...idk

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by deception, Apr 30, 2007.

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  1. deception

    deception New Member

    I need help. I can not live like this anymore. if i do then i know that i wont wake up one day. I can't help the feelings that I have and I've tried a lot of stuff to get rid of them. It's a deep anguish pain that has settled in my gut and I wish on stars every night that i will not wake up in the morning. I have no one and I think it might be better that way. my mom just thinks that i am just another teen going through teen angst and hopefully this will pass like teen angst but i doubt it, ive been this way since i was 12 and I am now 16. I haven't cut in 2 weeks because of my therapist appointment that I had today. It didn't help, if anything it made me feel more horrible about myself. My therapist just pointed out the things I hated most about myself.

    I hate not having anyone to care for me but maybe it's better because all I know how to do is hurt people.

    I have the biggest urge to just...okay even typing it feels weird. But I just want to cut deep into arm popping my veins and just not wake up tomorrow. It's hard to explain, it's a urge...not a want....an overwhelming urge...a need. It takes up every aspect of life. at least mine.

    it's horrible. But it's the life line to my sad existence. I look at people and see how happy they are and how easy it is for them to be themselves. I try, i try really fucking hard to stand out so that I wont feel alone. I mean I like the way I dress but I do it so that I wont feel alone even if the attention is negative.

    idk, I'm lost,...I feel like since I don't have someone to care me that nothing is worth while. Because that's true. if you dont have someone then youll spend your life being alone and that is not a life at all. If I'm alone then I dont see a point in existence.

    idk.

    Ill leave this at this.
     
  2. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    Welcome to SF!

    I dont want to sound patronising because i'm not being, i'm being truthful from experience, but you are only 16 at the moment. Everything revolves around time and that person is out there for you. But if you try and force it to happen that person isnt going to be right most of the time and you'll get hurt more. I'de say you should think about talking to the people who you know care or would care if they knew exactly what you were going through. It's all about communication and that isnt easy for most people unfortunatly.
    You must tell people exactly how you feel abou things, including the very serious things, or they cant even begin to understand.

    What is more worrying is the obsessions with cutting. I'm no cutter and I dont pretend to know what it feels like but i've talked to countless amounts of cutters in the past. I cut myself once and it just hurt me and I didnt like it and didnt feel the need to do it again.
    That is something you must tell your therapist. Does anyone know that you cut?
    Also, if you've been feeling similar since you were 12 then it has probably effected you growing up a lot and your vision of yourself. That is something i'm no stranger to.
    I recommend you keep talking on here and try and get round to telling people how all this anguish and pain came about. It's so much easier to let it out on here as it's an anonymous forum, not a person looking at you. This could be your first stepping stone.

    Write back soon and take care!

    P.S There is a self harm part of the site that might help you learn methods to stop you from cutting and get you meeting people in the same boat. It's worth a look.
     
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