The last 2-3 years of my life have been indescribably awkward and for a while I told myself things would get better, and I thought they would. Unfortunately, as anyone who has managed to free themselves from the indoctrination of religion will tell you, faith alone will not make you happy. At the time of writing I am 21 and before the gradual decline in my emotional well-being, I was social, popular, extroverted and overall had good friends and was a good friend to many. I played in many bands and loved making music, I enjoyed learning as much about the world around me as I could. Now, I am misanthropic, introverted and have spent at least the last six months sat in my dingy bedroom going days without leaving the house, and with no desire to. My current emotional state is dictated by the events that have occurred in my life over the last few years coupled with a heightened understanding of the world around me. I smoke ridiculous amounts of weed to try and make myself happy, which is expensive and only works for a few hours at a time. Now I wish to set the record straight, all of the negative events I'm referring to were self inflicted as a result of me not being able to control my emotions around other people, primarily my friends. For example, one of my closest friends and one that I miss the most is Robert West. We fell out because I fell in love with him and dealt with it in the most irresponsible of ways. I treated him, his girlfriend and her family awfully in an immature response to the way I was feeling and believe me, not a day has gone by since that I have not dwelled with great regret on this matter. I wish I could treat this case in isolation, but I have fallen for other friends with similar outcomes. I accept this is all entirely my fault and beg for the forgiveness of those affected, despite the fact that I deserve no such privilege. On a more personal level, I have never been happy with my appearance. I started losing my hair during high school, which may seem very trivial but has had a massive effect on my self confidence/esteem and still does. As a bi-sexual male I knew that I would struggle to find a partner looking the way I do as we all know that in the real world, looks are everything and personality is of mediocre importance. I as most people do, would constantly check the attributes of my life in comparison to those around me. I found it intriguing that although the lives of my friends and I were very similar, I never felt happy and that I was always missing out on something. After a while I grew more and more jealous of my remaining friends, the fact they were happy, attractive, confident and whatever they asked for seemed to receive. For example I was always jealous that most of my friends owned cars paid for by their parents, and I wondered why if our upbringings/financial situations were so similar why I didn't have the same privileges. Shit, I mean a formerly good friend of mine was given his mums car, wrote it off driving drunk and was instantly bought a new one. Now I know being jealous over a car seems shallow, because it is, but the freedom that a car gives you was taken for granted. Still to this day, whenever I feel particularly suicidal, going for a drive by myself remains the most therapeutic activity I can engage in. It may sound odd, but it gives a feeling of being in control in exactly the same way as standing on the edge of a tall building contemplating jumping. The difference being I quickly stop feeling suicidal when driving. Now to the present day; I have a mother that means more to me than anyone else on the planet and if it weren't for her, I most definitely would have committed suicide a long while ago. Every time I would go to do it, I couldn't help but think how it would impact on her and this thought alone would prevent me from going further. However, as time goes on the strength of this thought decreases and suicidal thoughts becomes more rational. I now spend a great deal of time on Facebook, observing the lives of the people who were once my friends. It crushes me to read that they are all mostly still together, having a great summer, going to university etc. It crushes me because I know its a social circle I can never again be a part of. It is often said "why would someone prefer the option of suicide to packing their bags and moving far away and starting a fresh", it is because we are our past. We cannot run away from who we are, I agree that suicide does exactly this, however it is a permanent solution that you know will stop you from feeling the way that you do, forever. I am due to re-start full time education in September 2010, a premise I am not looking forward to. I have enrolled on an access course to higher education with a view to studying psychology at degree level (ironic huh?). Although the subject fascinates me, the idea of going back to college does not. I, a 21 year old (who looks atleast 30, and I mean that in a bad way) going back to a 16+ peer orientated environment fills me with horror. Although I'd hoped to have a car on the road by this time which I know would do wonders for my confidence, I don't feel that this is a realistic option given my financial situation. In stark contrast to the above, I often feel disgusted with myself for feeling like this. I am more aware than most that we live in a world where more people live below the poverty line than ever before, slavery is now more common now than any time previously and where around 1% of the population control more than 70% of the worlds wealth, so what right do I have to complain? Simply, I don't. Despite my misanthropic views I am a humanitarian at heart and believe that the only disequilibrium in terms of equality that exists is money. I have learned a great deal over the last couple of years about how the world really works in terms of employment, monetisation, agriculture, conflict etc. Behind our mainstream institutions lies corruption so great and far reaching that most refuse to believe it exists. An easy assumption to make when the majority of the developed world gather their (dis)information from mainstream, profit orientated corporations and only care when the next shiny product from Apple is put on sale. I admit, exposure to such information and knowledge has not made me at all optimistic about the future we are sleepwalking into. In conclusion, I wish to stress how sorry I am to those I have hurt. I know that in reality I do not want to die, I just don't wish to continue the life I have but struggle to see any other option. Three years ago I would never have considered what a devastating effect loneliness can have on the mind. You tell yourself that you don't require the company of others and for some this is true, however in my case I know that I am dependant on others for my psychological wellbeing. Paradoxically, I am hesitant about meeting new people given my past and am sure that I have now lost the social skills I used to take for granted. I don't know what to do, after so long dwelling on it the thought of death no longer scares me, however the thought of dying alone terrifies me.