I feel really bad right now. I don't ever remember feeling this bad in my life. Something happened today that completely f'ed me up and made me see things that I don't want to see. I'm just going to ramble, because I don't know what else to do. Nothing makes me happy. I am never good enough for myself. I secluded myself in my house for basically 8 years until I was "good enough" for the world. To me, I was never good enough for girls, friends, or to leave the house. What other people said to me about being too hard on myself didn't matter. I am getting out of the house now and I feel ok about myself. I realize that I will never live up to what I thought that I should be, but nobody is perfect. I used to be obsessed with girls. I used to think that girls were the panacea; that having a girlfriend would make me happy and cure all my problems. I was a fucking idiot. They are not a cure for problems and getting attention from them doesn't make me feel good like I thought it would. Life will never be what I thought it would be. This might not make sense to some people, and there is a whole bunch more shit I could type, but I won't. What I am saying is that for my whole life, I always had this idealized vision of what my life should/would be. What I am realizing is that life is never close to "ideal" and that I will never be as happy as I thought I would. Some of you might read that and say "no shit", and you are obviously right. I just feel like nothing makes me happy. Maybe I need to fall in love. That sounds pussy, but hey, isn't that what makes people happy? Sorry if this doesnt make sense to you, but maybe somebody can relate.