"Ice princess" from Germany

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Lady Snowblood, Mar 11, 2016.

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  1. Lady Snowblood

    Lady Snowblood Active Member

    Hi everyone,
    I'm a 21-year old student and no, I'm not an ice skater as you might have guessed from the title.
    I just feel like the term suits me right, given that I'm dead and cold inside and lock all my
    feelings away. That is to say, if there are any feelings left at all. I can't even remember what happiness or
    joy feels like and am tired of being treated like a broken toy. I can't even tell you what made me register
    here, maybe it was the slight glimpse of hope that I might find other people here who also feel like they
    don't belong anywhere and are just wasting there time here on earth.
  2. PhiloJoe

    PhiloJoe Member

    Your words are well put. When I was your same age, I had my first dark thoughts (even though I have several girlfriends, in law school, etc.) I turned to religion, even though I was agnostic. My point is that, being that age, I walked out of a church after kneeling and sobbing, and started walking down the sidewalk. It was a beautiful day and I looked up at the clouds and the sunshine and said, "No, you can't do...it doesn't make sense....I am young enough to just get up and move away to try new things, and besides, each day brings a new dawn." And from that point, I was no longer suicidal for a long time. What I am trying to say is that, you are young. Your pain is as real as everyone else's, whatever the source. I had to try 27 meds before I found two that help me. I am glad you came here for support. The folks here are great and can relate. The best thing is that the people here are reaching out for hope....something is keeping them here for a reason. Welcome!
    sahel likes this.
  3. Lady Snowblood

    Lady Snowblood Active Member

    Thanks for your welcoming words, though I have to say that for me, the suicidal thoughts started from a very early age (thirteen) on,
    and they've been continuous ever since. However, right now I don't feel like I would act on them (although this can change within seconds),
    I'm more or less indifferent of anything around me. I don't understand how people can be excited by whatever excites them, as for me there is
    nothing I really care about. Life isn't fun, it's dull and exhausting and meaningless. Anyways, glad to hear that turning towards religion worked
    for you, but I'm afraid I won't get any consolation from the church.
  4. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. I hope that you can find what you're looking for here.
  5. Lady Snowblood

    Lady Snowblood Active Member

    You too, thanks for welcoming me.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi and welcome to the forum, I am glad you chose to join here, I hope you find it easy to talk about your issues here. You are worth more than to throw your life away and end it all. You can get help and get better. ((big hugs)) If you ever want to talk one-on-one just feel free to to start a conversation with me on my profile!
  7. Lady Snowblood

    Lady Snowblood Active Member

    Thank you Petal. Life is strange, I felt particularly indifferent when I was writing this self introduction
    a couple of hours ago, but right now I'm feeling 'kind of ok' (and this is actually the best state I can get).
    Maybe it's the night, I've always loved the darkness and the full moon shining down on me. Right now
    I'm flicking through some threads, seeing who needs my help and supporting those of us here who are
    in more of a crisis-state than I currently am.
    CandleLight, sahel and Petal like this.
  8. CandleLight

    CandleLight Well-Known Member

    Welcome Lady SB. I hope you wouldn't mind some questions about Germany from time to time, I have always wanted to visit! I do hope you find some comfort here, some reasons to smile or find something you enjoy. Do you have any hobbies? I have a Bashkir Curly Horse, apparently Germans love them too.
  9. Lady Snowblood

    Lady Snowblood Active Member

    Thanks CandleLight and welcome, maybe you'll find what you're looking for here. Although I've only joined a couple of days ago, I am afraid this forum
    won't do much for me and I have nothing to give either. I feel like I'm just deceiving myself. Let' s face it, all my drivel on here won't change anything for anyone.
    Maybe there are people who really get cheered up by hollow phrases and strangers who tell them how sorry they feel for them, but I don't believe in any of this.

    The time I still had hobbies is long gone, when I lost interest in life I basically lost interest in anything it has to offer. Well, I should have written anything it claims
    to have to offer instead, for I think it has nothing to offer at all. However, you still seem to have hobbies (your horse), that's nice to hear. I actually didn't know
    Curly Horses before, but I've googled them and they are beautiful. I know I sound kind of disillusioned and pissed off right now and in a way I am, but don't let that bother you, it's just because I'm having one of my dark moments right now. I'll be honest, I don't know why anyone would be wanting to visit Germany, but of course I don't mind
    being asked questions about my country, so feel free to ask me if you like to.
  10. CandleLight

    CandleLight Well-Known Member

    Here is my horse's great grandfather. Sometimes I Google "Curly Horses" to cheer me up. I love my horse and she is a big reason I'm still alive, but the cost of keeping a horse is very expensive. I am homeless now, actually. But all of my PTSD and depression go away as soon as I get to the barn (where I pay to board her).

    Life is so hard, and I can appreciate your feeling that no one and nothing can help. I won't tell you to cheer up or that "things will get better" or any of that, because I don't think that works for you.

    But I am curious if it might be a tiny bit helpful to make a small list of what you used to enjoy and why those were good things. It might sound stupid, but I would love to read what you have to say if you want to give it a shot.

    Here's my list for right this minute, things I used to enjoy/ things I enjoy: *horses, dogs, cats (I have a horse, a dog and a cat) *swimming (even though I haven't been to a pool in years) *writing in my journal/ making lists

    If thinking of things you liked in the past and making a list is not something you want to do, I hope you don't mind if I post some neat pictures to your thread now and then. :) To give you a reason to come back to the site.

    The horse in the photo is named Walker Prince T. He's kind of famous. :)

    Attached Files:

  11. Lady Snowblood

    Lady Snowblood Active Member

    Thanks for sharing your picture with me.
    I don't know why these were good things, but I used to enjoy strolling through the woods, gazing at the sea and nature in general,
    listening to and playing music, painting or learning exotic languages...
    CandleLight likes this.
  12. CandleLight

    CandleLight Well-Known Member

    What do you like best about the woods? Here in Northern California USA there are some Redwood forests, I love their reddish-brown bark, the moss-covered stumps and stones, and even the occasional banana slug! The forest is so alive, but also pleasantly quiet. I like the shady canopy of branches, too.
  13. Lady Snowblood

    Lady Snowblood Active Member

    I like the darkness of fir forests, the loneliness and the absence of any kind of masquerade or masks our 'civilized' world likes to wear so much.
    A walk in the woods makes me feel closer to my true self, it makes me remember the almost forgotten feeling of freedom in a way only comparable to gazing at
    the open sea or the wide sky.
    CandleLight likes this.
  14. CandleLight

    CandleLight Well-Known Member

    Wonderfully put, Lady SB.
  15. just girl

    just girl New Member

    Everyone talks about hope in a positive way- hope leads to dissapointmeng, I know from experience. Best to quit hoping and start appreciating things you already have-nature belongs to you ! Go out side and hug a tree. Im not kidding just be with the tree and put yourself in the trees shoes. Because you are a tree and a tree is you too
    sahel likes this.
  16. sahel

    sahel SF Supporter

    I also enjoy being in nature, like just girl said, being in nature can help, specially in spring/summer.
    It may seem weird, but I also enjoyed hugging a big old tree.:)
  17. Lady Snowblood

    Lady Snowblood Active Member

    Actually, I don't think it is such a weird idea. I'd much rather hug a tree than another human being. However, it's usually sufficient for me to just be
    in nature without 'interacting' with it. I think plants have a mind of their own, too, in some way or the other. What they lack is just the abbility to express
    themselves in a language we humans understand, but they surely do communicate (just using their own language). Maybe they love being hugged, maybe they
    don't, who knows?
    sahel, Witty_Sarcasm and CandleLight like this.
  18. CandleLight

    CandleLight Well-Known Member

    ^^^I really like Lady SB's comment.
  19. Lady Snowblood

    Lady Snowblood Active Member

    Wow, it's been quite a while. I thought I was actually feeling better, but maybe I was just deceiving myself. I wonder if you can ever
    truly escape that tiresome feeling of depression and all the side effects it brings with it. I guess not. After these nine years, I feel like
    it's already become a major part of my character. I can't imagine myself without that melancholy mood and negative aura anymore that have both accompanied
    me for so long. It's like living in a parallel universe of darkness. Even if I was to find my way out there one day, I guess my long stay has made me
    blind for the sunlight I could possibly encounter in the real world anyway, even if it was shining right into my face.

    So consider yourself warned that I might visit here more often again. This place somehow makes me feel like I might not be the only alien having a
    hard time out there. After all, I've gotten tired having to live amongst people who will never get what it's like to hate your existence on earth.
    I feel like I was found guilty in a trial and got the same sentence as so many other poor souls out there: A big fat portion of 'life' you've actually never asked for.
  20. Flaxney

    Flaxney Well-Known Member

    Do you have any hobbies that you can distract yourself with?
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