if i were paper, i'd be paper going through a shredder.

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by lachrymose27, Aug 20, 2007.

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  1. lachrymose27

    lachrymose27 Well-Known Member

    i sort of have a girlfriend... i think... living with her for quite awhile now.
    we don't have much in common, but we live together... i think she likes me. I don't know whether she loves me or not. Well, i don't think she does. I'm just not like the other social-types, though I try hard to break the barrier and fake myself as much as possible. She will be coming home soon from a month vacation. And when she does, we'll have a couple days to spend together before i study abroad for 4 months. I'm going to feel sad. The main reason i'm going to study abroad, is so that she doesn't have to take care of me. Yes, she takes care of me and i feel horrible about that. I don't have a job. I tried several places, but not one called back. I feel nervous and anxious when going for job interviews. Actually, I'm extremely poor at socializing. It's probably due to the fact that i never do any physical activities or have any friends. Because I don't do anything nor have any friends, people might ask me the "so what did you do this weekend" and i'd feel horrible because I'm being honest nowadays and say nothing. "Watch movies." Yeah.. something like that. Although I use to lie and say "hung out with friends." To save myself embarassment, you know? Actually, i still lie. Usually.

    My depression isn't due to having no friends. I think it is my social anxiety.
    People say i get along fine, I "know" how to talk with people. Still, i'm more anxious than getting along fine. Most of the time I don't know how to talk with people. Most of the time I don't want to talk at all as there are nothing much to talk about in this world. Again, because I don't do anything in my life, it is hard to strike up a conversation. My social anxiety is stopping me from getting work. I can't even support myself and i feel really guilty for allowing my girlfriend to support me, that is why i'm going away. i think about suicides, but i'm not the type to do it, too wimpy. Plus I have some fighting strength in me. I know my problem, i'm just trying so hard to overcome my lack of social skills and confidence (but failing everytime). When she comes back, she probably won't want to cuddle me like before. If she does, then she probably won't want to cuddle me after i come back from the trip. Anyway, i wish her the best of luck without me. And I wish her happy times and a successful life ahead of her. I know that normal guys can make her happier... or happy.

    When I come back, i hope i can get a job at barnes and nobles. i find that kind of environment much more relaxing. Then i can support myself a little and see how well my studies are going.. Oh, i still don't even know what i want to major in, i jump around alot. Lost years because of it. One time i'm thinking about video, now art, and now music. I don't know what the hell i want to do. I try to think of the positive things. But i'm afraid it will be a long long time before i can get a stable carreer related to my field of major. I want to make her happy. I want to supoprt her and make her happy now. She doesn't have to love me... being fed up with me is even worse, because it's true, i'm a useless fool.
  2. RunningAway

    RunningAway Well-Known Member


    You are not a useless fool hun :hug: You are anxious and down - but no fool. Perhaps your study abroad may give you some new found confidence? It is certainly an opportunity to do new things, mett new people without any of them having known you before.

    I can not say if your girlfriend loves you. But I am guessing that she does if you are together. Have you tried talking to her a little about all of this?

    Am here if you need to talk :)
  3. lachrymose27

    lachrymose27 Well-Known Member

    I am hoping the study would change me for the better. But i'd hate to go there to socialize. Do hope i find something to talk about however.
    I brought it up a couple times, but she gets mad.
    I think she just pities me, feels sorry for me, that's why we're together.
    What i do know for certain is that she only loves me when i'm acting or being cute. She's told me before.
    I don't blame her, don't have many good qualities in me.
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