I’m not even sure what I’m wanting by posting but I'm out of ideas. I’m so sick of this mental health stuff. I have an awesome life on paper so why can’t I be happy. I overdosed about 3 weeks ago but I was honestly such a mess (angry and so drunk) it was probably the most pathetic attempt anyone has ever made. Since then I’ve felt like I’ve lost the fear and that I just don’t care anymore (I’ve thought about suicide plenty before but it seemed so scary). Today I just feel totally empty, like I’ve got nothing left. I can’t think of anything to do to take my mind off things because everything just seems dull and the same and I don’t feel I’ve got the energy to engage in anything. I tried to sleep since about 7.30pm to just try and get to tomorrow but can see it’s not going to happen. I would’ve taken zopiclone and a couple of beers but I’ve got none left. I feel so much like I want to overdose or something. The thing stopping me at the minute is it still seems a waste since I know deep down I'd prefer to live. I definitely don’t want any more botched attempts anyway so if I do it again I'll make sure I'm 100% and make sure it works. I can’t even be bothered to SI if it’s not going to lead to an attempt; I mean what’s the point. Also if I’m not going to do something serious then I don’t want to do anything at all because when I tell my psychiatrist about anything that hasn’t led to me dying I feel even more like a fraud, attention seeker and can’t stand myself (he's great btw, it’s not his fault I feel that way). Like I said I'd rather wait till I make the decision for definite. Anyway I just don’t know how I'm going to get through tonight cos I don’t even know what my outlet can be. I even thought about admitting myself (if you can even do that) but it seems like a terrible idea and I don’t think I'm really in a bad enough way to warrant it. Just thought it might keep me safe. I don’t know what to do.