If I had a gun

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Icey, Apr 11, 2010.

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  1. Icey

    Icey Active Member

    I'd do it.

    I just don't feel like holding on anymore. Not even for my lover. It's just not enough to hold me in this earth anymore. I wish there was some way I could kill myself without hurting him. I don't want him to do the same thing. I want him to live and do great things. I want him to find another girl better than me and pursue his dream in animation and have a happy life. He spends too much of his time fixing me up.

    Ironically he just called to see if I was okay. I hate that I lied and said I was. I hate that he's so loving and good to me. I wish he could do that to someone else so I can die in peace. I bet you if he didn't exist no one would come to my funeral. My parents probably don't give two shits about me. I have no friends who live nearby. My family probably disowned me a while back. I don't have a reason to live besides him.

    It's also funny. Every time life looks up and I feel just a little bit better and more happy, something somehow happens and pushes me back down. And I'm not just talking once or twice. I'm talking consistently ever since I can remember. My life is a living train wreck. One day a family member gets hit by a train, the next day my best friend's mom is diagnosed with cancer, the next day I find out my good friend was using me, then next day I get into a fight with my mom and she steals all my stuff, the next day my phone gets stolen, and the next day I become a laughing stock to the whole art community and I have to sit and hear that I'll never go far in life all day. Nonstop.

    This just never ends. Today I went to visit the college I might be going to. If I can pass math, which I'm currently failing. Which I'm pretty sure is a no. If I don't get in I'll have to live with my mentally abusive parents. Which is no fun. But anyways, I went to visit it and I came home and I find out my boyfriend can't get any Cal Grant scholarships, I also found out this stupid bitch wasted two months of my time and fifteen dollars just because she's mad at me and doesn't want the commission, my boyfriend's computer got a virus, my best friend's friend's cat was brutally slaughtered, and I had to deal with my parents saying I'm an irresponsible bitch all day just because I had no idea there was some college thing in my junk mail.

    And everyday my depression gets worse. It's effecting my physical well being now. I sprained my ankle just because I was crying too hard and I didn't have the energy to take one step. It's just stupid. I feel like I'm sixty and I'm only eighteen.

    Ugh.

    Point is life freaking sucks and I really hope I find a way out of here soon. Preferably something quick and painless. A gun would be nice but all of them are locked up away from me. How frustrating.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    It is hard to accept being loved when we feel so tenuous about ourselves...but it is also can counter-balance our feelings of depression when we let it in...have you spoken to a professional about what you are going through? maybe giving help and support a chance might allow you to feel a little better...you deserve it...big hugs, J
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Depression sadness is treatable you need to talk to your doctor a therapist and start feeling better okay You are 18 your sadness could be caused by medical reasons even get your thyroid checked your hormone levels checked but do something to feel better . Call your doctor and eliminate any medical reasons and get on some meds to aleviate the sadness to get feeling good again.

    You donot need a gun you need medical attention so reach out and get it okay stay safe
     
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