I won't willingly get help

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by sam p, Oct 11, 2015.

  1. sam p

    sam p Member

    There are a lot of people here with REAL problems, with real sadness, but I just want to live, it has took me my entire short life to find something to be passionate about, and I so want to just live, and enjoy life. But I just cant get rid of these thoughts, and commitments to end it. I feel as if it is something I am being forced to do, I realize I should talk to someone, and admit myself in the hospital, but I feel like that would be traitorous to myself, and I would do anything to get out, lying, and pretending, which I have had to pretend like everything's been okay for the last 4 years. Then things come along and tip you over the edge, which commit me to end it. I am pathetic writing like this, when there are people who deserve the attention and care, but I just need it to be down somewhere, I have started doing things with the attitude of, enjoy while I can, but I can't, because I feel like this will put me in this happy phase, which just delay me, it will never go away
     
  2. sam p

    sam p Member

    But at the same time I don't want to bring sadness to family, and people, people that probably know me now, I feel like its wrong to leave them behind, I feel like its wrong for me to go before them, people like my grandfather, who I see regularly, who was the first person I called when I thought I would do it. To leave that memory of me. I feel so much guilt that if I ended this, my mother would have to give the the last home, cattle property which she only wants me to operate to my dole bludger half brother, if she was to pass on, which she is doing well considering her health, copd.all the places with memories are all gone, sold, died, end of eras and happy times.
     
  3. sam p

    sam p Member

    Even just how fucking pathetic, I have my whole life, a job, a possible home, all ready, and I want to give it all up because I'm sad about things, just pathetic, I've read about so many people with nothing left, disabilities, who go on to do the best they cab, and be people you can look up to
     
  4. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Sam, I would first like to say, I do not think or feel that you are the least bit pathetic, You are hurting you are in pain, you are having a hard time reconciling between the two, being passionate about life and at the same time feeling uncomfortable with your thoughts and commitments, you are talking to someone, right now! you are showing the confusion that you feel conflicted about! I don't have a magic ball that tells me what is going to happen to myself, let alone you, I am not a Doctor, I cannot tell you what you should do or shouldn't do, you don't even have to lie to me or pretend anything, I guess feeling that you have to protect yourself, I have done the same thing most of my life. I too feel that sadness, I just don't show it to anyone, I walk around when I see people, like I don't have a care or worry in the world, I really don't think most of them would care, they have their own issues, they could care less about mine, we all hide some things, some more then others. I wish I was passionate about life as you say you are. I don't care at all, I can't see beauty as well as a lot of other things, I can't listen to music about love or happiness. I cant watch movies with positive themes, there are few things I care about any more, I am still here though! I am still here even though I really don't want to be. I feel that I see a need here, so for right now here I am! I have another love or passion, maybe if you are around some, I will share it with you. I so do not want you to look up to me, I just want you to know there are people that care an willing to share their story with you, so that you may take a 2nd look at yourself and see you are not Pathetic at all! No, you are hurting inside that is what i see. I wish I could take away that hurt and Pain that you Feel! I know it well Sam! A little more from someone else won't matter to me!
    Have the best day you are able to Sam, Take Care of Yourself, You are worthwhile and deserving!