ideas to get through tonight?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by spot, Oct 31, 2012.

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  1. spot

    spot Member

    I’m not even sure what I’m wanting by posting but I'm out of ideas.

    I’m so sick of this mental health stuff. I have an awesome life on paper so why can’t I be happy.

    I overdosed about 3 weeks ago but I was honestly such a mess (angry and so drunk) it was probably the most pathetic attempt anyone has ever made.

    Since then I’ve felt like I’ve lost the fear and that I just don’t care anymore (I’ve thought about suicide plenty before but it seemed so scary). Today I just feel totally empty, like I’ve got nothing left. I can’t think of anything to do to take my mind off things because everything just seems dull and the same and I don’t feel I’ve got the energy to engage in anything. I tried to sleep since about 7.30pm to just try and get to tomorrow but can see it’s not going to happen. I would’ve taken zopiclone and a couple of beers but I’ve got none left.

    I feel so much like I want to overdose or something. The thing stopping me at the minute is it still seems a waste since I know deep down I'd prefer to live. I definitely don’t want any more botched attempts anyway so if I do it again I'll make sure I'm 100% and make sure it works. I can’t even be bothered to SI if it’s not going to lead to an attempt; I mean what’s the point. Also if I’m not going to do something serious then I don’t want to do anything at all because when I tell my psychiatrist about anything that hasn’t led to me dying I feel even more like a fraud, attention seeker and can’t stand myself (he's great btw, it’s not his fault I feel that way). Like I said I'd rather wait till I make the decision for definite.

    Anyway I just don’t know how I'm going to get through tonight cos I don’t even know what my outlet can be. I even thought about admitting myself (if you can even do that) but it seems like a terrible idea and I don’t think I'm really in a bad enough way to warrant it. Just thought it might keep me safe. I don’t know what to do.
  2. midnightstar

    midnightstar Senior Member

    Is there anyone you know well who you can spend time with tonight? :hug: You are not alone, most people here are struggling and can understand your situation :hug: My inbox is always open if you need a chat :hug:
  3. spot

    spot Member

    Unfortunately not.

    My gf of 3 years isn’t speaking to me and just loses her temper anyway. She said she would stand by me but turns out she can’t deal with it. That’s fair enough but she also keeps threatening to let my mum in on everything when we argue. She knows I'm not letting my parents know because they will both simultaneously worry and try to sweep it under the rug which is no good for anyone. Keeping this from them and my younger sister is probably my main motivation for not doing anything stupid. If they knew I felt this way then I would probably just go on and do it.
    I have a handful of friends but even the ones I'm closest too I don’t want to drive them away by dragging them down with my crap.

    I posted on here I guess cos I don’t want to pull anyone into it that isn’t already into anymore - it if you know what I mean. It just makes me feel worse.

    Thank you for your kindness though, and I will keep the chat in mind. I don’t really know you but hope you are doing okay too :hug:

    I’ve already started doing a CWE so I'm hoping that will help get me to sleep. I just don’t want to think too much right now
  4. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Hello. I would like to thank you for sharing. I am sure you are a great person with a lot to offer. We all suffer mental issues when we have unresolved issues. When something is bothering us we show it whether we want to or not. The best thing to do is to talk about it and get other people's point of views. You may be suffering now, but there is hope. Suffering can and will end. You just have to discover how and by whom. Do you like to read? I love to read, and to learn. Its thrilling and knowledge is a great tool to have. With knowledge comes freedom. What do you like to do?
  5. spot

    spot Member

    Hi, thanks for replying

    I used to but not for a long time, it’s hard to find a book that can hold my interest, once I’ve got the point of the story I get bored and can’t help reading the end or just leaving it lol. I used to have so much interest in EVERYTHING too :sad:

    Don't get me wrong, I'm still doing plenty of things. Uni, working part time, and some sports (3-4 times a week). It just going through the motions thats all, plus I end up SI'ing after every time I do one of the sports. But at least it stops people from thinking there can be anything majorly wrong. I’ve ended up sacking stuff off a lot recently but for the most part I know it’s the least I can do effort-wise to try and get myself better. I just can’t see the end to it being meaningless and that makes me want to put an end to the whole charade.

    I am always aware how many people feel like this but I forgot how much it helps to hear it (/see it written) so thank you :smile:
    I'm glad you have your books and learning, :smile: hopefully if I can keep plodding I'll get my interest in things back at some point :apathy:
  6. Fight4life

    Fight4life New Member

    :stretcher: hope there will always be a stretcher of help and love underneath you to carry you to protection and peace. And arms to pick you up when you fall :arms:
  7. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi spot, you're wanting something to lift you out of where you are currently, and are out of ideas.

    You ask why can't you be happy?

    You have a great opportunity presenting to you - that of self-awareness, and coming into an appreciation of riches you have never even dreamed of - the answer to that question. The riches are spiritual in nature, and once you discover joy you will know that it's on a different level than just happiness. It is possible for a soul to know joy - and be joyful, even in the midst of trials that would seem to rob away our happiness. It is possible to not rely on our 'happiness monitor' that is so regulated towards our feelings, but to still know joy at this deeper level.

    How is that for a new idea hun? :)
  8. spot

    spot Member

    Thank you :smile:

    I think I may know what you’re getting at but also slightly confused... I have trouble staying on track with a sentence at the best of times... maybe could you draw the concept haha

    The only thing I can remotely relate to what you said is how I feel when I’m somewhere beautiful. Away from people and normal things, you know vast raw natural landscapes/environments. That’s what really calms my 'soul'. I would just stay and never come back I think! It would be lonely just me though, and thats not the life the people most important to me would want or enjoy. My responsibilities to the people I have here are more important.

    Is that anything close to what you meant?

    Then again as much as I feel that way, I do have a tendancy to run away from places trying to get away from myself... it would be nice to ditch me.. *sighs* lol
  9. xKeKix

    xKeKix Member

    Heyy :) Honestlyy it seem so me you should find different people to talk to. You seem pretty interesting and its a chance we may have went through something similar. So ill be willing to talk whenever :)
  10. spot

    spot Member

    and thank you fight4life - thats really sweet :smile:
  11. spot

    spot Member

    Hey XKekiX

    Im not totally into the swing of how these forums work but I've sent you a friend request thing :smile: we should definately chat sometime
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