Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by EricS, Jun 30, 2009.

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  1. EricS

    EricS Member

    ... let me first start off by saying this is hard for me to do. I've never opened up and told anyone about my suicidal feelings, not even family. But I just hope to get a few things off my chest and hope that it helps... this may be a long post, sorry..

    If you've not seen my intro. thread.. my name is Eric and I'm 21 years old (22 in a month). I never used to think about suicide before... not until 2 years ago. I lost a 2 year old niece when I was 10, she died in a terrible car accident when a semi rear-ended the car she was in. Luckily my sister and her husband lived, and none of the other kids were with them, so we didn't lose more. I somehow think this planted a seed that would one day come back and start all these feelings I'm having.

    Even though she was only two at the time, me and her had formed a strong bond - no one could explain why, but I couldn't go anywhere without her normally. She would always meet me when I got off the bus from school, running to me with her arms wide open sceaming "guncle guncle" (she called me that instead of uncle :) ). It's been several years but I still remember that like it was yesterday.

    Fast forward a few years I lost my Aunt. Me and her were close as well. She lived about two hours away from us, but I'd usually find a way to get there on the weekends... that was a bad blow to both me and my mom when she died. She died when I was 13.

    I graduated High School in 2005, had plans to go to college and everything. Unfortunately, that never happened. I made my family top priority, still do. I was constantly depressed because I couldn't get a job at the time to try and help support my mother - who works in a factory 10 hrs / day and had to pay rent, electric, phone, groceries, etc all on her own. I finally got a job in Sept. 2007 working for a gov't contractor (call center), two months later my mother was diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer. While that was terrifying on it's own, she had to go through surgery, chemo, and radiation. (luckily today, she is cancer free -- but the doctors say this type of cancer typically comes back, or most patients only live up to 5 years even after treatment). My mother's a strong women, been through a lot, so I think she can make it (hopefully) - cause if something happens (within the next couple years)... I know I'll def. break down and won't be any coming back.

    Job-wise, I worked at the company until May 2009, when I quit. From late March on 'til mid-may, I was constantly sick and had back problems; which the company didn't seem to care too much about, they have a "points" system - I had racked up enough to be fired anyway. So now, we're back to how things were before I got the job. My mom is stuck having to pay everything, while I try night and day to find a new job, and anything I can online to make money -- not working too well right now.

    I catch nothing but hell from my family, and my mom, for quitting that job. They think I quit because of laziness, not wanting to work, etc - when that's not the case (as I said above). All I hear now from my mom is "I'll never forget what type of position you put me in, you've screwed us". Constantly hearing how I'm a failure, etc.

    On top of it all... I have to deal with weight issues. I've been overweight all my life, and even now people still like to crack jokes. I've tried diets, exercise, cutting down, pills, everything short of surgery to lose weight-- hasn't worked. Now I have some family members trying to pressure me into having the surgery.

    I just don't know what to do anymore. I have days where I'm fine, then the next I get dangerously close to the edge, and all I can do is cry and think of nothing more than just ending it all.. I've even thought of how I'd do it..

    I just hope and pray to God something changes soon... cause I don't know how much longer I can take it...
  2. yursomedicated

    yursomedicated Chat & Forum Buddy

    Eric, I think joining this site may help you out. I am always here if you need anyone to talk to.
  3. EricS

    EricS Member

    Thanks Ronnie, and I appreciate that. I do feel a bit better now that I got all that out and off my chest.
  4. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Glad to hear that venting all that helped you a bit. Take care of yourself and keep posting here if you need to =)
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