I'd rather be dead than empty

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ~PinkElephants~, Dec 7, 2006.

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  1. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    I let him touch me last night and I didn't even try to stop him. I didn't fight, I didn't beg or plead, I didn’t even tell him no. I just let him do whatever he wanted knowing full well I was being used. I let him force my head down on his dick because deep down I thought that maybe then he’d truly love me like I loved him. I didn’t stop him, I didn’t even try and it makes me sick to my stomach. I let him say things that no person should ever say to another hoping deep in my heart it was his way of showing he cared. I knew the only reason he wanted to see me last night was because he knew he could manipulate the situation into what he wanted. He knew I was weak, vulnerable and easily swayed. All it took was you know you want to and I let him shove me down. Why am I such a worthless whore? Why do I put myself into situations that I can’t get myself out of? I truly loved him, I truly thought that by doing what he wanted he’d love me back. I let him violate me in ways that I shouldn’t have. I promised myself, I fuckin promised myself that I wouldn’t cave, that I wouldn’t let him make me feel like dying again. He promised me that he cared, that he felt the same way I did but all he wanted was my lips around his dick. In the end is that all I’m worth to people. Is my worth deduced to something as simple and meager as sucking off some guy? Is that the value of my existence? The meaning of my life was summed up for me last night as he tried to kiss me good night and tell me it was worth the visit. Worth the visit? Worth the fuckin’ visit, you asshole?! I’m not even worth the visit, IT was worth the visit. I’m an it, I’m not even a person to him. I’m an IT, I don’t even get the value of a human being, I get the value of garbage, of waste, of nothingness, I get that. I get a hey that felt good thanks for seeing me on your birthday. Fuck people, fuck guys, fuck the human race for all I care, I’ve been deduced to a piece of garbage, why do I care what people think anymore. I don’t care if I cut too deep and bleed to death because I’m already dead inside.
     
  2. Sismial

    Sismial Member

    I'm really sorry to hear that, and I know it's very hard to believe, but you are very important! Some people treat others like shit, but it doesn't mean that you deserve to be treaten like that. No, you don't. It's hard to find yourself important I know, but you have to get away from that kind of an relationship, 'cause he's killing you, and that's so wrong :(.

    I know it's really hard to get away from there, but you deserve so much better and no one, no one has a right to treat you that way!
     
  3. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    you are not dead inside, you have bad feelings inside. i just wanted to ask you if you still love him. i see you´re hurt,and that you are suffering for love, or for the lost of the love you once have. But i just wanted to tell you that if you don´t want to do what he ask, just don´t do it, and if he has raped you you should tell someone who can help you. You must start thinking just about you and not about what other people will do if you do something. You are the onlything you must care about, and assume that he is an asshole and erase him from your life. I know it won´t be ease but he isn´t making you any good. And you will find someday someone who really cares about you and that only will care about what you want. but you must still alive to see the sun come out... pm i´m here allmost everyday. take care
     
  4. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    WLB79 you aren't worthless let me just tell you that and i mean it,if this guy doesn't respect you for who you're then he's not worth it don't give him the satisfaction.You aren't a peice of shit and I'm not just saying that please understand this.
     
  5. altek001

    altek001 Well-Known Member

    ...from here there is nowhere to go but up..
    up off his dirty body. past his using you. beyond him in whole.

    ...it will not be easy. in this case, it will be neigh-impossible..but nothing worth doing ever has been or will.

    but, as i've just said...'neigh'-impossible. you CAN do it. you can...and i hope...you will...

    i will be thinking of you.
    - Henry
     
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