If I knew a sure-fire way to kill myself I would. Would have 4 weeks ago, would have 2 weeks ago, would tomorrow. Every other day I am so depressed I want to just have already died; I don't want to actually kill myself, I just want to not BE anymore. I want to have died or killed myself 15 years ago when I wanted to (but had no real plans) but didn't because I didn't want my mother to find me. I want to not have wasted the last 15 years. I want to not be a loser who squandered a great education and potential. I want to not have been chemically and situationally depressed since I was 12. Raped at 15, fun, first time - probable childhood sexual abuse of some kind by an adult male, definite beyond-normal sexual experimentation with same-age females at a VERY young age (4-11). Dramatic alcohol abuse 13-20. Renewed alcohol abuse 21 onward. Coke use 24 onward, sporadic but bad, not pile-of-coke bad, but illegal-coke-club bad. Coke-fueled debt. Got out of it. Got back in - not as bad. String of careerless bad jobs, current one the most demoralizing, soul-sucking, unrewarding, lowest-paying. Alcohol-, coke-, rape-coping (I was drunk at the time) slut phase - on and off 5 years, mid-20s. Current boyfriend good, on and off 6 years, knows and likes me, heard me out a few days ago when I freaked out - probably getting sick of me. Abortion 5 months ago. No friends, no support, no one I can be honest with. Hate my shrink (2 years?), meds upped, changed, etc. Recently reached out to old college shrink. Seeing him in 1 week. Thought about killing myself seriously about 4 weeks ago, waiting for period, everything that's wrong w my life weighing on me. If I had a way, I would have. And might soon.