If I decided to live

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by bel, Jun 14, 2013.

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  1. bel

    bel New Member

    Like many here, I am suicidal, have a plan in place, but am scared it could go wrong. (I once knew a young man, barely out of his teens, who spent his life since paralysed from the neck down :( )

    I don't know if that fear will stop me in the end. Like many here, I long for death in the way most people long for new cars, shoes, whatever.

    But I'm wondering, what if I decided to live? What could I do? My life has too many problems, most of which i lack the resources to solve. I have no close friends. And it all just seems pointless and meaningless. Actually, I could possibly put up with the lack of meaning (just about) if it weren't for the misery caused by circumstances beyond my control; and the self-hatred.

    I've been looking at Existentialism, and it has some interesting ideas. (And some naff ones too!). But I just don't get how we are supposed to create meaning.

    But say I chose to go on and find a way, what could I do? I am sick to death (haha) of hearing about mindfulness and acceptance; truly I will scream if I hear about those again!

    But where could I begin to make life over, given I feel it's not worth it, and given i will still be me whatever i do?

    I'm not asking for a magical answer. I know those don't exist. But seriously, where could I begin if I chose to?
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 18, 2013
  2. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    To address just one of the issues you raise; I do sympathise with your feelings re mindfulness. This and therapies like CBT are currently 'flavour of the month' which makes it difficult if they aren't helpful. There are other therapies, self help groups etc that are different. Finding help and support that suits you is crucial. Good luck, Theo.
  3. bel

    bel New Member

    Thank you for the good luck wishes, Theo.

    Mindfulness and CBT are pretty-much all that's offered here, sadly. (And many other places too, I'm sure.) How much further will it invade everything, do you think? "I'm sorry your dry-cleaning isn't ready for collection, Madam, but please accept this leaflet on mindfulness, with our compliments." (I don't know whether to put a laughing smilie or a crying smilie at the end of that.)
  4. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    When I had my last attempt, I realized how much my family was devastated and my neighbors and friends were all frightened for me. To know that I meant so much to them has made me think twice as I want to contemplate another one. It's good to have people, no matter who, that really hope you will make it. Please think about the others that are affected and know that you are still loved. Hang in there!
  5. Jackie's Strength

    Jackie's Strength Staff Alumni

    First of all, I want to say that I can really relate - I too am deciding whether to live or die, and ultimately just wish I wasn't me. I most definitely struggle with self-hatred and also have no close friends or connections, really. If you are to continue living, yes, I think there is an element of acceptance - accepting that there are some things about yourself and your life you cannot change. At the same time, to move forward, you must acknowledge the things you can change, focus on those aspects of your life, and be persistent and determined in altering them. Accept the things you have no control or power over but refuse to accept realities you can change! Get angry - in a productive way. Take a part of your life you're unhappy with - such as having no close friends - and start taking small steps to change it. It will inevitably take time, but eventually your life will seem fuller and more meaningful. You just have to stick with it and refuse to give up. Best of luck to us!
  6. Helpme6

    Helpme6 New Member

    If you don't like your life how it is, make a dramatic change in it. Change schools, move away (depending on how old you are), or do something, that might make life a bit easier, and more worth living.
  7. bel

    bel New Member

    Thanks for your thoughts, everyone. Take Care.
  8. fallenangel

    fallenangel Member

    Amen to the thoughts that you want to live my friend.
    I just want you to know that life in itself is a precious gift, and let us not give it up so easily...
    There is a really strong battlefield going on here with life and death, and you are indeed the prize for both sides...
    Therefore why give in to depression and suicide, when life in itself has more to offer.

    We may all have our lows... And what doesn't break us make us stronger.

    In fact, many self made success stories comes from individuals who have struggled much in their earlier years... We never know what the future is like if we make a serious irreversible mistake...

    Hence I really want to encourage you to look forth and be strong!

    Seek professional help if needed. Medications might help if you seek proper help, and be open to treatments... CBT will be really effective too..
  9. bel

    bel New Member

    Thank you for your thoughts and taking the trouble to share them.

    I don't think I can agree that life is always a precious gift. It is to some, without doubt. But not to all. Not to me; and not to some here either :(

    I also can't agree that we are made stronger by what doesn't break us. My experience is that I am weaker, less whole because of things which didn't break me.

    And I have found CBT to be simplistic and useless.

    Those are just my thoughts and experiences. But thank you for your thoughts, fallenangel :)
  10. NottiShark

    NottiShark Member

    I'm really sorry to hear your struggling bel! I can totally relate cos I'd been in suicidal state for 6months (and I dont mean sucidal thoughts - I have them for most of my life probably but actual state that you are sure I'll have to do it - sooner or later). But one day I just felt like I came out of my head. I started to see all my thoughts flow from 3rd person view. And all of those suicidal thoughts all of the sudden became ... funny? And I mean not only suicidal thoughts but all other thoughts driven by my OCD and depression. And since that day (and it was exactly 4months ago - 20th of Feb 2013) I feel like I'm getting better every week ! And sometimes I do feel so much inner peace and sort of weird happiness that I never felt before even tho I still have a lot of troubles to handle. Later on I came across fascinating book 'Out of the darkness' by Steve Taylor which describes similar to mine ppl experiences. Anyway, bottom line is: sometimes when we reached our darker hour and bravely survived it we might find freedom we never had before! Hehe, I know it all sounds like from some cheeky self-help website or antisuicide leaflet but that was simply what happened to me. So maybe fight for a little longer and see what is just around the corner for you ? If have any questions feel free to ask !
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