I Won't Change

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Forgotten_Man, Apr 29, 2010.

  1. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Here it is another I am giving up on life rant by me. As always I look for feedback for those kind enough to give it

    So once again I find myself to paralyzed by fear to change myself. I hate how fucking depressed I am. I hate coming into my office everyday and thinking "How much force would it take to break open that window". I hate going home and wondering where the best place would be to hang. I hate it all. I hate the loneliness of not having a mate. I hate the annoyance of living with a roommate I despise. Most of all I hate motivating myself to change only to kill those hopes and passion in a day. I am just too fucking weak to change.

    Lets start out with my physical appearance. Everyday I look in the mirror and am disgusted. I want to look in the mirror and say, yeah nice. However, I lack the commitment. To really change the shape of your body you need to be dedicated. You need to be strong. You need to diet you need to exercise you need to stay the course. It is a long painful miserable journey to get what I want. So my weak will does not take the journey. I try to start it out. However, I just give up after a week. I go out and spend the money, and it all goes to waste. Just like the $1000s I spent on personal training since I was too weak to actually keep a diet and exercise. I just have no will.

    Next comes my personal life. I want to have more friends in my life, especially females. However, I am too fucking scared of other people to change that. It is not just my appearance it is my interests as well. I can go up to a girl and say hello. However, beyond that what the fuck can I say. I have no idea what the fuck is going on around me outside of anime video games and computers. How the fuck am I supposed to make conversation when I do not know anything? Besides what am I meeting women for anyway?

    A companion, don't make me laugh. No I want someone to fuck. I have too much sexual frustration in my system to want to find a companion I just want some to be in bed with me when I need it. Which is how I am going to fuck up my only other chance to be with someone. I am going to make a pass at her and guess what she is going to reject me. Because why the fuck would she want to be anything to me? After all I am only really interested in her for the sex. It is just like me to fucking sabatog myself like that.

    Another fucking thing I hate about myself I just sabatog myself. That is all I fucking do. Whether it be through lies or honesty. I always find some way to screw up a potentially good thing. Or I screwed up a good thing and I cannot stand the idea not having it. So I spend my days plotting the best way to get it back. Trying to ruin someone else's happiness so that I can have what I fucking want. Someone who I love and care about. What the fuck is wrong with me?

    I won't change, the simple reason being I am weak. I am too fucking weak to try and become happy or better. I would rather just sit around for another year or two before my would completely breaks and I finally fucking kill myself. Clinging to hope that what I want will fucking fall into my lap. Because I want someone to be there to hold my hand and comfort me while I fail.

    God I should just end it now... well not now not until I have completely ruined my chances with this other girl. How will I ever make it a whole 3 weeks.
  2. damage.case

    damage.case Well-Known Member

    I do all the same shit. Wish I had the answer.
  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    That's OK... I wish this thread could do something for someone else.