I married a sweet girl in 20 years ago. She was 22, I was 28. She was/is beautiful in every way. But it was never enough and I controlled her life and was always looking for something better to come along. Rather than loving her for who she was I tried to make her into what I wanted her to be, that which would make me feel better and, most importantly, look better to others. In a merciful gesture I threw her and the kids out of the house 2 years ago, hoping she would find happiness without me. I found other relationships which were hollow. She loved me so much and still does. I decided I wanted reconciliation. We talk about it sometimes but then I realize that I may not be any different. That I'm still the same asshole I was before. About the only real progress I can identify is that my anger problem has gotten better. I am a Christian and I seek to be more Christ like but I just don't feel like I'm getting anywhere. I want to be back together with her. She was the best thing that ever happened to me I now see. She might be willing to give me another chance at some point. Meanwhile I haven't had sex for 8 months and I want it bad. There are other women that I could date but I don't because I am holding out hope. I am pretty certain that if I do date I will hate myself even more, like I did the last time. I want her to come back but I also want to warn her: Don't get back together with him. He is a little bit better but he is still not what you need and he's never going to be good enough for you. I've got an education and a great job and have been a good financial provider. I never touched another woman until we separated. Never hit her or called her names but I made her plenty miserable just the same. My car pool buddy is a non believer, curses like a sailor but he loves his wife no matter what. Fat, ugly, broke, he wouldn't care. Why can't I be like that? I'm seeing a shrink (my 7th in 10 years), they don't seem to help. I meet with a pastor once a week which helps a little. So here I am on this forum and I guess it is obvious what is on my mind. Wouldn't my family be better off without me? I took an oxy a few minutes ago, first time I've ever done anything like that for anything other than physical pain. Feels better. Maybe substances are the answer. Anything would be better than this.