I'd rather die then ever fail again...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by randomguy9, Oct 17, 2012.

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  1. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity

    If my life were a movie... it would be titled "Compete and Total Failure".

    You could start with my young school days... where I had few freinds. People hated me... people pushed me around... and no one cared enough to do shit about it. I tried many things in my young life... and failed all of them. Every sport I tried I was bad at...

    Changed schools multiple times and hte story was always the same... never anywher near the top of my class at anything. I have been suicidal sense I was a child... I have never been happy.

    The final eleentry shcool i went to was the worst... And that scared me forever. I got bullied by someone who turned everyone against me. I never was great in school... don't know how many times I was staying after school to redo assignements I failed... I held sports teams back with my shitty genetics... Why the fuck couldnt I hav been born with that top of the line atheltisisim... would fix eery single problem in my life if i was.

    High school was a tad beter... mainly becasue i avoided people for 3 years... Getting to know people in the 4th was another mistake... fell into a religous cult that fucked my life up more.

    Then adulthood... ahh fuck...

    Wasted 4 years in college... and dont 'have even a two year degree to show for it. So now I am a loser with no degree... and no job expierence because I was focuing on school. I need a job that I love that pays well... Happy people may be rich in other ways but I will never be. I can't connect with people and never will be able to... I never learned how to socialize properly thanks to my childhood and there is no way to fix that. No amount of therapy can fix the fact that I was pushed around by some of hte most evil people this world has ever seen...

    Women aren't romanticaly intersted in me... simple fact that i have a decade of evidence to coutner any blind optamisim people throw at me... I will never be rich with a family of my own.

    My only goal in life has been to find something and bbecome the undisputed best in the wrold at it... the one sucess i had on a much smaller level made me realize that is the only thing that makes me happy is competative sucess... to look at people who fuck me over and now I defeated them... but that won't happen.

    My job is a daily trigger... anytime I find out on a moments notice I am needed I want to (Voluntary method omission). It is boring, annoying, and my boxx/relative (working for family) has a way of pushing every single button I have... He means well... but he is clueless.... There is no future in it... and I am more being taken care of then earning my keep... I am a 23 year old infant with no chance at evver becoming anything worth while. I can't deal with this much more... If I am not making great money to distract myself with and actually eanr the right to call myself a man... or in a deep sucessful relationship with a woman (yea right) by my next birthday... I am ending it... I have nothing to offer this world... and I am done trying when teh result is always failure.
  2. saiyukicloud

    saiyukicloud Member

    Its never a good feeling to realize at the end of the day, I'm a failure. Nobody wants that, nobody admits that, but you have the courage to look at what you failed upon. You are being honest with yourself and that is very brave of you. Nothing i say would change your life in a single day but if you try for yourself, improve a bit everyday, talk to people more everyday slowly and gradually you would change for the better. I could start off things like people are more unfortunate than you etc etc but, everyone is different, everyone has different lives. Do something that makes you happy, whether is it a walk in a park, a nice nap, reading a good book. No one is perfect, but we all try in our own way, to try to be better and happier everyday. :), i hope this helps you.
  3. Well, I'm pretty much the same as you are (as my own thread points out), but you have a couple of things I don't have. You are employed and at least decently financially secure; therefore you have the opportunity to enter therapy, find some emotional strength and eventually build a life for yourself. At 23, your lack of a resume won't actually hold you back that much. and as rotten as your social life is, you're only about a decade behind where you should be. Maybe these are insurmountable obstacles…but maybe not.

    If you actually feel you are "being taken care of" rather than earning your keep, perhaps your employers/family will be supportive as you express what you find lacking in your current work and try to find something that makes you feel better (with the help of your therapist, possibly as a negotiator on your behalf). It sounds as though if you could find a job that didn't wreck your self-esteem, you might be able to build up a decent sense of self, eventually.

    Time is a precious commodity; I'm almost out of it, so I know. Take advantage while you have it…becausse being a 23 year-old with poor social skills and psychological damage from your work situation isn't necessarily the end of the road.

    Take it from the 49 year old with lousy social skills, NO job situation, and no way to avoid being homeless, adrift, and completely washed-up garbage. As bad as things are, you still have a cushion which might allow you to turn it around. Use it.
  4. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Did you earn credits for the classes that you did take? Is it possible to go back and apply those credits toward a degree? I am no expert on how it works, but I would guess maybe you would just need to now take the classes specific to the degree itself in order to complete the requirements. I could be wrong. I have a 23 year old son who has no degree and limited work experience, but he's pushing hard and recently got a retail job and is getting noticed (in a short period of time they have already given him big responsibilities). I was bullied as a kid myself and though I loved sports, I wasn't all that good at them. Sports are not for everybody. You have a talent, you may need to search to discover it... but it exists. You say you are 23 but that you have a decade of evidence women aren't interested in you. I would venture to say that you can't really base that on things from when you were 13, 14, 15 (decade ago). You're still young and can find someone - start as someone's friend and see where that goes. My oldest boy is almost 30 and does not have a girlfriend. He has focused his attention to other interests (work, hobbies, etc.) but I am sure he has the same wishes and desires as you do. Time heals all wounds, they say. It's just a saying and I don't believe in all cases it is always or fully true... but I do believe that time provides opportunity and much like the guy who plays a slot machine in Vegas for hours and hours, winning nothing... when he walks away, the next pull of the lever on that one armed bandit may have just been the one that hit jackpot.
  5. ekki2

    ekki2 Member

    I'd just like to point out that to fail, you must first give up and quit. Winners never quit, and quitters never win.
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