i wouldnt say im suicidal as such but..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by twing, Sep 10, 2011.

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  1. twing

    twing Active Member

    that doesn't mean im not hurting, i think about suicide alot
    i would cut myself but i dont want scars
    i would punch myself but i don't want bruises
    i would drink a whole lot or swallow pils but i dont want to damage my liver
    i would suffocate myself but i dont really want to , what if it didnt work and i just got brain damage, same with drowning / hanging
    i would electrocute myself but what if it hurt

    im suffering, i feel like sh*t im sick of this but i still dont really want to die, so i just sit there depressed moping. I dont care about myself, i verbally abuse myself i try and beat myself down into depression, sometimes i think i want to feel depressed and sorry for myself in a sort of emotional self harm kind of way

    last night i was drunk and xxxxxxx was on my mind, i wouldn't do it but i constantly want to
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 10, 2011
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    So glad you kept yourself safe last night...I hope that tonight was better...and that you seek help, both here and with someone who can guide you to feel better...having no external evidence of what you do does not mean that internally, you are not hurting a lot...that is what matters...please continue to be safe and post here to let us know what is going on for you
     
  3. toopainfultolive

    toopainfultolive Well-Known Member

    Just wanna let you know I feel the same. Peace.
     
  4. twing

    twing Active Member

    It is weird, when i emotionally beat myself sometimes it continues on in my dreams, not in a nightmare kind of way, more in a semi conscious kind of way, i spend the whole night emotionally beating myself. I guess just as some people want to feel physical pain i want to feel emotional pain.
    Right this minute i feel better than i did before, but no doubt i will feel semi stuffed up over the next few days, really most of the time i feel semi-stuffed up. Today i was severely depressed this has happened several times recently and each time after it is over it feels like 'this is my last chance to sort things out', i feel like my last chances are running out, i don't know how many more times i can complete this cycle, i don't want to go through this anymore

    i posted this somewhere else on the internet today..
    depression, one of those days where you give up life sucks you dont want to se the outside world. Today actually started of pretty good then it fell down a long slope. I dont care i don't feel a part of this world, somewhat feeling dissociation, the thing is i like feeling dissociation it is like a way of escaping, sometimes i think i like feeling depressed it is like way of punishing myself and getting through the day (in a weird dreamy depressed state). I don't care about myself i wanted to improve my posture im slouching like a mofo, i wanted to gain weight today all i ate was a f*cking apple even though im too broke as sh*t to buy food anyway thats no the problem there is food in the house, i don't know why, im not hungry, i don't want to eat i guess i am sort of punishing myself, i don't care my life sux. I want to hurt myself but i wouldn't. I'm an ugly useless piece of sh*t
     
  5. twing

    twing Active Member

    I have decided I am leaving these forums.
    Although sometimes I wish I just didn't wake up in the morning I don't believe I am actually suicidal. You may have seen in some of my post I have said i don't believe I would actually ever do it and I don't actually want to die, things just get too much sometimes. This isn't just a moment of feeling good I have been pretty depressed the last few days, I just don't think suicide and self harm are really for me.

    I will leave my account open, I know I can always return if I want to, take care:smile:

    Thanks for the help.
     
  6. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    :hugtackles: Take good care...Alex
     
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