I won't participate in my own survival

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by somnolence, Oct 8, 2007.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. somnolence

    somnolence New Member

    A year ago I was diagnosed with a vitamin B12 deficiency after a long general decline of my health and my mental state. Additional testing showed that I had lost the ability to absorb B12 from food and that loss is permanent. I endured a series of painful injections and painful blood draws until my levels tested normal and since then I have had to take oral supplements daily (because even if you can't absorb B12 from food if you take 1000% of the RDA daily then enough gets into your bloodstream to keep your stores up).

    However I lost the will to live a long time ago, and despite taking their drugs it hasn't gotten any better and I don't expect it ever will. The main thing holding me back was cowardice and the lack of any acceptable method.

    I stopped taking my supplements a few months ago, mainly out of sheer rebellion. I was just tired of it and angry, so I stopped. I haven't told my psych and she hasn't asked. Recently i was curious so i looked into it and found out that without treatment a B12 deficiency is always fatal. It will eventually cause heart failure. I have a legal right to refuse medical treatment, including b12 injections and oral supplements. Since I found that out I have been at absolute peace, knowing that I won't have to spend decades more on this hamster wheel. All I have to do is nothing.

    The only thing that concern me is that before I succumb to heart failure I may become senile. I am worried about having my right to make medical decisions for myself taken from me if that happens.
  2. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    Firstly, welcome to SF.
    I really think you should take your supplements..
    What if something changes in your life, and it's too late?
    i'm sorry i've got to go, hopefully we can talk soon :)

    feel free to PM or email me or wahtever anytime!
  3. somnolence

    somnolence New Member

    It's not the circumstances of my life that is the problem. It's merely the fact that i'm alive. When I was born I wasn't breathing and i was supposed to have died then, but I guess the grim reaper was out to lunch or something because I didn't. Or maybe it's technology that is messing everything up, keeping people alive when they were supposed to have died. Anyway, since then the cosmic forces have been trying to right the wrong that occured when i survived being born. I'm merely fulfilling destiny. Making things right again.
  4. Trip the Dark fantastic

    Trip the Dark fantastic Well-Known Member

    I doubt, life is played out like 'Final destination'. The cliche 'Life is what you make' of it, is much closer to the truth than you having cheated death and now death is on the warpath.....

    The fact that you are still alive, that you adapted to it, that you are continuously changing is testimony of you trying to be in unison with the cosmic forces, not in disaccord.

    Regarding B12 deficiency. Have you been checked for Pernicious anemia (a blood disease caused by the lack of a substance that the body needs in order to absorb vitamin B12 from food)? This would require continuous monitoring, B12 vitamin shots and is a containable condition.
  5. somnolence

    somnolence New Member

    Yes, I have pernicious anemia, and yes it is manageable, but only if you want to, and I don't want to. Maybe it seems dumb too you but I've been fighting this my whole life and I'm just tired of fighting.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.