I feel so angry and frustrated with myself. I have a good life. I'm smart, good grades, athletic, I have good friends, I'm well liked, I have a relatively good family, I haven't had too much trauma...I have a GOOD life. Yet, I can't stand that my father is an alcoholic (even though he's not abusive and it really doesn't effect me at all.) that my mother is manipulative and stresses out my dad to make him into a jerk and she puts me down all the time and it's obvious that we are two conflicting people and I'm not the daughter she wishes to have, that my sister has been through a terrible childhood and it doesn't effect her and she just worries about me and my tiny problems and that my other sister is pregnant and just got married to a bum who I really don't like and she will most likely just be used or end up in a divorce.
I just want to be happy, not even. Just content. I want to know that things will be okay but I'm constantly depressed. I cry and breakdown, hallucinate and feel borderline suicidal all the time. The times that I do fall into a suicidal phase scare me so very much. I'm so scared of myself and the rest of my life. But I'm scared of death, too. I recently got attached to my best friend who has been there through every anxiety attack and he answered his phone every phone break while I was admitted into mental health and he also happens to be that guy that I'm just falling for and he doesn't feel the same way.
I hate myself for every little thing I do: I hate myself for falling for a guy again, for not being able to tolerate my family, for doing drugs and drinking excessively alone, for losing some of my friends' trust, for being depressed over nothing, for hating the world because of my parents when it could be worse, for not being able to help others anymore, and for being upset about all this!
I feel like I'm in this vicious cycle, people tell me things will get better...but I'm scared I won't be able to handle everything until then.
I just want to be happy, not even. Just content. I want to know that things will be okay but I'm constantly depressed. I cry and breakdown, hallucinate and feel borderline suicidal all the time. The times that I do fall into a suicidal phase scare me so very much. I'm so scared of myself and the rest of my life. But I'm scared of death, too. I recently got attached to my best friend who has been there through every anxiety attack and he answered his phone every phone break while I was admitted into mental health and he also happens to be that guy that I'm just falling for and he doesn't feel the same way.
I hate myself for every little thing I do: I hate myself for falling for a guy again, for not being able to tolerate my family, for doing drugs and drinking excessively alone, for losing some of my friends' trust, for being depressed over nothing, for hating the world because of my parents when it could be worse, for not being able to help others anymore, and for being upset about all this!
I feel like I'm in this vicious cycle, people tell me things will get better...but I'm scared I won't be able to handle everything until then.