this is my first post, or thread if you will. i am a 20 year old college student who has been through far too much in my life to ever be able to full understand. when i was 12, i started cutting myself, but a few years down the road, that addiction came to a sudden stop when i discovered that pills gave me the same high as the adrenline did. but with less physical scars on my body. when i was 18, i started to take more than my fairshare of over the counter pain meds. i started off taking about one or two more than the recommended dose, but after two months of doing so, the high started to decrease and i started taking more and more to the point where i was taking 20+ pills a night.. i would sneak and take some of my father's vicadin and oxycodin, but not enough to where it would be a completely noticeable thing. this past march, i took a few too many, and i ended up in the hospital. but i lied to them, and just said something was upsetting my stomach and my sides hurt. i'm in school to become a teacher, so i didn't want to tell them the truth in case of being locked away and losing any chance i have to become an educator. i felt like a failure and i felt useless. after i was released, i swore to myself that i would stop putting myself through that, and since then i have only overdosed about four times.. one of my friends from high school killed himself when he overdosed back in march, and at the funeral, that wan't the way i wanted to rekindle with high school friends, ya know? and that was another thing that probed me to stop with my actions. but now it's 8 months later, and i can't help but want to die and i feel my whole life as i've known it, is a lie. i feel that people lied to me to make me happy and make me feel okay, but what's the use of it anymore when i know what they're doing.. so now i just sit and stare at the medicine cabinet and just want to feel alive.. and i don't know what to do about anything anymore, i don't trust anyone or anything in my life.. can anyone help me..?