I won't kill myself if...does anyone else gamble with death?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Hazel Morse, Jan 2, 2014.

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  1. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    Does anyone else play Life-Russian Roulette?

    I'm playing it again.

    By gambling, I mean, saying to yourself: "If this [random outcome] happens, I won't kill myself today". The last time I was so suicidal I found myself doing this weird thing about events that I didn't participate in and really didn't affect me, almost like a gambler. I remember I gave myself a 'stay of execution' in 2008 because Obama and not McCain was elected - I'm not a US citizen, nor might I even vote for the guy if he were running for anything in my country -:noidea:?

    I've hit another low point in my life. I have no friends, and my family have been distant since my divorce, job-loss, and two suicide attempts over 5 years ago - they regard me as an imposition and a failure. Was sent overseas to work, and ended up staying in an abusive workplace here for four years. If I go back I face unemployment - and dealing with our mental health care professionals, which scares the shit out of me, because they seriously suck.

    So now I'm gambling again. Yesterday I stupidly changed my iTunes account when trying to rent a video (one of my very few pleasures) and now I can't download anything. Throughout the night I decided that if I can get the tech support people to actually help me today, I will let myself live (for another few years; I've absolutely promised myself I won't have to slog on through this miserable existence past 40). I'm bad at getting people to help me (they recognise a loser, I think) and am terrible at working with computers so maybe I'm playing with loaded dice? Should I just flip a coin?

    Does anyone else here make these wagers? Do you think this is stupid? Why is this so comforting to me?
  2. the black raven

    the black raven Well-Known Member

    Gambling - closely related to luck, is not something to decide whether you live or die. You SHOULD not do that. It's just.... not right. I know you feel pretty down. Most of us here, if not all, know the urge to kill ourselves, but here we are, supporting each other.

    I don't think it's stupid, because I do dangerous things in life too like speeding when I'm alone, but it's for the thrill rather than to get myself killed. Yes, I won't like, there is a little part of me who want myself to crash and die, but I do it for the thrills, to feel alive. It's different than that Russian Roulette gamble.

    And the risk for me to have car accident is actually very low, because I don't drive more than 200km/h anymore, and I'm very calm when...something happened on the road, I don't panic. In your case, you are allowing something, or someone else deciding your fate. It's just...not right. It's your life alone, not anyone else, or something else.

    It is comforting, but let's not lie, we are both still here, some part of us, maybe even a very little part of ourselves, want to stay alive. We cry for help.
    It's just the pain is too much and you feel comfortable doing this gambling thingy because your head is messing with you.

    Why do you scared of Mental Health professionals in your home Country? All they want to do is to help you...probably...(Let's just be honest, people do something for something else, even those mental health professional, but it's their job to help, and their name is at stake. If they're bad, no one gonna come to them). That's true for someone you don't really know, or closely related. If you are very close to someone, they can help without wanting anything in return.

    About the "loser" part. Which is better, to be born good, or to be good with hard work and a lot of effort? I think the 2nd will be more appreciated, if people can see your true worth. Ignore those who can't see it. Society aren't always right. Majority can be wrong.
    Someone can be brave, know no fear, and people will look up to him, but I have more respect to someone who have many things to fear, yet trying to stand up againts it.

    You could be one :) Just allow people to help you, and also, first, you have to help yourself.

    I know you are much much older than me, I'm not even married yet, but I learn it from people :)
  3. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    Thank you...but I disagree about healthcare professionals...I've had too many bad experiences with them. They want to hurt, humiliate and punish, they're not interested in healing people. At least not a piece of shit like me, they've made that abundantly clear.

    The last time I tried to commit suicide the ER nurse spat full in my face and walked away without saying a word when I woke up. I was locked in a room smeared with faeces. The psych ward attendant who escorted me home mocked me when we found that my mother had destroyed everything she could get her hands on in my flat. Psychiatrists and psychologists are just as bad - they want me to shut up and tell them that the medication they give me works, regardless of the truth. One told me I was disgusting because I was adopted into a white family at childhood. Doesn't feel like they fear for their reputation when dealing with me!

    That's why I feel so alone... I've been trying to help myself for nearly 20 years now. I'm so, so tired. Every person I reach out to tries to hurt, humiliate or abandon me.

    I never gamble with other people's lives, like in a car, although I do fantasise about "accidents" I might have on the street.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Not all professionals are cruel hun just seems you got a bad lot where your are You have to find to the good ones ok
    im sorry they mistreated you You don't deserve that you deserve understanding and compassion
    I hope one day you come across a good professional one that gives you hope and care hugs
  5. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much - it's the middle of the night here, just hearing positive messages helps me not to scream.

    That experience was just the tip of the iceberg with Aussie mental health providers, unfortunately - have been to over 15 psychiatrists/psychologists, if you count the ones I only saw a few times during my 2 stays in hospital pysch wards. I did have 2 that were good at university - I sometimes think about going back to school just to get better mental health care:lol: even though I can't really afford it. I'm scared shitless off the others, I've been threatened, humiliated, denigrated and bullied too many times to try again.
  6. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    there are way too many therapists out there who are so cold or even unwell themselves.they can cause much harm. Yes there are good ones for sure. But I know what you are saying. And I am sorry you have found way too many of the destructive ones,

    how many classes would you have to take to get access to the good school counselors?
  7. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    If you're overseas not in your home country working why not ask for transfer to other place if that's possible
  8. hypnus9

    hypnus9 New Member

    You know, I'm not sure of the answer to your question, but, I myself contemplated suicide for nearly 8 years solid, even attempting suicide twice a few years ago, of course failing, thankfully. At the end of my contemplation, my suicidal contemplation was seen in light of my personal feelings of an utter absense of human worth. I felt like nothing more than an absolute zero, and went about saying this thing about myself. Then I caught myself. Do you know what I did that turned it alll around? I simply saw the truth, and counted to one aloud, and my depression instantly disappeared...I was no longer in my opinion a worthless, null value of a human zero. I was then number one, and instantly asserted to myself in personal affirmation, not in view of the entire world, but to myself. We are not zeros, we are individuals possessing merit and worth and, yes, infinite potential if only we perceive ourselves as such and assert such things as being true. This is smarmy bullshit I am preaching to you here...it actually works. Simply stop right there. The worst thing you can do is consider yourself and absolute zero, but for the purpose of regaining your sense of personal worth again, do this: Start saying aloud of yourself, "Here I am, an utter absolutely zero." say it aloud, friend. Then just silently ponder this for a moment as when on is meditating. Now, after you have done this for ten or fifteen minutes or so, re-invent your living self and depressed person. Count aloud to one. And realize that you are one human being that to at least a few around you, even strangers like me and your internet support network, yon worthu possess at least a modicum of human worth. At least you can count to one out loud. Okay, now...do you possess any gifts or talents, such as musical or artistic ability, or maybe the ability to read and/or write poetry? Or maybe all of the above? Count your capabilities and do not underestimate the degree of virtuosity that you possess in actually displaying your talent or giftedness. Capiche so far? And continue taking this inventory in yourself and see if there is anything that might be able to be pursued as a new profession for you, a new choice and change in direction in regards to career path. Here is a saying of my own: IF you want or need change, do something different. It really is that simply done. Consider the rudder of a boat or a ship: It is a small thing by which a boat or ship is guided. Etc. Do not underestimate your worth, and do not over-estimate the might of your woes. Assign the strength of the source of your grief a lower value than what you are. It will disarm that which is ailing you and it will become weakness itself and yourself stronger and more worthwhile and your life either more precious to you or at least less worthless to you. Do all of this aloud in affirmation either of your worth or in search of a greater degree of personal feelings of worth, respect and love for yourself and for life itself. Really...I guarantee it. And as a sign of this guarantee, I tell you, just wish it all on me, the crap that was keeping you down. You are loved. Live always and prosper it well and better than well. If nothing else, just start speakin g of money itself aloud where no one else can hear you. You'll come up with an idea that will help you out. Really. Just "Money itself, damn it!" I know it sounds weird, but just do it any way...it won't be nearly as painful as blowing your own head off. Say it: "Money itself is..." and then elaborate on this. At least you won't die tonight if you do. Shit...sing a song of six-pence, friend, if it will see you through to the early morning dawn's early light. God loves you.
  9. Hanging by a thread

    Hanging by a thread Well-Known Member

    I do this all the time, if I throw a heads I won't kill myself, if I win on this lotto ticket I won't kill myself... It's strange! Like we want a higher power to take the decision off our hands ...
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