I'd do it. I just don't feel like holding on anymore. Not even for my lover. It's just not enough to hold me in this earth anymore. I wish there was some way I could kill myself without hurting him. I don't want him to do the same thing. I want him to live and do great things. I want him to find another girl better than me and pursue his dream in animation and have a happy life. He spends too much of his time fixing me up. Ironically he just called to see if I was okay. I hate that I lied and said I was. I hate that he's so loving and good to me. I wish he could do that to someone else so I can die in peace. I bet you if he didn't exist no one would come to my funeral. My parents probably don't give two shits about me. I have no friends who live nearby. My family probably disowned me a while back. I don't have a reason to live besides him. It's also funny. Every time life looks up and I feel just a little bit better and more happy, something somehow happens and pushes me back down. And I'm not just talking once or twice. I'm talking consistently ever since I can remember. My life is a living train wreck. One day a family member gets hit by a train, the next day my best friend's mom is diagnosed with cancer, the next day I find out my good friend was using me, then next day I get into a fight with my mom and she steals all my stuff, the next day my phone gets stolen, and the next day I become a laughing stock to the whole art community and I have to sit and hear that I'll never go far in life all day. Nonstop. This just never ends. Today I went to visit the college I might be going to. If I can pass math, which I'm currently failing. Which I'm pretty sure is a no. If I don't get in I'll have to live with my mentally abusive parents. Which is no fun. But anyways, I went to visit it and I came home and I find out my boyfriend can't get any Cal Grant scholarships, I also found out this stupid bitch wasted two months of my time and fifteen dollars just because she's mad at me and doesn't want the commission, my boyfriend's computer got a virus, my best friend's friend's cat was brutally slaughtered, and I had to deal with my parents saying I'm an irresponsible bitch all day just because I had no idea there was some college thing in my junk mail. And everyday my depression gets worse. It's effecting my physical well being now. I sprained my ankle just because I was crying too hard and I didn't have the energy to take one step. It's just stupid. I feel like I'm sixty and I'm only eighteen. Ugh. Point is life freaking sucks and I really hope I find a way out of here soon. Preferably something quick and painless. A gun would be nice but all of them are locked up away from me. How frustrating.