the last few weeks, months, years have been horrible. but especially the last few days. nothing is getting better with time, only worse. i killed my first and only child via abortion. the father of the child and i married the following year. its been one disaster after another ever since including us losing everything we've ever owned in a massive flood and his little brother to suicide. i'd have killed myself a few years ago if it wasn't for that, i don't really want to put anyone thru that horrible experience and especially not his family for the second time. he's going away on a business trip for a few days next week and i am thinking it best to turn myself into the authorities while he's gone. i had the abortion in another state so i may have to drive there. i just want them to take me in so some sort of justice can be served and i can be away from the constant daily triggers of the outside world. its absolutely horrible out here, i wish i could be locked in a padded cell for a few years to be in solitude with myself. my husband doesn't help me emotionally one bit. everyday he says something that sends me deeper into depression. everyday i start a new thinking it will be better and by noon or so its even worse than the day before. i can't be optimistic anymore, it hurts way too badly. would the police do anything if i showed up and confessed? i know probably 99% of them would want to hang me right there. but legally, could they do anything? It is first-degree murder, isn't it? i just don't want to gather all the courage to show up there and then have them laugh at me or turn me away. i really truely do not want to live on the outside right now. i suppose if confessing to that doesn't work i could always go get an ounce of marijuana and show up with that.