If I do it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ball, Aug 24, 2010.

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  1. Ball

    Ball New Member

    I have suffered form chronic pain since 1990 with no end in sight. Now I have vertigo and a brain injury. I'm just in too much pain mostly physically but there is a lot of mental pain. The only reason I haven't done it sooner is because I think God is cruel and evil and he will have something even worse in store for me. God is a horrible being.

    My condition is taking its toll on my family who always see me in pain. This is not some emotional thing or chemical depression. For me it's a practical solution. I keep looking for remedies for my back but God really screwed me good and I fear there is no way I can escape this torture whether I live or die. My wife doesn't want me to do it but I think she will be better off without me. God is so cruel the way he magnifies our pain.

    If when I leave this existence I will see if I can destroy God and maybe this horrid system of things will stop for the world and the humans he tortures.

    For the rest of you. Before you consider what I am thinking about make sure it is not just some fouled up brain chemistry that can be fixed or will straighten out on its own.

    I too have lost loves and it hurt bad but you get over it. I think in most cases there is real hope. In my case that hope would be medical science acting in a scientific manner and finding a cure for my pain and torment but God loves disease and the people who get rich exploiting it and for that I will try and kill God.

    Most things will get better but somethings don't. Make sure you know the difference before you take this step. For me this is a rational choice pain followed by more pain is a bad choice but like I said, God is evil and if I do this things may get worse. I see it as a roll of the dice.

    No matter what you do. HATE GOD! He deserves it and a whole lot more.
  2. mcviking

    mcviking Well-Known Member

    I am not sure what to say. There must be something that can be done to help your pain. I am sorry this happened to you and that I don't have any good advice. I just hope that you take that option and stay with your wife. I don't think she will be better without you.
  3. Ball

    Ball New Member

    I have been looking into clinical studies but it's tough to get into one and for what I need a nucleus propulsus implant the only studies are overseas. In the US disease is something that is exploited for profits instead of cured.

    I stopped praying long ago and no I curse the sadist. It brings me no solace to know that there are people who have it worse than me. It only makes me hate and distrust God more.

    Hope keeps me going but hope is my tormentor.

    Here is what God did to me. God wasn't satisfied giving me a mentally ill abusive mother who fractured my skull with a wooden rolling pin he made sure she drank when she was pregnant with me but that was not enough to please good. When I was 12 he gave me a brain injury and another one at 17 and another one at 29. I struggled in school and always felt like a loser but I triumphed over that by doing manual labor after I failed at many other things. I then decided to make my body strong so it would endure hard labor but god then gave me a herniated disk in my neck. I got bad medical care (many people in the US do) and the disk herniation eventually cause caused degeneration in my cervical spine. Now its beyond repair. Pain meds don't help much. They have their own drawbacks like depression and addiction and constipation. I forgot, I also had two hernias.

    Now for some reason I have severe vertigo and going to doctors has been a dog and pony show. Every day is torture. I feel like prisoner in a dungeon.

    Before I die I want to hurt God and I will endure a thousand tons of pain just to give him an ounce of pain.

    There is not enough drugs or hookers to give me as much pleasure and pain I have endured. If there is a life after this and if I can remember this one I will spend those days giving pleasure to others and pain to God.
  4. I really don't think god thinks the same as we do...

    It's such a tender touchy subject... but I think that god never thought that we would need these simple things we need so desperately... because he thought we'd all take care of each other...

    I think god is a big pulsing orb and it doesn't judge you or hate you or harm you or protect you... it just is. Like a big huge eyeball that can see everything... the reasons you should be punished... and more importantly, the reasons you shouldn't be...

    I think we have a hard time understanding what he is because he's nothing like us. You only think gods ugly because you've been told that we were made to look like him. We're the ugly ones. God is nothing like one of us. But god is inarguable simply because we cannot be the end all be all of life in this universe. Huh-uh. We're weird talking monkeys on a spinning rock in space. There's more to things than good/evil. There's love in the comforts of nature.

    But I'm just guessing. So read some advice from someone with a brain... from recovery-inc.com... keep looking till u see a newsletter sign up... then... sign up... u get one quote a day... super helpful.

    "If life has no frustration, if life were all happiness and carefree living, then it would be boring. You would be surfeited with a life [of] all smoothness, all proceeding on the same level, no downs, no dips, no frustrations, no disappointments. That is boredom. Expect frustrations all over, all the time. And if you expect them, then you will not be disappointed. Then you will be frustrated, and that will be no disappointment because you expected it." (MFMA, p. 86-87)

    "Our patients are implacable enemies of themselves. They fear themselves, this means their impulses. They are ashamed of themselves, this means their impulses or actions or feelings. They indeed hate themselves, or, if I am to use a milder term, they resent themselves, but essentially it is self-hatred." (MFMA, p. 95)

    "The sense of shame, of fear, of hatred, of contempt applied to trivialities of life have this in common: that they are utterly out of the range of humor. A person hating trivialities, fearing trivialities, being ashamed of daily trivialities, has, of course, no sense of humor. And my patients, as long as they are suffering from their panics, from their frightful sensations and impulses, and so forth, have, of course, no sense of humor. They take their inner experiences too seriously." (MFMA, p. 96-97)

    "Once you think of yourself as being a victim, you will not try to seek help from your inner environment, from yourself." (MFMA, p. 49-50)

    "Patients are fond of thinking that their condition was caused by something external, something in an external environment. And so they have an idea that perhaps if they change environment, it will help them.And some of them go to Florida. Some of them go to California or to Canada, and, well, they feel better when they are there, while they are there. But once they come back to Chicago, their old trouble starts again, and now it is worse because they were disappointed." (MFMA, p. 53)

    "In Recovery you are told that if you want to get well, you have to influence your internal environment-your internal environment that consists mainly of impulses, sensations, obsessions, that must be controlled as you learn here. And, second, of your beliefs, that must be changed according to the standards that you are taught here." (MFMA, p. 56)

    "Any one of you who has conquered one set of symptoms, or more symptoms and some sets of symptoms, has accomplished something that is by no means common. Indeed, it's very rare, except here in Recovery, where it is not rare.Ordinarily if people have nervous symptoms, these nervous symptoms set up vicious cycles, and in time they grow worse and worse, not better. And mark it: you have accomplished your victory over your nervous troubles, not by tricks, not by somebody pulling a trick on you, or you pulling a trick on yourself, but by exercising your will power by means of a method that I have taught you. You owe the conquest over the symptom to your own strength, not to my strength, not to my tricks or stratagems. And why you should not finally get to the point where you acquire pride because of what you have accomplished in your handling of your symptoms-well, I don't know why you don't acquire this pride." (MFMA, p. 33-34)

    Um... I can't find the quote about the will to bear discomfort, but that's important, too... Look 'em up. He's awesome. Dr Low...
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 25, 2010
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