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If i was to suicide - I want to take other people out with me.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by super_dave31, May 28, 2008.

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  1. super_dave31

    super_dave31 Member

    Pls wait before you run to report me to the police, lol

    i am just being totally honest and giving you my feelings and thoughts.

    To be honest......... I feel cheated in my life. I feel like life is against me.

    My life has been turned up side down because of...........wait for it....... fucking having my photo taken (youll think its ridiculous but pls read on...)

    When ii was younger i used to have my photo taken and look like.........me. Nothing bad, odd or strange - nothing.
    now however, if you take a photo of me, EVEN THOUGH i still look the same! - the photo will look HIDEOUS. and it has totally destroyed my confidence, it has totally destroyed my life and its totally destroyed me as a person.

    For years i went through a phase of 'how do i look like i used to look in photos' - do i do this, or this, or this (i.e. trying to pull faces hoping it will have some affect, trying to change my hair, trying to stick my head out more) - and each time i FAILED. and more and more it wqas building up and up inside me of being upset andp issed off as literally photos were destroying my confidence.

    And finally - afetr about 4 - 6 years (which were by far the worst of my life and im only 22years old) i have realised........i will NEVER look normal in photos.

    MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE - i am going to look a twat in photos. you honestly dont know how bad it is.

    My dad thinks that i mean things liek you might have a photo taken and you have a double chinor something in the photo. but its not. i physically do not recognise myself in photos.

    and there are a few thigns that totally anger me about this situation
    1) i still look the same! that is the joke of it all! i still look the same as when i looked normal in photos! now you take a photo of me i look hideous........yet i still look the same!!! its as if going through puberty has changed me from photogenic to the most unphotogenic person in the world
    2) - i havea brother - and people say i am the spitting image of him. they say i sound like him, act like him, have the same mannerisms as him! and LOOK like him - yet he is COMPELTELY UNAFFECTED in photos. yet I am??
    3) i know i have inherited this from my dad where by he had a few photos that looked horrible - but with me, ive got that in EVERY photo. and for no reason - ive inherited it completely. and my grandma and grandad were photogenic so i dont know where he has got it from

    Anyway...... in photos i see things that cripple me basically - massive foreahd, a horrible bump underneath that makes me look like elephant man, horrible hair, horrible nose - basically, everything horrible . and up until a few weeks agio i actually thought this is what i looked like (when i was in my pull this face it should work, do this it should work phase...)

    Now im fully aware there are people in this world who are crippled, or have no legs and thigns like that - but......mentally - the strain on me is phenomenal. it is getting out of hand and i just cant get rid of it. and as i am getting older, it is getting worse.

    and even tho my outlook has changed and that i know i dont actualy look like it there are still other things about it
    1) i went away last weekened with my friends and had some photos taken - all that was going on in my head was 'so i still look THE SAME, yet take a photo of me - and wait until these are developed - and i look HIDEOUS - yet i still LOOK THE SAME!'
    2) im just scared - as i know im going to have this on me for the rest of my life, it is never going to go away.
    3) i feel i have had what should have been some of the best years of my life taken away from me. 16 17, 18, 19, 20 and 21 years old i have been totally fucked in the head - just thinking about what i look like. i get one life - those eyars are nver coming back. i feel robbed of those years. and i look at other people that age - NONE of them have this problem
    4) finally, the fact i used to look normal in photos just pess me off so much. WHAT has happened - it is almost as if with a click of the fingers i have gone from normal - to life destroyed. just like that - i have NO CONTROL over it. its as if my body, my life just decided to do it to me for no reason.

    if i caused it then i would accept it - but its the fact i have done nothign to cause it - it has just 'happened'

    It is totally affecting me. i am losing friends. at work i am falling behind i cannot concentrate. i dont even want kids (if i get to that age..) as i dont want anyone else to inherit this. and when i was younger i would have loved to of had kids

    but getting to my main point

    i feel cheated.

    I feel life has brought this on me for no reason . (add to the fact that i STILL look the same.....this annoys me even more).

    'it would be me' - kind of feeling.

    And if i was to commit suicide (if my life gets so low) - i feel as if people would say 'what a loser' or 'what a waste'. and i just feel like i would want to go on a columbine style rampage that ends up with me dead - because i OWE life.

    i lead a totally normal life until this happened. and my life has been fucking ruined by something i have NO CONTROL of(please note - i do not live in america so this isnt going to happen but im just saying how i feel - there are no guns where i live - england)

    at least then i would have pay back for life fucking my life up - and people would take note. 'going out with style' you could say

    People commit suicide over stuff they have been involved with a lot of the time e.g. money troubles, relationships etc - i lead a totally normal happy life until this happened and would never have considered suicide and now.....i feel like it is being 'forced upon me'. and it is literally blocking me from leading a normal life. i havent even caused it, yet ive been pushed to the brink

    I know you probably want to report me, or youll say see a doctor / psychiatrist - but this is how i feel

    its even affected my relationship with my mum and dad - i have put them through so much shit i hardly speak to my dad now and my mum says he is really upset. - at work, someone spoke to someone my mum knows and asked if i was happy at the company (the person ovbviusly knew the colleague knew my mum - trying to get information or something...) so even at work they have noticed im not normal

    i read the papers and see pictures of people in it all the time - all i think is - i cannot even taken a picture liek that IT IS A JOKE

    if i was to commit suicide i seriuslyl feel i would owe life so majoy pay back for what its done to me and my life.
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i'm not sure where to start, but i know there are members here who have written about BDD - body dsyphoric disorder (sp???) ... maybe they can respond? there's this site, might be worth reading - http://www.bddcentral.com/ - one of the sections of the site has this description:

    "Another common BDD complaint deals with photographs. Many a BDDer has avoided intimate family gatherings or other important situations just to prevent themselves from being photographed. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but to a BDDer, it is only one: disgust. Having your face caught on film creates much distress, as we become paranoid as to who will see it, what they will think, and feel ashamed that anybody would have to look at us. We have no control over who will see the photo, and what will go through their minds when they see it. A photo almost always convinces a BDDer that their image of themselves, in their own mind, is correct, if not worse than they thought."

    a doctor could help make the correct diagnosis (maybe it isn't BDD), but as my therapist likes to say "wouldn't it be a shame to kill yourself" when you can get a proper diagnosis and with help, get better.

    in the meantime, can you just ask to not have your photo taken? i'm a photographer (sorry!!!!!) and i would never take a photo without someone's permission.

    i hope you feel better soon.
  3. janie

    janie Well-Known Member

    "lol"-sorry but that was my first reaction to ur awesome post. um yeah i cant stand my photos either photogenicity and me have never met and gotten to know each other. but if u think about it - photos dont do a good job of showing you how you look like to other ppl - ex 1. celebrity photos - if u go thru the tabloid magazines or sites u see SO many bad photos of celebs that you know does not look like that in real life. a photo only takse one frame of your face thats not a good representation of reality at all- in real life ur face n its contours and shadows/shades are constantly changing and how u look to other ppl is a dynamic "motion reel" rather than a single snapshot. and how others perceive you (physically) also depends on ur faceial expressions personlaity etc which just doesnt come through in a photo dude.

    long story short- i really dont think how u look in photos is how you look in real life to other people and you could just avoid them altogether like what i do. Or even better just make faces (and i mean like calvin faces) in them if u have to takea photo.

    or u could go and try to take a good photo of yourself- just spend an evening with your favourite camera in ur bathroom (i find bathroom lighting is usualy teh most photogenicising lol) and take pics until u get a good one hahah

    sorry but ive taken a bit of a light hearted approach to your post and i realise this is a really serious issue for you ( i've went through bad periods with being self conscious of my looks)
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