I wrecked my wife's life and I'm not fit to live.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by WishIwasBetter, Jan 27, 2011.

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  1. WishIwasBetter

    WishIwasBetter New Member

    I married a sweet girl in 20 years ago. She was 22, I was 28. She was/is beautiful in every way. But it was never enough and I controlled her life and was always looking for something better to come along. Rather than loving her for who she was I tried to make her into what I wanted her to be, that which would make me feel better and, most importantly, look better to others. In a merciful gesture I threw her and the kids out of the house 2 years ago, hoping she would find happiness without me. I found other relationships which were hollow. She loved me so much and still does. I decided I wanted reconciliation. We talk about it sometimes but then I realize that I may not be any different. That I'm still the same asshole I was before. About the only real progress I can identify is that my anger problem has gotten better. I am a Christian and I seek to be more Christ like but I just don't feel like I'm getting anywhere. I want to be back together with her. She was the best thing that ever happened to me I now see. She might be willing to give me another chance at some point. Meanwhile I haven't had sex for 8 months and I want it bad. There are other women that I could date but I don't because I am holding out hope. I am pretty certain that if I do date I will hate myself even more, like I did the last time. I want her to come back but I also want to warn her: Don't get back together with him. He is a little bit better but he is still not what you need and he's never going to be good enough for you. I've got an education and a great job and have been a good financial provider. I never touched another woman until we separated. Never hit her or called her names but I made her plenty miserable just the same. My car pool buddy is a non believer, curses like a sailor but he loves his wife no matter what. Fat, ugly, broke, he wouldn't care. Why can't I be like that? I'm seeing a shrink (my 7th in 10 years), they don't seem to help. I meet with a pastor once a week which helps a little. So here I am on this forum and I guess it is obvious what is on my mind. Wouldn't my family be better off without me? I took an oxy a few minutes ago, first time I've ever done anything like that for anything other than physical pain. Feels better. Maybe substances are the answer. Anything would be better than this.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    NO therapy for you is the answer CBT therapy to change your ways of thinking to help you be a better person. If you start using what kind of example will you be to your children You need to get some counciling sepertely on marriage therapy so you can be in a better place to support your wife and children.

    How would it be better for them if you were gone you would only cause them more pain and sadness by doing that. Be there for them support them so they can love you and respect you back
     
  3. WishIwasBetter

    WishIwasBetter New Member

    What is CBT therapy?
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    cognitive behavioral therapy
     
  5. Louis03

    Louis03 Well-Known Member

    Hi,

    Cognitive behavioral therapy.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy

    If you want my opinion, which not saying you do, it seems to me like you do love your wife quite a lot. People are different, you seem like the type of person who is more concerned with what people think, social status and so on. Not saying that's good or bad, but like Dr. Phil says "if something's not working for you then it's a problem". Who cares what people think? I mean, really, they don't care about you. The person who cares about you is your wife. So, in the past 20 years you're not happy with the way you did things. Well, I'm guessing you should have at least 20 more years to make up for it, don't waste them. ;)
     
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