If I die at least I will have rest

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LilithsGhost, Feb 27, 2011.

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  1. LilithsGhost

    LilithsGhost Member

    I don't like that he markets me to his friends as a burden and someone undeserving of his attention- a nuance at best and someone unsympathetic to his wants and needs. Only to turn around and smile in my face and tell me how lovely he thinks I am and what such a warm beautiful person I am deserving of love; and other bs of talk about how good hearted I am and that I don't stress him out and that I enrich his life and he is happy am around and has missed me when I was gone.

    It can't be both but yet both of his personalities have spoken- very contradicting relavaltions about the same person! I have seen and obtain some of the proof of his two-faced dishonest slanderous behavior. Yet being armed with all the proof in the world and even being in a moment when he has done something rude or said something verbally abusive- he will lash out in a rage uncontrollable at you for daring to question anything he does no matter how horrible hurtful and mean the nature there of.

    I mean if your with him he does no wrong while doing wrong all day. For lack of better words. I am very scared of him and what he will do to me esp if I leave again. He is not right in the head. There is something deeply interstice on a chemical level that is not functioning right. Its almost like he doesn't even have a conisous he just fakes one when he needs to and fakes emotionals/ emotional response when he needs to. I have seen it and experienced it. There is such a coldness to his eyes and stares when he thinks my back is turned that caused me to me to be starled and fearful of what is going on in his head in general and the negative emotions attached to me.


    I have left him a few times and confronted him on lies and cheating he has put me through. He has expressed that while he will not admit to being anything less than a saint he is deeply and gravely offend at the fact I "stood up" to him ( but of course in his mind it wasn't me standing up to him but me being "mean" and 'abusive" to him. Which is at most laughable being all I did in a respectful way ( not like his communication skills of yelling and scracsim and intimdataing )is expressed my desire for honesty , mutaly respect like I show him in the relationship and express how hurt I felt at the stuff he did/does that is inconsiderate for my feelings emotions and needs.

    But to him a cry for help for him to really think about how his behavior is negvatily effecting people in his life is the same to him as a full assault attack that sends him into a state of mind that is to be feared and loathed. For after the this grown man-temper tantrum of full out burst of anger will come more resentment and a intesttity to the environment he tries to hide with ingeuine smiles and sweet flatering words and gestures that are FAKED so BADLY you can tell of the contrary emotions he is hiding underneath. Sometimes he SNARES his face at me when he thinks am sleeping or if I turn my head to look at something then turn back around I have caught him doing this.

    OR…….

    When he says I love you in his cold emotionless voice then raises the side of his lips up like a yeah right kinda of look OR he will roll his eyes RIGHT IN FRONT of me. So its like he is not even trying to be convincing. His heart is so cold towards me. But I am not the one disturbed one I know I haven't done anything wrong to him to deserve the way he has treated me. He in general I have come to find out has a lot of unfounded anger that flares up and mood swings that you just don't know where its coming from you just know its there in him.

    I want to leave but am so intimidated by him I feel like am kinda a prisoner. I want to leave and start my life over without him in it. I want to forget we ever meant and not have to live in fear of him.There is the spoken intimdatedation and this unspoken type that is kinda a passive aggressive in so many words "you better read between the lines" type of interaction between us. Leaving me in shock and fear and mourning the life I had before we meant though imperfect at least I had my freedom and was safe and could sleep at night without waking up to this insomniac mad dogging me.

    I mean can you imagine waking up to some over drugged ( on prescription meeds he takes more than he is suppose to esp thanks to a friend who works as a pharmistist ), insomniac who is meatlly imbalanced who has hate and rage for you staring at you with a menacing look on his staring right at you like you just did something to piss him off but you have been asleep….?

    I am too young for this, I just want to go to sleep without fear and wake up knowing this psyhco doesn't know where I am and never will. It feels like he thinks of me as a dog or his property that he gets to be abusive to while at the saem time use me as a scapegoat to get attention and sympathy from other people who only know his version of what happens in our relationship. His friends dislike me and think am a bad person who has been mean and abusive to HIM because of the manipulation and lies he uses even on his own friends… Jus to ilicte attention and I think puckish me for standing up to him in private. So not only does he not have to own up to anything and he gets to belittle me ect he also gets to slander me and ruin my reputation in the light of others. So its like am being tripled punished and all I wanted to do was confront his abusive inarprotet behavior in hopes we could save this relationship. But I wish I would have seen it a lot sooner that this was never a relationship it was a love hate thing within himself that got unleashed on me. To make him feel in control he has to dominate everything in his life including me. By dominate I mean take advagte of abuse mistreat manipulate and ect and push up until you are physically sick from all the mental emotional strain on your life and body and THEN he wants you to TAKE IT no mouth no talking back no defending yourself no tears, no calling your master the punisher mean or say he has done anything wrong because to him YOU desire to be treated that way and your gonna take with a closed mouth and in so doing bow down to him leaving him feeling like he has made you his bitch. And any time he has a bad day its back to dominatation humiliation any thing that twist his fancy and you better not speak up confront him about it. He could go onion tell other women what he wanted to do to them sexually and set up flings but I couldn't question him on it because 1) WITH THE EMAILS ON SCREEN He didn't do anything 2) Now I am once again being mean to him 3) He can do whatever he wants even cheat on you even though he has said he loved you and wanted a monogamous relationship with you.

    This reminds me of my relationship/interactions with my birth family. It was a very dominating abusive horrific environment world for such a young innocent little being to be born into and have to experience and try to make sense of. I just want all this to be over.


    It was become increasingly clear the deep resentment and unbridled displeasure he feel towards me for simply defending myself against a cold inconsiderate often abusive manipulative dominating control freak behaviors I experienced whenever we where in a relationship together as we are now.

    He is such a lying deceiving manipulative mean cold unhappy scary bastard. I don't want to feel like I have to run and hide away from him because he intimidates me and is hell bent on making me suffer for resisting his abusive manipulative behavior towards me since we've been together. He is a man of wealth( he has more than one lawyer) and never has to work another day in his life because of the "old money" his parents left him as a inheritance. Which he lies about and says he made it in the entertainment industry.

    He is so fortunate to be able to wake up everyday and not have to worry about a job or money. His parents have taken care of this by spoiling him and making sure he stay this way after there deaths. All they did was give more power to a undeniable twisted meanttly imbalanced man. now a man with great wealth he can use to intimade and lord other other people who make him mad as weapon he can threaten them with. His anger and intimidation his stustuas and money and insufferable anger that he has with anyone who tries to stand up to him or defend themselves against his inaprotiate behaviors.

    So where do I run where do I hide when I can will I be able to feel safe free in my skin in my life. I feel like by crediting I have buried myself so deep I can't turn back around now. I recently went through a very traumatic oral durning outlast break up and he was so supportive after it happened I though he had soften and maybe sown his wild oats but it was all just a miserable act and I am such a ridculaious dumby to have fallen for the bait. To my defense I had gone through a very traumatic event and was a mess emotionally.

    That is neither her not there but what do I do now.He has lived in this state his whole life. Staying in this state is not a option by any means ways thought in mind. He has many friends in high places who are older than me. In short he has strong holds in this state. He can be a very very- very charming charismatic man human being but its only a act. He has like split personalities. You never know which he is morphing into or what you did or what the hell is going on. You just have to live through it and hope to get far away. BUT I SWEAR this time is different. There is something not right something wrong. He is acting really werid and grinning all the time. I overheard a few phone conversation with his morally deprived friend( who already got in trouble once for selling drugs to a undercover cop. Casing him to lose his job as a pharmacists but got off easy because of guess who;s 3 lawyers …? Yup you my boyfriend. So needless to say he has expressed he doesn't like me or is it that right now my boyfriend is sending them a check each month to help him and his wife and kids pay off there debt to keep there house…so he doesn't want to bite the hand that has been feeding his grown 49 year ass for how many years ?) He was very maenad and rude to me on the phone and it was unwarrenety he doesn't even know me and had a mind to lay a verbal assault on me on the phone because of "what I put his friend through" loll. Like he would know when him and his wife take my boyfriend's money and half of the time ignore him unless they want something ( a favor money ) . So I have to deal with him and his friends who back and just go along with whatever he says. I can already see how this would play out in court. I would be double teamed.

    So DO I stay or go how do I do this. I can't even get into a shelter in the area I have been calling they are full and even if they weren't am not going to be living on the edge of my nerves by staying in a state where he has so much history and knows os many people who would figth his cause without question information. He has loyalty most of itbought ( even out of his own mouth he said with hos friends it always money but there his friends ). So most these people he has done favors for. My boyfriend even has money in unmarked accounts that the government doesn't know about. Myabe he has told me too much. I hope he thinks of this before trying to harass me if I go. He has done many things that lead me to think what I think and i know he can back it up. He is always making these "read between the lines " sarcastic" werid comments to me. So I can't tell if he is just trying to intimidate me or if he is really going to mess with me if I stand up to him again and leave him. Please help me if you can anyone someone.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Yes, when you can, you should leave...speak to a domestic abuse professional how to best do this and to keep you safe...sorry I cannot offer more, but you have my caring and I will be thinking and praying (sort of spiritual requests more than prayers) about you...J
     
  3. LilithsGhost

    LilithsGhost Member

    Thank you for taking the time to stop by and share the warmth from your soul. I am bidding my time and trying to not have a nervous break down in the mean time. I can't sleep HE FREAKS me out way to much at this point. I can only plan and wait. But it is nerve wrecking. it feels like if I stay up I am being proactive because am giving attention to it. If I sleep it will feel like anxiety because this situation is so uncomfortable that it feels like I can't afford to sleep and even if I could I am afraid of him. He ia always acting so weird. Thank you for your support durning this tumultuous time.

    :turtle:
     
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