Hi. I used to be an active member on this site a number of years ago when I was so depressed and hopeless that I really wished to end everything to get away from the pain. I was drinking heavily to ease the pain and abusing xxxx I could get my hands on, I just wanted to numb myself or knock myself out. I haven't been on this site for a couple of years trying to get on with life, but still drinking and xxxx just so I could sleep at night, and be barely functional to wake up the next day and convince everyone in my life that everything was okay. Then things seemed to get a little better - I finally got over the boyfriend who abused me and dumped me during my early pregnancy telling me I'm a liar and worthless and he didn't love me anymore. When I miscarried after 4 months I lied in my bed bleeding, wishing I were dying with my baby, and I had no one to reach out to. After several years I miraculously survived, I finally felt I was resilient enough to move forward, and I tried dating, I tried going out with friends, I tried to get close to people I work with, I tried everything I'd been afraid of before. My therapist has been so gentle, kind and accepting of my self-doubt and self-hatred and I am forever grateful for that. Then I fell in love. As much as I've been afraid to risk my dysfunctional yet functional - meaning drinking a bottle of wine every night and overdosing xxxx to knock myself out by 8pm so I can be up and running by 7 am next morning - routine or let anyone get close to me to know how messed up I am, I fell in love. I thought, they were right...there are things to look forward to in life and I am so glad I didn't kill myself 4 years ago. Today, the person I've been falling in love with and slowly exposing my true self to, told me he's no longer able to continue the relationship because I drink too much, I can't communicate my feelings well enough, and I'm too sick and toxic for him. I am not suicidal right now but it hurts so bad. I'm so well aware of my own problems, insecurity, inability to communicate in fear of rejection. And I thought I could overcome that and learn how to love and be loved. And to hear that I'm disqualified of love because I drink too much and I can't communicate my true (probably suicidal) feelings, is devastating. It's a vicious cycle - I am too dysfunctional to be loved for who I truly am. When I try and pretend I'm a good person, I'm deceiving people, and when people realize how messed up I am inside, they hate me. The way I am, is me. Years of rejection, abuse, trauma and isolation, is me. Yet I try to survive, to hang on, to get by, but in the end it seems that I'm not worthy enough. When I try to hide it, I'm not genuine, when I try to be communicative and genuine, I'm too fucked up. I can't even cry right now because I'm afraid of losing control, because I know what it's like to lose control and get to a point where death seems like a good idea. It feels like my heart's being stabbed repeatedly and I'm trying to distract myself so I won't be in pain. I'm just not capable of enduring so much pain and the only coping mechanism I have is to numb myself by pills or alcohol. And I guess that makes me unworthy of anything normal, because I'm abnormal. I just wanted to vent here, because I know so many of you are going through, or have gone through, what I'm suffering from. Instead of overdosing or doing anything reckless I just wanted to share my feelings.