I wrote the suicide last night. I was so angry, sad and agitated, I just had to make up my mind about ending it and writing the note got me to relax; get some sleep... Because I knew it was step one. I think it's a good note. It' just says that I'm fed up and I'm sorry. Also specified that it's nobodys fault. I don't want anyone to think they made me do it. So I really want to do it. I have two options; one with prescription pills that might be messy and might not work coz I dont have enough; or one that is pretty much fail safe, but I dunno if I have the courage to do it. Only problem is; I keep thinking about this one thing I want to do first. This one guy I want to do. He is fucking hot. And up for it. Yesterday he was slipping his hand under my shirt and kissing my neck (at work) and maaan that felt great. So I dunno. I don't want to allow myself to get hurt by a married guy; but at the same time I'd like to have that experience with someone I really really want as opposed to someome who is just ok. Maybe I'm so suicidal right now because I know no good will come out of this situation. I'll end up getting hurt here no matter what, I guess I already am... And I just wanna end it before it gets worse; and even tho I know these things tend to get better with time; there will always be the next one and the next. Maybe I am realizing all I'll ever get is hurt, and I can't take it anymore? Oh I'm so confused. All I know is that I want out. Maybe that is enough.