If every instinct you have is wrong, than the opposite would have to be right.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Eoghan, Dec 16, 2014.

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  1. Eoghan

    Eoghan Member

    I have never been a suicidal person, In fact the idea of being a grey haired old geezer shaking my cane at kids and yelling at them to get off my lawn really appeals to me. I certainly have dabbled in dark thoughts, I think not dabbling in dark thoughts shows a lack of imagination, however suicide has never appealed to me.

    Unfortunately, I have had to re-evaluate my stance. A recent episode almost led to me getting a good friend of mine hurt (I suffer from Schizoaffective, or some similar diagnosis).

    Right now I am fine and no danger to anyone, however that could change with literally no warning. I also appear too non-threatening to be held in a psychiatric hospital for as long as I actually need. This past time I was released completely psychotic and stayed that way for almost three months.

    This may be entirely the wrong place to post this; but I'm considering finding the off ramp while I am mentally competent to do that, and before I accidentally hurt anyone else.

    This is way less verbose than I intended, but I found I have a hard time discussing this kind of subject (go figure) :lol:
  2. Husky

    Husky Well-Known Member

    Hi Eoghan, Thank you for your message. I think you are thinking unselfishly because you want to ensure that those people around aren't hurt if you abruptly change in mood. I appreciate that this is noble. However, if you were to veer down the off ramp, it won't just be your vehicle which will crash. There will be your family who will be affected and your friends who will be impacted as well. The fact that you're selflessly thinking of them in this regards indicates to me that they mean something to you and you mean something to them. It sounds like they would be very sad if anything happened to you.

    I would encourage you to seek medical help and keep reaching out to those around you and on here if need be. You seem like a very caring and thoughtful person who deserves to be well and happy. Husky
  3. Eoghan

    Eoghan Member

    Of course your right, I suppose I was looking for justification of something I knew was wrong but desperately wish could be the right answer.

    I guess I am stuck living every day in fear; not certain whether I will wake up as the mild mannered guy with a quirky sense of humour, or the rabid beast barely aware it is human.

    Mood disorder is such a silly term for what I have, makes it sound like I just suffer from occassional bad moods. I wish that were the case.
  4. Husky

    Husky Well-Known Member

    Hi Eoghan, Thank you for your message. It's great that you can see your situation objectively in terms of knowing that the right answer is not giving up. You seem like a really fantastic guy as well with a courteous manner and a sharp wit. It's hard to imagine you as a beast at all. I always thought schizoaffective disorder can be characterised by inconsistency in moods. However, I agree with you. Sticking names like schizoaffective disorder and mood disorder on a person is like labelling a product in the supermarket with a price gun. I think it's important to see the person and understand the person and not be unsighted by the triviality in the classification.

    It's not unreasonable to try and find a justification for what you're experiencing. You mentioned that you're sometimes pleasant and then feel like a beast in the morning. Is there anything which contributes to you feeling like this? I mean, are things going well or bad before this happens? Also, have you found anything which has helped you quash this transformation? Maybe speaking with a friend or family member or some form of distraction like a book, computer game or exercise?

    I hope that you're having a great day and take care of yourself. Husky
  5. Eoghan

    Eoghan Member

    It's not a feeling, thats why I scoff at the term "mood disorder" it has very little to do with moods, and it kind of has to be experienced to even be believed.

    This has only happened twice, in aproximately eight years, but when I am (as they term) psychotic I literally am a beast in human form. My behaviors mirror that of a scared wild animal, and my intelligence is only useful in crude attempts to get people away from me or to leave me alone. Literally fight or flight responses are all I'm really capable of at those times, and what I'm afraid of isn't precisely clear (or more to the point, greatly malleable).

    It's fairly difficult to explain exactly what it is. They diagnosed me as Schizoaffective essentially because the medication for that is what seems to work to bring me back down.

    Schizoaffective is essentially a combination of Bi-Polar disorder and Schizophrenia, neither of those really characterize what I go through. I don't have great highs, or deep depressions, and while I do at times hear voices and hallucinate I don't have those symptoms frequently enough to be Schizophrenic. My latest doctor changed my diagnose to Psychotic Disorder NOS (Not otherwise specified). Essentially he thinks there isn't enough information yet to make a clear diagnosis.

    Theres no real warning for when this will happen either; I suppose I could if I really analyzed them after the fact find signs that I should have paid attention too (very weird dreams, difficulty getting to sleep, and unusual stressors). However, in a normal life those signs come up often with no adverse result.

    While those normal activities help after the fact, theres really no way (to my knowledge) to stop it from happening ahead of time.

    As such, I'll always live in fear of transforming into something that terrifies me. I'm really uncertain how one is supposed to live with that.
  6. Husky

    Husky Well-Known Member

    Hi Eoghan, Thank you for your message and for your detailed explanation about what has been happening. You explained it very well too because it is almost unexplainable in a sense as you said. This meaning it’s something which has to be experienced.

    It’s good that you can implement a fight or flight strategy and it shows me you may have some control. If you can do one or the other it is a good sign and means you can use positive energy rather than just freeze like a deer in the headlights.

    I know it’s hard because this can easily come on at any time. However, maybe if you keep a record of some key points of your day before you go to sleep. I’m thinking maybe a very brief or long diary if you wish which will record potential stressors the night before.

    When you transform, it must be scary and I appreciate that. Does anything happen to you physically? Does your face become red or do you speak differently? How do people view you as a threat? Do your eating and sleeping patterns change? How long does this last for?

    I’m sorry for what you’re going through as it must be difficult. Take care. Husky
  7. Eoghan

    Eoghan Member

    Control doesn't exist, when I am in that state. The fight or flight mechanism is just animalistic instinct, and thats why I am so afraid of it. I could easily accidentally hurt someone in that state, my only hope is that I can manage to get locked up or take myself out of commission before someone else gets hurt.

    Also, theres no real warning, as it's never triggered by exactly the same thing. I could one momment be having a great time socializing with friends, and than in the next instant I've snapped and I am no longer myself. A diary may help analyze it after the fact, but at that time it may be too late.

    No physical changes either, my friend said this last time that I seemed like I was trying to act scary but was acting so poorly he didn't believe it. Little did he know it wasn't an act.

    This last time it lasted in some form for three months, the time before it was about the same. I gain a little control after some time, generally I am only completely out of control for a couple of days. Those couple of days though, are what I am afraid of.

    If I could figure out a way to do it, I would get myself locked up permanently so I couldn't be a danger to anyone, but thats rather difficult to do.
  8. Husky

    Husky Well-Known Member

    Hi Eoghan, Thank you for your message. I think the diary is a good move and even if it doesn’t help at that particular time, it may help for the next time if you can identify some potential causes or stressors.

    I think the main aims are to either prevent this from happening or to gain better control. In order to do this though, we need to find out why this is happening. I’m not trying to be comical here but are you a spiritual person? Also, we need to find out if it’s mentally or physically related if this is not the case.

    You mentioned that it can last for three months but the worst part is a couple of days. You also explained that your friend was in the vicinity of one episode. Did your friend notice anything different? If you feel comfortable with this, would you like to tell me what you remembered happened? How did the episode end after three months? For example, did you just snap out of it? Take care. Husky
  9. Husky

    Husky Well-Known Member

    Hi Eoghan, I hope that you're having a great day. Please take of yourself. Husky
  10. Eoghan

    Eoghan Member

    My friend thought everything was normal until I said something to him that was obviously insane. It spiraled out of control after that, as he tryed to argue me down and calm me down I just assumed the plot was larger, and he wasn't aware of it's extent.

    I am not spiritual, but I was raised in spiritual household so that certainly becomes a part of it as my delusions get greater (not saying spirituality is a delusion, but when combined with a delusional mind it's a recipe for things getting "interesting")

    I wish there was an easy answer to why it happens, but if my many psychiatrists haven't found a reason than I don't think we are going to discover why here. The reality is just about anything can be a catalyst and it just needs a properly weakened mind to explode. I am very careful about sleep, diet, and keeping myself healthy and entertained. Even keeping those in mind, I expect episodes will get more frequent and worse as time goes on.

    Actually to be honest, the episode never really ended. It just became less severe, and I lost interest in paying attention to the symptoms. Or to put another way, it became easier for me to dismiss what isn't real. Lets hope I am dismissing the right things hehe

    Take care of yourself as well.
  11. Husky

    Husky Well-Known Member

    Hi Eoghan, Thank you for your message. This must be a very frustrating and frightening experience for you. You mentioned that your friend thought everything was normal and then you said something which changed the scenario to abnormal. It’s interesting because your friend noticed this in speech but not necessarily in appearance straight away.

    Yes, spirituality can really add spice to feelings and thoughts when the mind is indifferent. Sometimes though, it can be the light to get you out of the darkness too. Have you tried Cognitive Behavioural Therapy? This can be done with a counsellor and may help you change your thinking habits and may help with this behaviour.

    The fact that this episode has become less severe, means things can get better. This is a really optimistic sign I think anyway.

    Take care and I hope that you have a great day and night. Husky
  12. Eoghan

    Eoghan Member

    I wish I held your optimism, unfortunately I've done quite a bit of research and unless there are drastic advances in mental health medicine, this is the best things will ever be. Which granted, if I stayed at this level that would be perfectly fine, but all evidence suggests that things are likely to deteriorate over time. Medication, CBT, and all the other current treatments used, just delay the inevitable.

    I think three more good years is about all I can expect, and that might be overly optimistic. I certainly intend to enjoy (as much as I can), the years that I have left. I also am going to plan for the worst if things starting heading south again. I just hope I get some sort of warning the next time.
  13. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, Eoghan. Sounds like those episodes are tough times. :hug:

    I can see how it could be a little strange to worry over every dream or sleepless night. Those do happen to everyone and usually without any adverse results.

    Perhaps it's more to do with whether or not there is a pattern of "warning signs" for you. Do those things happen to you on a fairly regular basis without becoming an episode? Is there any content that runs in your dreams before an episode? Has there been extra stress from work/family/friends before an episode?

    Sometimes being really aware seems like we're looking for trouble or making mountains out of molehills. Maybe if we can figure out what is just "common" and what is truly "a warning sign", we can can talk to the doctor sooner and maybe head things off before an episode takes hold. (Just my two cents. *shrugs*)

    Hope things settle quickly for you. :hug:
  14. Eoghan

    Eoghan Member

    Thats the trouble Acy, so far there is no pattern. Yes often stress is involved, but not stress that I can't handle normally.

    My dreams are always weird, I actually love my weird dreams and intend to write a few into short stories/novels.

    The odd thing is my two major breakdowns happened when things looked like they were going to get particularly good. The first time I got a job that I was finally actually proud of. This time I was working out, paying down debts, and looked like I was going to get a job at the #1 rated hotel in my town.

    So possibly the pattern is things looking up... maybe I should be extra vigilant when I'm getting close to good things.
  15. Husky

    Husky Well-Known Member

    Hi Eoghan, Thank you for your message and I just thought I'd check in to see that you're ok. You raise an interesting point about things going well and then suddenly changing. I recall watching a documentary on Daniel Johnston who is an American musician. He is quite talented in my opinion and is highly thought of by some prominent artists. Anyway, he has an ongoing struggle with manic depression and someone mentioned in the documentary that when things were going well that you knew things were going to get bad with him.

    I'd still encourage you to keep a record of things to see if there are any triggers and like Acy said, to see if there are any warning signs. In any case, I hope that things are better for you and that you're ok. Husky
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 29, 2014
  16. Eoghan

    Eoghan Member

    I am as good as can be expected.

    Yes, that is similar to me, there is always that sense of doom looming in the near future. If things are good I am simply waiting for the inevitable shoe to drop.

    I am not sure I mentioned it, but I wasn't considering suicide due to depression or feeling bad right now. I am simply considering if it's prudent to consider it as it is much preferable to accidentally hurting someone if I should lose it in an epic fashion again.
  17. Husky

    Husky Well-Known Member

    Hi Eoghan, I'm sorry for the late reply and I hope that you're ok. When the life of someone ends, the pain in another person's life begins. Yes, you may accidentally hurt someone and I'm sure everybody like myself has done this. However, if you go through with it, you'll be hurting so many people anyway. People would rather be there for you and help you work through difficulties than not have the opportunity to do so and ponder what they did or didn't do for the rest of their lives.

    I'm sorry because my intention is not to make you feel guilty. I just want you to know that your life is valued and people do care about you. Take care and I hope that you have a great day and night. Husky
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 8, 2015
  18. turryburry

    turryburry Well-Known Member

    I've been through a psychotic episode that lasted for 3 years. I started a new job during that time (quit it too!) and that's when my brain really began going downhill. I'm on medication now, was on a very high dose and have been able to (under dr supervision) lower enough that the side effects are mainly gone. I understand what you mean when you say it happens when things are good. I don't think that's any different than an alcoholic who relapses when life is good as opposed to crappy. Good times bring stressors of their own.

    One of my reasons is monetary--saving my family from worrying about my future. (If I die before my dad then his money will go to my sibs) BUT that's not the only reason. I don't think not wanting to physically hurt someone is a good enough reason to end your own life. IMHO. I'm not judging--I'm just asking you to re-examine your reasons and list some others. Does your brain work different now? Are you dumber? I am. That's why I'm asking.

    I think if you take your meds as directed you won't have to worry about hurting someone else. Insight is your best tool. If you find yourself getting really mad--leave.
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