I won't make it. In the end I won't make it.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by disoriented, Nov 11, 2011.

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  1. disoriented

    disoriented Member

    I won't make it. They will never be proud of me. My father doesn't speak to me. My mother tries her best. It doesn't matter. They will never respect me, they will never feel that I'm worth giving birth to.

    I don't know what to do anymore. I've tried to do anything and everything, absolutely everything, to try and make them proud of me - but it's all for nothing.

    I'm studying abroad at the moment. But I can't cope, I can't make it. And I can't drop out and go home either. So I don't know what to do. I really can't go home, I can't go home and show my parents that the only real thing I've tried I failed at. I just want to stop exist. But I don't have the courage to end it. But I want to, I really really really want to.

    I have a linen XXXX , just in case I would get the courage to do it. But I never do. I don't know what to do, I can't live but at the same time I'm to afraid to kill myself. Not of death itself, just the way there. Death would be a release. It would be the complete freedom.

    I don't even know why I'm writing this, I'm sorry.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 12, 2011
  2. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Cat Lady Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    No need for sorry, you have said how you feel, that is a good first step.

    Welcome to the forums by the way, know that in your confusion and uncertainty you are not alone.

    Do you have an advisor who is working with you since you are abroad? Usually those people can help you find avenues of help for many issues.

    Please do consider you life as worthwhile and worth fighting for and keep posting so we can get to know you.

  3. disoriented

    disoriented Member

    I don't. I can get councelling but it doesn't matter since it wouldn't solve anything. I'm trying my best to balance studies, trying to fit in as best i can, the constant sadness, the worry of my mother's upcoming heart surgery. And at the same time I need to somehow figure out how to do with the problems at home.

    The core reason I even went abroad to study was to get away from everything back home. But I still have obligations which forces me back.
    I drink everyday to cope, but it just enhances all the bad feelings after a while.

    I know it doesn't solve anything by posting here either. But I just need to get it out somewhere, to people who don't know me and can't judge me if they see me in real life.
  4. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Cat Lady Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Posting here is always a good release. Sometimes just writing things out can help you see better.

    I am curious as to why you are so sure there is no help for you? Have you had a bad experience in therapy or with counselors? Or perhaps the whole concept is a bit overwhelming?

    Keep posting.

  5. disoriented

    disoriented Member

    I have never had councelling before, but I can't see how it possibly could help. The problems are all inside me, and no matter how much I tell people about them they are still going to be there.

    I set up a councelling session today today. I felt I need to do something, anything. This is the last possible way out, if this doesn't work there is no other way out than ending it.
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    yes but therapy will get those problems that are inside you out hun in the open to view to examine and to work on okay with help from a professional you can conquers those demons hugs
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