forget, if only I would dispose my time and do x hours of homework, practice the cello etc. But I don't. The reason is probably just my laziness. I wish I had discipline, but I don't. I hear the phrase "just do it" very often but I don't have control of myself. If I could "just do it" I would never have been in this situation to begin with. I realize I have some kind of problem but regardless I seriously can't do any of that schoolwork.I can write this ridiculously long post, I can kill myself, but I can't do the work for school.
It's especially difficult in my current school where we students are supposed to take more 'responsibility'. I'm supposed to keep track my constantly changing schedule, I only have a few classes and not too rarely I will have one early in the morning and one late in the evening (takes forever to get to school). I also have to turn in essays and attend seminars all the time, find a time together with my fellow students in the subject, prepare, plan etc.
The problem is just I can't do it. I fail miserably at life and I'm extremely stressed without actually doing anything. Now I don't consider myself a problem child who sleeps in class, smokes skips class for his own leisure but I have a tendency of not doing homework (at all), and I also go down totally from time to time and skip school (like now)
The times when teachers bring me in for a "serious talk" is horrible. It's fucking mental torture. I'd prefer a torching poker in my side any day to having a talk about how I fail in school with a teacher. Last winter when I broke my arm people in school accepted missed deadlines perfectly fine however normal days when I miss the deadlines and feel completely devastated I'm just a lazy class skipper. I find it weird that people think that way, at least to me some physical pain is no problem at all, it's easy to fix and it's just a signal from the body anyway, it doesn't affect the ability to work much. When teachers talk to my parents is also one of those things that makes me feel sick. Calling them or bringing them to a "serious meeting" with me. I'm having these "grave talks" with teachers all too often, it's become part of my time in school. At least now I'm a little more grown up so I can stand it better but when I was younger I was completely in my teachers hands who could patronize and humiliate me and I could just sit and nod in agreement.
I would say I lived a happy life as a child but after puberty things started going downwards. Partly school started demanding more of me and partly I suppose it had to do with puberty. I had a raging depression during puberty when I would cry, go to sleep extremely early because I wanted to just sleep through my life. I refused to speak to my family until they threatened my with a psychiatrist.
I was depressed and for several month but it was different from these past few years, it was much more impulsive and extreme, I felt there was no joy in the world, I couldn't see the light by the end of the tunnel. Now I'm not even sure if I'm depressed anymore, I realize I'll graduate in about a month, I enjoy myself sometimes. Things might get better as I grow older. My suicidal thoughts were also different when I was younger compared to now. I didn't actually want to die, just make everybody realize how terrible I was feeling, even if I had to put my life on the line.
Now however I don't care anymore. I just want to get away from everything. I don't care if my mom will miss me, I don't bother to think about what reasons makes me fail at school and have a life full of depressions. I realize life goes on and I might find happiness after I graduate but I've been going for so long now and I feel so empty and tired. I want to rest. I just want it all to end. I just want to die.
Today I just got a letter from the last university I applied too. I didn't come in. I didn't manage to get into any school at all so I don't have anything to do after I graduate. The future is looking pretty grim at the moment, I barely know my class despite going to school for 2 years with them so I don't really have any friends. I'm not even sure if I will be able to graduate, I have some 15 essays I need to turn in and I've been skipping school completely the last 1 & 1/2 month. I'll be graduating in about a month.
All of this sucks and I'm almost a little embarrassed of giving the classic "I'm unemployed" reason but all of it is actually bearable by itself. What makes me quit is how long I've been more or less depressed and how I'm constantly judged all the time. Especially in school. Everybody expects me to keep a perfect schedule and have discipline enough to do hours of homework each day. The problem is I can't do it. Yes I know I'm lazy. If only I turned in my homework, if only I wrote down all that is happening at school so I won't forget, if only I would dispose my time and do x hours of homework, practice the cello etc. But I don't. The reason is probably just my laziness. I wish I had discipline, but I don't. I hear the phrase "just do it" very often but I don't have control of myself. If I could "just do it" I would never have been in this situation to begin with. I realize I have some kind of problem but regardless I seriously can't do any of that schoolwork.I can write this ridiculously long post, I can kill myself, but I can't do the work for school.
It's especially difficult in my current school where we students are supposed to take more 'responsibility'. I'm supposed to keep track my constantly changing schedule, I only have a few classes and not too rarely I will have one early in the morning and one late in the evening (takes forever to get to school). I also have to turn in essays and attend seminars all the time, find a time together with my fellow students in the subject, prepare, plan etc.
The problem is just I can't do it. I fail miserably at life and I'm extremely stressed without actually doing anything. Now I don't consider myself a problem child who sleeps in class, smokes skips class for his own leisure but I have a tendency of not doing homework (at all), and I also go down totally from time to time and skip school (like now)
The times when teachers bring me in for a "serious talk" is horrible. It's fucking mental torture. I'd prefer a torching poker in my side any day to having a talk about how I fail in school with a teacher. Last winter when I broke my arm people in school accepted missed deadlines perfectly fine however normal days when I miss the deadlines and feel completely devastated I'm just a lazy class skipper. I find it weird that people think that way, at least to me some physical pain is no problem at all, it's easy to fix and it's just a signal from the body anyway, it doesn't affect the ability to work much. When teachers talk to my parents is also one of those things that makes me feel sick. Calling them or bringing them to a "serious meeting" with me. I'm having these "grave talks" with teachers all too often, it's become part of my time in school. At least now I'm a little more grown up so I can stand it better but when I was younger I was completely in my teachers hands who could patronize and humiliate me and I could just sit and nod in agreement.
I would say I lived a happy life as a child but after puberty things started going downwards. Partly school started demanding more of me and partly I suppose it had to do with puberty. I had a raging depression during puberty when I would cry, go to sleep extremely early because I wanted to just sleep through my life. I refused to speak to my family until they threatened my with a psychiatrist.
I was depressed and for several month but it was different from these past few years, it was much more impulsive and extreme, I felt there was no joy in the world, I couldn't see the light by the end of the tunnel. Now I'm not even sure if I'm depressed anymore, I realize I'll graduate in about a month, I enjoy myself sometimes. Things might get better as I grow older. My suicidal thoughts were also different when I was younger compared to now. I didn't actually want to die, just make everybody realize how terrible I was feeling, even if I had to put my life on the line.
Now however I don't care anymore. I just want to get away from everything. I don't care if my mom will miss me, I don't bother to think about what reasons makes me fail at school and have a life full of depressions. I realize life goes on and I might find happiness after I graduate but I've been going for so long now and I feel so empty and tired. I want to rest. I just want it all to end. I just want to die.
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