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If At First You Don't Succeed....

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by shiiki, Apr 20, 2010.

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  1. shiiki

    shiiki Member

    Warnings: Language, Cynical Comments

    So on Friday night, I once again attempted and failed. It's been 6 years since my last attempt, I'm 21, and since last time I survived a lethal dose, I went for something a bit more assuring. I ended up being taken to the hospital at 2:30 in the morning, in an ambulance, in blood stained clothes, where I put up with random people's stares and all-too feigned expressions of kindness; nurses whom would say such remarkably observant statements "Oh dear, that's going to scar horribly", or my personal favorite, "Why do you do this to yourself?" in which case I just stare blankly. What do you even say to that? If I had the energy, I would laugh at their stupidity, but alas I was too drained (literally and mentally) to mutter anything coherent as I drifted in and out of consciousness.

    Despite having hit more than one artery, 'apparently' I didn't need stitches so they wrapped my arms up in gauze and sent me off to "sleep it off".

    Dealing with the aftermath is always fun;

    being grilled by some incompetent social worker, who's watched One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest all too much, talking to me like I'm mentally impaired. Though I do have to admit I DID derive immense pleasure in finding logical falsities to annoy her with. I am probably too jaded to care that I am only further perpetuating society's notions of immorality; Though I suppose harassing some dimwit social worker about correct morality while I am sitting in a hospital with a fucked up arm is a little too much.

    And now I have to deal with several meeting with various people in charge at my college to assess "If I am going to do it again" in which case I muster up all my prowess of intellectual bullshit, and horribly faux (though not to them) revelations to appear as stable as one in my case can realistically appear to be. Is it just me, or is it all too easy to fool people nowadays?
    The pleasant tasks of hiding/cleaning all evidence of my attempt in my room (ruined some of my favorite clothes /pissed off)

    So right now I'm just looking at the f'd up life I wish I'd left behind, and wondering why in the name of Hell, I've survived two, truly, lethal attempts when technically I should have died the first time. At least in death I wouldn't have to watch myself slowly withering away, as day after day life slowly eats away at me. The longer I live, the more dead I feel inside. I'm just wondering why I can't get this one thing to go right, instead of screwing everything up once again but I guess like they say; If At First You Don't Succeed, Try Try Again..

    With life, unfortunately, still going on for me I guess it's back to social stigmas attached to being Transsexual; The all too wonderful glares and comments, laughter and ridicule. All the lovely little things that drive you down the road of insanity. My family is more or less of the opinion that any sight of me is too much, so they've shipped me off far away which is perfectly fine for me. The further away from them I am the better. But it means no financial support, which can be pretty tricky.

    I'm pretty antisocial if you couldn't already tell, which makes being self-reliant pretty vital. As with that on top of being Trans, people never want anything to do with me.

    Not really sure what I expect from posting this here but I suppose letting it out will help. Maybe.. Duno... And if it doesn't, well there are always other options. Maybe I'll do it right.
  2. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    Welcome to the forum. I'm glad your still with us. Have you not got any support groups for being Trans? Anyone you can turn to? You dont have to end your life. We're here for you. :hug:
  3. F_Immunized_7

    F_Immunized_7 Active Member

    My motto
    If At First You Don't Succeed....
  4. ballinluig

    ballinluig Well-Known Member

    it shouldnt matter what you look like its whats in your heart that counts. my family go and on because Im on the large size. i dont care, i am what i am and if they dont like it- f**k them.

    Im so sorry that your not getting any support, but im glad your still with us. we all deserve to be on this planet.

    take care, donnax:smile:
  5. shiiki

    shiiki Member

    There are none here that are within driving distance. The only friends I have that I can actually talk to are one's I've met online.

    Today I ended up spending a fair amount of money on medical supplies (Kinda hypocritical considering I'm still thinking and wanting to do it again but I suppose it's a great idea to be bleeding through any more clothes. That'll just get me more negative attention) but looking at my heavily bruised and still bleeding arm just makes me want to go ahead with it even more. I'm just so tired of everything; of life, of people, of putting up with the bullshit that I do.

    I've felt this way for around a decade, and the feeling never once goes away. Sometimes It'll dull a bit so instead of just wanting to die, I'll feel empty. And lost. It's all just so monotonous. Pain is pain, and so long as I am alive I'll feel it. I'll end up losing the few things that are important to me, and I'll have to watch as society and the world descend into even more chaos. Why bother with it at all when with just a simple cut, everything for me would end.

    Death to me is complete oblivion: I don't want any part of me living on. To even exist. If I could, I would have it so I was never born to begin with but since that's not an option death is the next best thing. To erase everything that I am now.
  6. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    great advice there....
    mine is ....
    if at first you don't succeed...take the hint....you weren't meant to die..
    are you on meds?..seeing a councelor..psychiatrist?
    have you thought about the people you will leave behind with the pain of losing you??
    sorry for all the questions....we are here for you and you don't have to take your life.....gotta try to get better....please
  7. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am also glad you decided to post...I know this is not high philosophy, but you are who you are and I am sure there are many ppl who will accept that...and after 2 attempts, maybe it is time to try to live...not presenting a facade with therapist/s and finding your worth...your writing is so skillful, your humor quite rich, so I am sure there is much about you that is worthy...please PM me if I can be there for you...big hugs, J
  8. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF. Your newest option is to hang out here with us. You can talk to us and we can talk to you. Please post when you get stressed out or feeling bad. That is the only way we can know when each other is not doing well. :hug:
  9. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Well posting my thoughts about stuff always helps me out.
  10. shamps

    shamps Well-Known Member

    We all wish at some point that we could rewind time but you're here now and you sound like a lovely person....dont listen to anybody who says otherwise:hugtackles:
  11. F_Immunized_7

    F_Immunized_7 Active Member

    true if you can write so skillfully that means you are great man, screw ur sadness get on with life...

    There's more to problems than more problems
    * What i am trying to say is dont create more problems with your current set of problems .


    I agree with you too.. Just writing down here can help me sort my mind out a bit .... I wish I can give all you guys who survived a pat on the back... Nobody ever gave me a pat on my back except for my parents who were there for me at the time of need .
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