If I ever needed any support from you guys, it's right now.

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Aurelia

πŸ”₯ A Fire Inside πŸ”₯
SF Supporter
#23
It's really hard for me to talk on the phone so I've been procrastinating talking to my therapist. But I have done so today, and actually made 2 appointments with 2 different therapists...one with my regular one, and one with another one that I used to see a year ago or so...but the latter is sooner. So I don't know which one I'll end up going to. I don't think my insurance would allow me to go to both, though. But then again, I could be wrong. I was trying to see the psychiatrist though, because I'm having a huge problem with sleeping as of lately (sleep paralysis, night terrors, extreme stress, insomnia, etc.) And my regular psych I don't see for about a month, and the psychiatrist at the other place I won't even be able to make an appointment with until I see the therapist at their facility. So it kind of sucks because I was hoping for some sleep medications or something. But maybe I can make an appt. with just my GP for that too, so I think I'll give that a try. Nothing OTC for sleep has worked for me.

Also, this whole situation with...well I don't know what to call him right now, but the emotionally abusive and destructive relationship that I've been in, I just decided to basically take people's advice who tell me to get out because I don't think he's going to change over a week. Or if ever, really. I have a feeling deep down that all of our past problems will just continue. I've been without him for 6 days now living at my brother's, and I feel like if I come back now, that's a huge risk to take for everything to just be okay again and if it's not going to be, then the worst part is that I may not have the strength to leave again. So I feel like maybe I should just take advantage of the fact that I've been away from him and keep going down that path because it can only get better from here. Whereas, if he doesn't get better, he'll only send me spiraling back down into depression and suicide. So for now, I've decided that I need to do two things:

A.) Finding a whole new circle of support because I have no close friends other than some people to talk to online. This includes re-connecting with some of my family whom I've kind of neglected while I was in the relationship.
B.) Setting a sort of schedule for myself to keep my mind busy (which I am hoping to succeed in doing with a therapist), especially for mornings and nights because those are the worst times of the day for me. And just basically keep busy with school work and potential other projects until I become somewhat emotionally stable.

And well, maybe three things...also continue going to therapy and getting help, so that I don't repeat what I've done thus far relationship-wise.
 

windlepoons

Well-Known Member
#24
Sleep is very important, hope you can do something.
That is a wonderful three step plan StrangeAsAngels. Hope that you can rebuild your relationship with your family. And staying busy is critical too, avoid excessive introspection.

You are right, you have broken free. I would recommend staying free. This man needs to sort himself out, and he needs to do that himself.
 

Aurelia

πŸ”₯ A Fire Inside πŸ”₯
SF Supporter
#25
It's really f-in hard though when you're a Borderline Personality. I just hope, at the very least, that he doesn't try convincing me to come back and making it even harder on me. He would have to prove he's been clean for quite a while, though, for me to even talk to him again at any point in the future...otherwise, I know I have to refuse to do so if he tries. I'm not even sure if he'll care enough to do either one, though...so that's neither here nor there. I just hope this doesn't get any harder than it already is, I guess is what I'm saying.
 

chrism67

Well-Known Member
#26
I split from my husband. I got an order of protection against him. I was with him for twenty years. I have four children and am on disability myself. I need to move because my house is in forclosure. Ive been on meds but they have been stopped to start new ones. And im downright suicidal. Ive been cutting deeper and more frequently than usual.ive been talking tto my therapist but i cant tell him everything because i dont want him to admit me to the hospital. I really dont want to be here anymore. I am just so depressed. My moods are so up and down . I swing on a dime. I dont know where to turn.
 

Aurelia

πŸ”₯ A Fire Inside πŸ”₯
SF Supporter
#27
I don't know how old your children are, but maybe you could turn to them. Or other family members. Do you have any friends? If not, now is probably a good idea to make some. I have to say, I really feel for you because we are going through similar things. Maybe take example from some of the things I've decided to do for myself in this thread, though?
 

chrism67

Well-Known Member
#28
I too am a borderline. I was married for twenty years and my husband started using. First it was alcohol and a dwi. Then it was pills. Then he started using bath salts. I too am having a very hard time trusting him after everything he did to us. Tomorrow i have to go to court and see him. Id rather shoot myself. I really am on rock bottom. And my therapist is the only one sort of helping me but i cant tell him actually how bad my thinking really is. He askse if my thoughts are controlable. I tell him yeah but at times its not. And its definitly not controlable when im cutting. I dont know how to get out of this. I only see an oncoming train.really in over my head. My thoughts are bad but ive gone over them and even stopped by my favorite place.
 

Aurelia

πŸ”₯ A Fire Inside πŸ”₯
SF Supporter
#29
Chrism67, I'd like to talk to you sometime, it seems you understand my feelings pretty well. Is there any way I can contact you, like a messenger for instance? I am kind of on the brink of wanting to end it again too, and have no idea how to get myself out again. I screwed up the (what I think was) the only chance I had, by talking to him again. PM me or let me know on this thread if you want to chat sometime, ok?
 
#30
I know exactly what your going through. I was with someone for five years who did drugs as well. The thing is, I never knew about drugs. I was so naive, I didn't realize he was using until the last few months of our relationship.
I tried everything to get him help- took him to NA meetings, counseling, and even talked with his parents. I ended up leaving him after 5 years. I'm a very dedicated woman in relationships but there is a time you need to put your foot down and say enough is enough. Long story short- I met an amazing man three months after we broke up. He's responsible, caring, and best of all - he doesn't drink or do drugs.

So, life will get better, I promise you that. I know it hurts right now but please try to hang in there. The more time you spend away from him, the easier it is to let go. Take it a day at a time or maybe preoccupy yourself with work or dating. Im new here, but if you like - you can send me a pm for support. And please, don't be suicidal - just think of all the people around you!
 
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