I won't say...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SoManyReasons, Apr 17, 2007.

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  1. SoManyReasons

    SoManyReasons Member

    that "this is the time" or "I'm gonna do it. Just want to say goodbye" . I know some people feel it necessary to say such things. And by no means am I trying to rag on them. No. Not at all. But, I feel like in order for me to really attain the help that I feel I need, I have to be honest with everyone. And I almost feel that by doing that... I might be helped in some small way.

    I've been stressed, as everyone has. But it just seems like, lately, i've been thrown so much my way that I can't handle it anymore. Day after day, I find new reasons to just give up. But i'll be honest, I am a weak person. Atleast when it comes to killing myself. I don't want to be remembered as someone who just "gave up" or who wasn't strong enough to deal with her life. And while, I think some people who do commit suicide do it for other people, I believe that the people who choose to live also for people. Maybe both situations aren't healthy. Maybe so.

    I feel like today is just another hurdle, one that I must get over, but I've been "getting over hurdles" for many many years. And frankly, i'm tired of it! Why do I have to?! Why... why do I have to be the one with a tough life. An unlive-able life. It makes me wonder. Then I reflect badly upon myself: It must be something i've done. Someone is punishing me.

    I really. Sometimes....don't know if I want to continue being the person I am.
     
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    You are right in what you say, the more honest you are, the more you can talk about how you feel, the more chance anyone has of offering you help and support that is tailored to you.

    Do you have professional support? Have you tried going to the doctors? Or seeing a therapist?

    You say that a lot has been thrown your way, would you like to tell us anymore?

    I know that fighting every day, and climbing every hurdle can be incredibly hard and tiring, but unfortunately, life is hard, it's not easy. Everyone has to climb hurdles, it's not just you, so please don't feel alone with that.

    Let me ask you, if someone else has a tough life, or bad times, do they deserve it? Are they being punished?

    If the answer is yes, then you need to try and figure out why you think that. If the answer is no, you need to try and figure out why it is so different for you, than it is for the rest of the world.

    You say you are weak, but quite clearly the opposite is true. You have fought through a tough life, you have kept fighting on and on and on climbing hurdle and hurdle. That is the total opposite of weak, that takes a very strong person to keep fighting. I hope you can recognise that in yourself.

    Hang in there honey
     
  3. SoManyReasons

    SoManyReasons Member

    Well, I think that I know that other people have a tough life. And I know, most, if not all, don't "deserve" it. It's hard ... very hard to see myself in comparison to others. Definetly when it comes to way of coping... I honestly, don't try to involve anyone into my life. I figure it's hard enough that my family and friends... have "deal" with it.

    Especially when it comes to methods i've tried, dealt with, and still refer to. I can be honest and tell you that i've never done drugs. Never drank in my life (It scares me that when I am 21, and will have no limitations... i might not be strong enough to resist the liquid) but i have "dabbled" in such punishing techniques like self-mutilation, hating everyone, locking myself in my room for 4 days. I'm not so much ashamed of my physical scars, as I am the way it happens. Everytime I "cut" or "slice" my flesh, it's a release, for sure. And the only way to prevent that high, the high of pain, is to do it more and more. And more and more. And so on.

    I guess most of my anguish... as I might call it, stems from a really messed up childhood. (I won't really "whine" here because I no longer blame anyone for anything. I've finally realized that blaming people won't make my pain go away) The man I knew as my father, turned out not to be my father at all. Ofcourse, he was there from ages 0-12 and for that I can be grateful, but to just up and leave like that?! The last time I saw him was New Year's Eve the year I turned 12. I've dealt... or maybe haven't dealt with it, for many years.

    After that, my mother and I never got along. I blamed her, hated and defied her most of the time. It still continues to be somewhat this way, even now. But I've learned that it wasn't entirely my mother's fault. And I love my mother, as she is the reason... the reason I am happy sometimes.

    Mostly, the loss of my "father" and the pain of being alone, drove me to a slight madness. I let my grades slip all through out middle school and highschool. And when I finally thought I was ready to get my life in order, I enrolled in college and found out that being an adult, which is what I wanted, wasn't at all appealing. With this last semester, I've attended class once. I sleep all day. I've been fired from three jobs in a row and I hate what I have become. And I know it's almost embarressing to admit that I let myself go.

    A maybe funny story, though not really, happened to me just today. My car, caught on fire while I was driving it. I don't have any money to fix it. I don't even know if it's worth fixing. It's just, again, a hurdle... and one i'm not sure I can deal with.
     
  4. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Firstly, talking about things that cause you pain is not whining. It is releasing the hurt inside you, and nothing wrong with that at all.

    It really sounds like things have been tough for you. You have had to grieve for someone close to you and have had to deal with remaining in that family whilst coping with that grief, and also dealing with the strains of 'normal' teenage life on top of that.

    I would suggest that maybe you seek out therapy for this because they can help you heal the hurt that was caused by all those events.

    I have done very similar things to you, with regards to the way I have behaved towards myself. I too have never done drugs, but I do self harm, shut myself off from the world, etc.

    You seem worried about drinking, but remember that you have so far controlled your drinking, and there is no reason for that to change, unless you want it to, when you turn 21. You are in total control with this and will be able to abstain from it if you choose to.

    I'm sorry about your car. That sounds that an awful situation to be in. Yes, it is another hurdle, but one that can be overcome, and also one that probably doesn't need to be dealt with immediately.

    Keep fighting :)
     
  5. SoManyReasons

    SoManyReasons Member

    Thank you.
     
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