If I knew how, I would

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Abanana, Jun 24, 2013.

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  1. Abanana

    Abanana Member

    If I knew a sure-fire way to kill myself I would. Would have 4 weeks ago, would have 2 weeks ago, would tomorrow.

    Every other day I am so depressed I want to just have already died; I don't want to actually kill myself, I just want to not BE anymore. I want to have died or killed myself 15 years ago when I wanted to (but had no real plans) but didn't because I didn't want my mother to find me.

    I want to not have wasted the last 15 years. I want to not be a loser who squandered a great education and potential. I want to not have been chemically and situationally depressed since I was 12. Raped at 15, fun, first time - probable childhood sexual abuse of some kind by an adult male, definite beyond-normal sexual experimentation with same-age females at a VERY young age (4-11). Dramatic alcohol abuse 13-20. Renewed alcohol abuse 21 onward. Coke use 24 onward, sporadic but bad, not pile-of-coke bad, but illegal-coke-club bad. Coke-fueled debt. Got out of it. Got back in - not as bad. String of careerless bad jobs, current one the most demoralizing, soul-sucking, unrewarding, lowest-paying.

    Alcohol-, coke-, rape-coping (I was drunk at the time) slut phase - on and off 5 years, mid-20s. Current boyfriend good, on and off 6 years, knows and likes me, heard me out a few days ago when I freaked out - probably getting sick of me.

    Abortion 5 months ago.

    No friends, no support, no one I can be honest with.

    Hate my shrink (2 years?), meds upped, changed, etc. Recently reached out to old college shrink. Seeing him in 1 week.

    Thought about killing myself seriously about 4 weeks ago, waiting for period, everything that's wrong w my life weighing on me.

    If I had a way, I would have. And might soon.
  2. Tinydancer1

    Tinydancer1 Member

    Hi abanana,

    I'm so so sorry for what u have gone through, I wish that I had the power to erase your path and give you a completly clean sweep! Nobody should of had to go through this and I know how alone you can feel. Unfortunately all I can offer is a cyber hug lol and my support. Is there anywhere in your area like a rehab centre that you could get help at ? I don't know your money situation or where u are based but please please try and hold on. I feel the same way at the moment I feel like there's nothin to live for , I'm ill and can't work and have no money and I know how it feels to feel helpless. Please keep fighting though because you can come out on top. Think of all the people who have let you down and fight to be better than them! Remember there's always someone who cares your boyfriend must care about you alot stay strong for him! Is there any other job you can get or any way of taking some time out to sort yourself out a bit ? I'm sorry I can't b of more help i really wish I could, I believe in you please stay strong I think your amazing for hanging on for what you've gone through and will always be here to chat ! Hugs and things can get better ! X
  3. Abanana

    Abanana Member

    Thanks. It helps to know I'm not alone.

    I just wishi had someone to talk to I wouldn't be afraid of alienating.
  4. Abanana

    Abanana Member

    Today I got yelled at by the boss for something someone else did, got mad, walked around for 40 minutes looking for a cold bar with a/c to kill 2 hours in before going to see my boyfriend's band play a really great show, every bar was packed, I was sweaty, upset he didn't make plans to meet up beforehand, so I texted him that I was going home.

    I wasted $15 because I'd hired a dog walker 'cause I thought I'd be out late, and the boyfriend didn't even get my txt (hasn't been getting them consistently for a day or two, honestly believe him).

    I was half-crying on the walk home and all the way on the subway.

    I hate my life. I have no friends. I'm driving my boyfriend away.

    I guess I'm getting things ready?
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry for all you have been through and it definitely provides a context for how you are feeling...any one thing would have reeked havoc on one's psyche...doing things to self-medicate or to create shame-based events is understandable when one has been raped (I was raped by my father from the age of 3-15 so I know a lot about this)...please find a way to forgive yourself for what you did to try to survive (it is possible), know you are valuable and brave for contacting someone who can help you (your former therapist)...and please continue to post...many of us here understand what you are going through
  6. prakash

    prakash Well-Known Member

    sorry to read your troubles. But you will survive anc come out a winner. Be strong and have faith in God. Keep venting here. We all have problmes.
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