I'd like to share with those of you in pain

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by koo99, Nov 10, 2010.

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  1. koo99

    koo99 New Member

    I used to be an active member on this site a number of years ago when I was so depressed and hopeless that I really wished to end everything to get away from the pain. I was drinking heavily to ease the pain and abusing xxxx I could get my hands on, I just wanted to numb myself or knock myself out.
    I haven't been on this site for a couple of years trying to get on with life, but still drinking and xxxx just so I could sleep at night, and be barely functional to wake up the next day and convince everyone in my life that everything was okay.
    Then things seemed to get a little better - I finally got over the boyfriend who abused me and dumped me during my early pregnancy telling me I'm a liar and worthless and he didn't love me anymore. When I miscarried after 4 months I lied in my bed bleeding, wishing I were dying with my baby, and I had no one to reach out to. After several years I miraculously survived, I finally felt I was resilient enough to move forward, and I tried dating, I tried going out with friends, I tried to get close to people I work with, I tried everything I'd been afraid of before. My therapist has been so gentle, kind and accepting of my self-doubt and self-hatred and I am forever grateful for that.
    Then I fell in love. As much as I've been afraid to risk my dysfunctional yet functional - meaning drinking a bottle of wine every night and overdosing xxxx to knock myself out by 8pm so I can be up and running by 7 am next morning - routine or let anyone get close to me to know how messed up I am, I fell in love. I thought, they were right...there are things to look forward to in life and I am so glad I didn't kill myself 4 years ago.
    Today, the person I've been falling in love with and slowly exposing my true self to, told me he's no longer able to continue the relationship because I drink too much, I can't communicate my feelings well enough, and I'm too sick and toxic for him.
    I am not suicidal right now but it hurts so bad. I'm so well aware of my own problems, insecurity, inability to communicate in fear of rejection. And I thought I could overcome that and learn how to love and be loved.
    And to hear that I'm disqualified of love because I drink too much and I can't communicate my true (probably suicidal) feelings, is devastating.
    It's a vicious cycle - I am too dysfunctional to be loved for who I truly am. When I try and pretend I'm a good person, I'm deceiving people, and when people realize how messed up I am inside, they hate me.
    The way I am, is me. Years of rejection, abuse, trauma and isolation, is me. Yet I try to survive, to hang on, to get by, but in the end it seems that I'm not worthy enough. When I try to hide it, I'm not genuine, when I try to be communicative and genuine, I'm too fucked up.
    I can't even cry right now because I'm afraid of losing control, because I know what it's like to lose control and get to a point where death seems like a good idea.
    It feels like my heart's being stabbed repeatedly and I'm trying to distract myself so I won't be in pain. I'm just not capable of enduring so much pain and the only coping mechanism I have is to numb myself by pills or alcohol. And I guess that makes me unworthy of anything normal, because I'm abnormal.
    I just wanted to vent here, because I know so many of you are going through, or have gone through, what I'm suffering from. Instead of overdosing or doing anything reckless I just wanted to share my feelings.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 10, 2010
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am truly glad you decided to share this with us...I disagree with your premise...because you are in pain and you are doing things that might not be in your own best interest, does not mean you are worthless...it means you are in pain...anyone who has known that level of pain would not question your worth...yes, our worth is evaluated by what we do, but there is a context to your drinking and such...you want to be free of pain, and this can make someone do rather drastic things...please know we are here for you and that you are valuable and wanted here...also know that you can PM me if I can help...big hugs and so sorry you are hurting so much...J
  3. tigers4343

    tigers4343 Member

    Thanks for sharing what you are feeling and going through. You certainly put yourself down but yet your actions show that you are getting better. There are people out there who will love you for you- warts and all. Don't beat yourself up- congratulate yourself on being able to get those thoughts and feelings out. You talked about a therpist who had helped you- are you still seeing that therapist? Maybe that would help some. Don't give up on yourself- being an addict myself I know that it sucks being told we drink or use too much and are too sick, but there is help out there. I hope you find something that works for you
  4. Miligram

    Miligram Member

    I am glad you shared your experience with us here.Yea..your actions were similar,still are :)to mine.I was also mixing alcohol with xxxxx benzos until i got addicted to xanax.Later i cleaned my self.But still............years have benn gone and now i am not better,i ask my self....what the hell is the point ?!? i've been trough so many detox shit,therapay ...everything. and now my biggest and was ! that is important to say
    is depression. I am on Valium and Ciparex...some antidepressant and life is going...like a car. I have no girlfriend over 2 years now,i have no sex life,i have no friends,so let's face it ! there are all facts,not some bullshit...and how can a person normal live like that ? Sometimes i will explode....
    in the past i had 2 suicide plans but i did not done it...who knows..someday i maybe will because i i think that there is an afterlife after u die,in some shape or form...so if iam not happy with my reak life i can go into the afterlife where i will be not depressed ,but happy ! :) I am not afraid of dying
    .The human been is a week creature,its the smartest on planet earth,but a single insect-virus can call human,,,million humans.
  5. victor

    victor Account Closed

    im sorry to hear that, dear. but my i say my opinion: if the person would really love u, he'd never do this to u. coz when u luv some1, u support and try to help em in hard times. and if he doesnt, theres no point to suffer over him, hes not worth it. stay strong:)
  6. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    maybe he's using 'hard love' to shock you into giving up your addictions..it would be very hard to watch someone you love destroying themselves this way...
    I'm sure he doesn't hate you ..
  7. koo99

    koo99 New Member

    I really appreciate your supportive and kind comments!
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