idk if this counts. warning: may trigger?

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by kiasuten, May 8, 2011.

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  1. kiasuten

    kiasuten Member

    because i wasn't trying to kill myself. last night after my boyfriend and i got into a big fight (it was just after midnight, so it was mother's day and i'm pregnant and it made me feel like crap) i grabbed a shaving razor and just cut deep enough to draw blood.

    normally after a fight i just cry hysterically for a few hours, but because i cry so often it doesn't do anything for me anymore. i had this uncontrollable urge to break something-- and since we've already gone through a new tv (bf broke it) and a new computer monitor (i broke out of retaliation) i didn't want to destroy something i'd have to replace.

    so this was my alternative. i am so disappointed in myself. to cut for the first time on mother's day... and to be told that i don't deserve recognition even as a mother-to-be at 31 weeks pregnant.

    i hate myself :( but i love my baby and i would never do anything to harm him.
     
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    if u feel overwhelmed next time come here and post instead. start a thread in "let it out" and get it all out of your system. much better than cutting or breaking something. let us help.
     
  3. kiasuten

    kiasuten Member

    I'll try to do that. I just hope there isn't a next time.
     
  4. Push

    Push Well-Known Member

    :hug:
     
  5. kiasuten

    kiasuten Member

    Thanks, Push. Sometimes a hug does a lot more than anything else could.

    :hug:
     
  6. kiasuten

    kiasuten Member

    Boyfriend just saw the cuts on my arm. Instead of leading to what I had hoped at the time-- love, attention, affection-- it led to him distancing himself, telling me how disappointed and appalled he is, and how he's lost all trust in me.

    It was a stupid thing I did. He thinks I wasn't in control... I say that I must've been, since I made such shallow cuts and I stayed away from my veins. I just wanted to release some tension, some pain... I didn't cry for 3 days after I did it.

    I regret what I did... I hope I don't ever do it again... but I still don't know what to do in order to get the attention and love from the people around me.

    It's not like I haven't asked for it. I've just been told that my requests are unreasonable.
     
  7. Push

    Push Well-Known Member

    I'm usually in control when I cut too. Maybe you should print some info about self harm and have him read it. Maybe that could help him understand? Most people probably don't understand, I don't understand myself these days why I do it. I hope you don't do it again, it gets to be addictive, then you have to hide parts of your body. I'm constantly limping. I really really hope that you don't do it again. :hug:
     
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