Iam so tired

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Leviathan, Apr 25, 2007.

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  1. Leviathan

    Leviathan New Member

    Ive been thinking of it for some time know. you know, suicide.I just cant take this shit anymore. I have the fealing as if an dark angel is following me all the time. Giving me so much bad luck and such. Like today, i was out riding with my moped, only in 20-25 km per hour, the all of a sudden the whole moped (which wieghs around 95-100 kilos) trips over me. The fucking thing wasent even insured. Iam having a terrible pain right now. I was lucky couse i didnt break any leg or so what. Then when i came home my mom keeps calling me worthless and such. She says sometimes when iam around "oh, why did i have to get just this child" or "why this curse?" and such. i have a brother and a sister. they both have good grades. i, on the other hand suck on ewerything that has something to do with the school. Thats the reason why my mom dont like me. like iam a worthless peace of shit... first i did not belive it. now... i do. Theres allways bad things happening to me.. i just want to end it. and yes, iam 15. im sorry if i spell wrong or someting.
    Im so tired...
     
  2. KathyLynnKilroy

    KathyLynnKilroy Active Member

    Yeah. Try a beaurocratic mess up that goes back almost two years and that they never managed to fix, no matter how many times you told them to. Imagine that little mistake costs you your income, your home, your stability, your life.

    I have the best person in my life right now. And it's so sad because we will both go down together.

    I don't think we'll survive another bout of homelessness. It's just better we die rather than go through that again.

    You want bad luck? You should see what bad luck we've had.

    And it gets better. Nobody wants to talk to us about it. I guess it's because it's just too incredible.

    Even spoke to a lawyer today, and they said the story sounded completely unreal. Well. We have papers, and he's going to be kinda' shocked to see them.

    Not that it helps, of course. We're still unlikely to get the help we need in order to save us.
     
  3. Leviathan

    Leviathan New Member

    Would you tell me what "beaurocratic mess up" that happend? if its not to big of course. Do you think today is the only thing i was talking about? its been like this. eweryday. for two months now. then maybe a week without it. then it starts again.
     
  4. Leviathan

    Leviathan New Member

    And do you know how it feels not being accepted, by anyone? not even you own parents? Like there is nothing, nothing good about me? that "me" is 100% full of shit? iam so tired of hearing how much i suck.
     
  5. KathyLynnKilroy

    KathyLynnKilroy Active Member

    The beaurocratic mess up was the Social Security Administration successfully managing to bungle our address for over a year and half, now, in spite of the times we told them what our address really is.

    I was a geek in school. Since I grew up with the PC, you may not understand how they were viewed then. A computer was something you bought and set on a pedestal in the living room and let no one touch because they might break it. Nobody certainly knew how to use them, what with the super sophistocated MS-DOS 2.11 and stuff people were using.

    Gods! The modern calculator has more power than an IBM PCjr ever did! {Laughs}

    My peers never accepted me, but my family did. Because my family discarded all concepts of gender norms. There were some problems, the biggest of which happened in ... gods! Set the WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY back machine! ... 1989!

    Anyway, I've had problems dealing with stuff ever since, and people get on my ass all the time, telling me that I'm stronger than that. But I'm not. I never was.

    I'm a transsexed girl. One of the old guard, before all this new fangled open discussion about it and the national debates on wether transsexed people conform to the health and sanctity of marriage and family. Total crap they're even arguing it.

    So I was treated like a boy and still am treated like a boy. People think I can take boy stuff and do boy stuff and I can't because I'm not, nor was I ever, a boy.

    I woke up to myself three and a half years ago. I realized I should not be anything for anyone. No Matter What! A real little victory for me.

    But now my mother doesn't understand that she has a daughter, and always has had a daughter.

    Other problems make a lot of sense, too, now. People could always see the double image that is me. And that scares a lot of people.

    People would choose to see the boy and work to treat me as a boy. But still, the double image scares people.

    I am, of course, very feminine. Since I have a boy's body, it means I'm supposed to like men. I do not. I find men, as a rule, to be pretty vile creatures. There are marvelous exceptions, of course, but they're few and far between.

    Recently, I've been getting a lot of flak from people in official positions telling me I have made a "lifestyle" choice, when the only choice I have made is to be me, to express who and what I really am. Indeed, if anything, this seems to make people even more nervous ...

    Anyway ... I've grown scared since I awoke to me. I found that I was afraid people would chase me back in to that place where I had to hide and pretend to be something I'm not. And indeed, they are trying, but I pretty consistenly refuse them.

    So yes, I know what it's like to not be approved of. There are a lot of things I've not covered. A great deal of stuff. But yeah, by and large, people do not accept nor approve of me. Not even my own mother.
     
  6. Ampacity

    Ampacity Active Member

    Dear Chigge

    I know what you mean, I was once there. I hated myself for what happened to me. Wasn't even my fault, for years i just wanted it all to stop, in school i wasn't excepted by any group. what friend i had usually just kept me around to make fun of me. Even with all this my grades where horrible, and my parents should no support. But... I just kept on going holding on. It took a while to get my life back together, i found my best friend who was just as disliked as i, after a few years its so different. What i'm trying to say is man hold on life is odd, very odd! it has ups and downs, and serious up and extreme downs. I hope this helps
     
  7. Ampacity

    Ampacity Active Member

    Even with all this my grades where horrible, and my parents *showed* no support, in fact i to was called worthless, on many ocassions
    sorry about that i to can not spell.
     
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