I would never go through with it...

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by apainlessend, Oct 31, 2011.

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  1. apainlessend

    apainlessend New Member

    But what do you people do to stave off the feeling of wanting it to just end?
    Let me give you the short story...

    My nannas and my mom have been the most important women in my life, aside from my current fiance.

    The past 90 days have been hell.
    1st. My uncle commits suicide in my apartment complex.
    2nd. My grandpa dies 3 weeks later of cancer.
    3rd. As a result of this my nanna sinks into a deep depressions and wont speak to anyone.
    4th.. 1 month later she dies of cancer..(this past friday.)

    Through all of this my fiance has been there for me...
    But we had issues before all of this...
    And now she is continually asking me if I still care about her, or if I have someone else, and blah blah FUCKING BLAH...the same petty shit we argue about that doesnt make sense.

    Am I crazy for not having an interest in wanting to be lovey dovey?!?!
    Am I crazy for trying to sort out is this is all a dream?
    For a little while she will pretend it is all ok....then WHAM out of no where shell start in on me....

    I can describe how important my grandparents were too me...
    they took me in....I..I just dont know. I'm rather eloquent at times, but I can not fashion into words, how much this hurts...

    Yet......ever other second I have to hear..."I just want to know that I am welcomed in your house."

    My fiance is the first woman in my entire life i've ever given a key too.
    She comes and goes as she pleases..

    My uncle seems to think she is trying to compete for the same level of love..

    All I know is that I've thought of suicide more and more this past year....
    then my uncle in law(Step grandfathers son in law) kills himself and leaves us to find the body a week later.

    I think it is a selfish thing to do and I would ever do it to my family...

    But I have to find a way to stop thinking about it . Any help you guys can offer will be appreciated.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    God hun you have had so much tragedy in your life. You need to step back and just take time to look after YOU now okay If you need councelling then get it okay You need breathing space now hun i do hope you can take time away and just pamper you some now hugs
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    First off, I'm sincerely sorry for your losses, did your uncle have mental isues or was it a spur of the moment incident? :(

    Have you been feeling lonely? Sometimes when we're feeling lonely, we're inclined to keep everything to ourselves and maybe that's why she's feeling out of the picture? Either way, I hope she and you begin to feel better soon. I attempted suicide last month and boy let me reassure you it is NOT the answer. Things can get better.You must keep trying, it's great to hear that you want to stop thinking about it, which shows you want to improve your life and you're willing. Have you been seeing by a psychiatrist or doctor over these thoughts you have? It'd be worth it, it would do no harm anyway.They might be able to wider your options for you. :) Best of luck to you, much love, Inmemoryofyou xox
  4. BeautifullyChaotic

    BeautifullyChaotic Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry to hear of all you've been through in these past few months, I can't imagine dealing with so much loss in such a short amount of time.

    I think she may be worried that with so much loss, you are pulling away and tucking your emotions inside. A lot of more sensitive people, such as most women, feel the need to reach out for affection in times of loss, and other people withdraw a bit to take time to grieve. She may be the type that reaches out and doesn't understand why you aren't reaching out to her for more comfort, it may be causing her insecurities. Maybe you should explain to her (if you haven't already) that you are grieving and just don't feel the lovey dovey cuddling right now, and that you will be back to yourself once the grieving period has passed and you are feeling more like yourself again.

    As far as wanting to know how to get rid of these thoughts, it's really different from person to person. Some people bury themselves in work, or around the house projects, keeping themselves busy so they don't have time to think about it, others work out in order to focus negative energy into exercise. Some people read books or watch movies, write, paint, draw... just doing something, anything to keep the mind busy. I took up a book club and few other hobbies and that seems to help me. I knit and write, read and discuss literature with my friends from the book club and I play with my kids. My husband even wants to get me a dog, so I can distract myself taking care of and playing with it.

    In your situation, I would have to suggest a vacation, maybe a trip to the beach or the mountains, where you can have some quiet space to yourself to grieve and cry and yell and scream if you need to, get it out and be vocal about it, and then return home and find something that keeps you busy and makes you happy, there are a great deal of different hobbies out there that can be very therapeutic.
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