if i die tonight. these feelings will die too.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by red.stitches, Sep 7, 2008.

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  1. red.stitches

    red.stitches Member

    I'm so scared of myself.
    one part of me thinks i can be happy one day and normal.

    the other part.......the other part tells me i'm fat, repulsive, ugly, worthless and pointless.

    i am so close to taking an overdose or cutting my wrists.

    i can't see myself ever being happy.
    i thought i'd be happy in a relationship, because i thought if someone loved me, i would be ok.

    but i know he's just using me for sex. he doesn't care about my feelings. i'm repulsive. why would someone care about me?!

    if i died tonight. these feelings will die too. and maybe i'll be happy.

    i stuck a razor in my mouth last night. to try and stop me eating.
    it didnt work, i just bled alot.

    do you know what was really a kick in the teeth? going to a psychologist and telling her how i felt. and her cancelling all my appointments and never getting back in touch.
    and my mom getting over the fact i just let home by going on holiday with someone elses kids. even though shes NEVER offered to go on holiday with me.

    i just...i just need this to end. this fight in my head.
  2. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    Please talk about this fight in your head. It sounds as though you are struggling with a number of conflicting thoughts and feelings right now. Have you talked to your partner about how you feel or is this not an option? I know you said you felt used by him, how long have you been feeling this way? You seem to have a very low opinion of your self.

    Did something happen tonight to bring you here to the forum?

  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Red,
    Try giving a therapist a go. They usually can help you to learn to cope with your thoughts. My new doctor changed my meds and I told my therapist about the side effects and she was pissed. She wants me to tell the doctor to put me back on my old meds. I don't know how to tell her that they weren't working anymore. Well at least half of them didn't help!! I have three meds that help!! I made a earlier appt. to see him about putting me on something else.
    You obviously have people who care about you!! try to build on there strength. At least for a little while, keep searching your thoughts to find out when you were last happy with life!! Use those thoughts to help turn you away from the negative thoughts.
    I know you have at least a few members here who want you to keep on fighting.. It takes a little time to get more posts to you. Don't give up. I don't know you but I care what happens to you!! I hate hearing about clients who gave up. I sound like a hyprocat because I am battling suicide my self right now. I won't tell you it is easy because it's not. You have to put in a lot of effort to get a stable environment you can live with!!Take Care..:chopper:..
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi red.stitches. Sorry to hear that you're having such a hard time right now. Don't listen to the part of you that tells you that you're a 'fat, repulsive, ugly, worthless and pointless.' It just isn't true. I'm sure that you're a really nice person. Please don't overdose on pills or cut your wrists. You will just be in more pain and suffering afterwards and you might end up damaging your liver and kidneys. If your boyfriend is just using you for sex, then maybe it's time to find a new boyfriend? Just don't lose hope. :hug:
  5. red.stitches

    red.stitches Member

    Thanks xx
    I get into these moods if i spend too much time alone, so i feel i am a danger to myself.
    I think about getting help again, but it worked so poorly the last few times i don't trust them.
    Plus by the time i can get to see a theripist i will feel happy with my life again *my feelings go in cycles*

    as for my boyfriend. i'm paranoid. i sent him a text telling him my current situation (i cut quite badly last night) and that if he wanted to leave me he could. he called me up crying telling me he was so sorry he couldn't be with me to take care of me. (he lives 4 hrs away)
    so he does care.

    i guess i just need some more faith some times xxxxxxx
    thank you all again! x
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