Does anyone else play Life-Russian Roulette? I'm playing it again. By gambling, I mean, saying to yourself: "If this [random outcome] happens, I won't kill myself today". The last time I was so suicidal I found myself doing this weird thing about events that I didn't participate in and really didn't affect me, almost like a gambler. I remember I gave myself a 'stay of execution' in 2008 because Obama and not McCain was elected - I'm not a US citizen, nor might I even vote for the guy if he were running for anything in my country -:noidea:? I've hit another low point in my life. I have no friends, and my family have been distant since my divorce, job-loss, and two suicide attempts over 5 years ago - they regard me as an imposition and a failure. Was sent overseas to work, and ended up staying in an abusive workplace here for four years. If I go back I face unemployment - and dealing with our mental health care professionals, which scares the shit out of me, because they seriously suck. So now I'm gambling again. Yesterday I stupidly changed my iTunes account when trying to rent a video (one of my very few pleasures) and now I can't download anything. Throughout the night I decided that if I can get the tech support people to actually help me today, I will let myself live (for another few years; I've absolutely promised myself I won't have to slog on through this miserable existence past 40). I'm bad at getting people to help me (they recognise a loser, I think) and am terrible at working with computers so maybe I'm playing with loaded dice? Should I just flip a coin? Does anyone else here make these wagers? Do you think this is stupid? Why is this so comforting to me?