If I ever needed any support from you guys, it's right now.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AsphyxiateOnWords, Mar 2, 2012.

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  1. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    Well I finally did it. I left my drug addicted fiancée today and I think it's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I could use support, advice and/or people to talk to. Well, especially people to talk to....The last time I did this I was extremely suicidal and on the verge of ODing and I just hope I can keep my mind busy and it gets easier eventually cause right now I'm an emotional wreck. I was with this guy for 2 years. The 5mg of klonopin I took with a couple of margaritas and the couple people that have talked to me today have helped keep me from crying most of the time but I do keep breaking out every now and then. It hurts really, really badly. Also, for those who don't know I have borderline personality disorder so to someone like me it feels like a ton of fucking bricks hitting me in chest. And I just want support and help. I'm planning on asking to see my therapist tomorrow. And I'm going to pop like 3 ambiens I think to sleep...:( I hope I make it... I just don't know.

    It would help if I had any friends or my family was the least bit emotionally supportive but my only "friends" are my ex and someone I talk to from this forum. Other than that I'm completely alone and really scared.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 2, 2012
  2. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    Hey SaA. It's not going to be easy. I wish with my exwife for 7 years when things fell apart. It's been 4 years and I still pine for her sometimes. However, when I went to jail, she put her profile up on a singles dating site and decided not to tell anyone she was married. It doesn't get any easier.

    Give yourself time to adjust. Are there kids involved? If so, how are they taking it? I know what's like to be without a significant other. Like I said, it sucks, bu7t it gets easier.

    :hug: You did good. I've been worried about you during the whole drug issue. I'm glad you kicked the habit, and are bettering yourself in college. Just give yourself time.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun GOOD for you ok you are doing right thing you are hun never second guess that decision You keep talking here okay you keep looking after you It is hard i understand that hun but i time you will meet someone and have a healthy relationship and then what a life you will have. Hugs to you
  4. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    Break ups are never easy, but you will be able to get through it. That's good that you are thinking about seeing your therapist, I think that would help you feel better. I hope that things will improve for you soon. :hug:
  5. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Well done, this certainly seems the right thing for you to do and though facing up to it must have been hard, you did it.
    His issues were making you worse, a relationship should be about mutual support but that was not happening from what you have said.

    Good luck for what I am sure will be a brighter future. Hope you continue to post.
  6. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    Well, I'm not sure how I feel to be honest. I keep medicating myself to keep from being hysterical. I still keep crying every now and then, though. This really, really sucks. And mornings especially are the worst for me. At least a friend of mine is taking me out of the house this evening.

    My only two problems are:

    A.) If I find out awful something happened to him, I will probably try to kill myself.
    and B.) If I run out of the pills I'm popping, I either have to find other people to get them from, or I'm totally fucked and at risk of committing suicide.

    Unless I somehow end up in a mental ward, before or after my attempt.

    ILLINI New Member

    My fiancee of 10 years left me after I became injured and broke my back, could not work and we lost our home to foreclose, and right after that happened my 4 year old granddaughter Kelli drowned in a pond, behind my daughters apt. This has all been since Nov 2011....I have bad to extremely bad days, pain is terrible 24/7 as I've had 10 surgeries in 5 years....What keeps me going everyday is the love I have for my 3 year dog Bella who has diabetis, she needs 2 shots of insulin per day, and has terrible seperation anxiety away from me....When it gets the worst, she can sence it and will lay with me, not leaving my side....Also I went from being very out going to an agoraphobe....Please do not take the drug cocktail, the damage it can do to you may be irreversable . I can tell you are a very loving and caring peron who wears her heart on her sleeve...or you would not be on the board....I will tell you IMO you have done the right thing by leaving, you deserve the best life has available, not the 2nd or 3rd best.....I am new to the board, I hope you guys can help me and I in some way can return the favor...
  8. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    StrangeAsAngels - I agree with what the poster above said, re the klonipin and margaritas to keep from crying (as you said in your first post). I think crying is a perfectly normal reaction to what you've been through. Find a good place, or a safe place, and let it out. Trying to keep bottled up will only increase your stress and anxiety, especially if you're using pills and/or alcohol

    Please keep posting, we care
  9. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    Well, I know he's not dead. He texted me a few times today. Still seems to be the same uncaring asshole he was when I first left yesterday morning though, so I let it be. I told him that if he ever gets his life together and gets this whole addiction thing under control, he knows where to find me. Otherwise, I told him I didn't want to talk anymore.

    So yeah.

    As for using drugs to medicate myself, well, I kinda have no choice. If I wasn't doing that, I'd be suicidal right now.
  10. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    Okay, not suicidal quite yet but significantly depressed. I feel like my life is worth nothing and I have nothing to live for anymore. I try and try to keep my mind busy and I don't fucking know...I guess all those benzos from before wore off
  11. letty

    letty Banned Member

    I know how it feels, when I broke up with my boyfriend, he was bipolar, he threatened he was going to commit suicide, he also went to my sisters work with a knife and said if I didnt get back with him he was going to kill us and himself. I am amazed now how he actually thought by doing this I would really go back to him.. I was so depressed I cried and cried, even though he treated me like crap, he was an alcoholic, violent alcoholic, very paronoid, I was still emotionally tied to him.. but to this day he has not changed (from what I hear) and I am glad I did leave. your not alone. hang in there.
  12. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    You are looking out for him, even after a long time trying to help him break his addiction. You are very caring.
    Keep talking to us.
  13. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    Well I talked to him again today, he said that he realized he was improperly using suboxone (he used it to stop heroin sickness when really its supposed to be used when youre ready to get OFF heroin) and is trying to detox off of it. He said, that way he'll stop doing heroin because he'll know it'll just start the cycle over again. So I feel seeing that he has to stop using it improperly was at least a step up. And when he's finished detoxing he said he'd come back and we'd fix things. I still really hope I don't kill myself by then or anytime afterward if he still keeps using. Cause fuck knows I really want to.
  14. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    That sounds like progress, i hope that seeing a way forward helps you deal with things?
  15. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    Well, it makes me a little less emotional, unless something goes wrong of course and he starts making me feel like he doesn't care again...

    But I still can't sleep or relax worth a damn and need to take medication constantly.

    That, and I still feel as though I'd be better off dead. Honestly, if I died in my sleep tonight, it'd be a great thing. But I know I'm not that lucky.
  16. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Good, lets hope that does not happen.
    Hopefully over time you will be able to feel OK without medication, and look forward to your future.
  17. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    I think a working time machine is more likely to be invented than for me to feel okay without medication.

    And come on, who are we kidding, I think if most people on this forum could die in their sleep, they'd be all over the idea.
  18. lycoris

    lycoris Well-Known Member

    I know we didn't quite gel last time I was in one of your threads but I just wanted to pop in to say I hope you're ok (i know that doesn't mean much right now)

    Don't think of all the negatives like not feeling ok without medication etc and just do what you need to do to be ok FOR YOU.

    Thinking of you x
  19. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    Lycoris, it was just a difference of opinion and I just want to say that I don't have any problems with you, Pembinga, or Gloomy, whatsoever.

    And thanks for hoping I'm okay. I'm sort of hanging in there and just hoping he finally realizes everything he could lose and stops doing that shit, and we can reconcile. It really is awful without him. I feel like shit and hardly anything at all seems appealing or worthwhile.
  20. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    So...an update. Most likely we are going to live together again starting Friday.

    And you guys, if it doesn't work out again somehow...I can't go through this type of thing again, especially knowing in the future that we're actually breaking up, rather than me waiting for him to get some sense into him and then get back together like we're doing right now.

    So, in other words, if this fails again after Friday, I will seriously consider offing myself. I know I have people who care about me and who would be tremendously upset, but this life has nothing to offer me if I don't have someone who understands me and my disorder. And I don't have that. My family doesn't fully understand me. I don't have any friends. He's the only one who understands. So...yeah.
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