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If it looked like an accident

UKDude

Well-Known Member
#1
Has anybody wondered... if you did do "it", do you think it would be easier for the people you leave behind if it looks like an accident / cock up rather than deliberate?

So they don't feel any guilt / sadness that they didn't realise how you were feeling/coping?

I think it might be kinder.
 

Gonz

Over Cardiac Arrest
#4
My wife died by accident. Didn't change the fact that I had to find her like that. You ever done that before? Walked into a room, smile on your face because you're just about to see someone you love at the end of a long day, fired off the beginning of a greeting that trailed off as you realize that's not your loved one sitting there, but rather their dead body. Looking up at you. With eyes glazed over and hair plastered to their face and mouth hanging open and vomit all over. Dead. By accident.

If you haven't, I can promise that at no point during this ordeal do you think to yourself "At least it wasn't on purpose."

In fact, as years go by, a part of you kinda wishes it had been on purpose because at least then there would have been some fucking meaning behind it, rather than having to live with the knowledge that this life-altering psyche-shattering loss was just a stupid fucking accident, a meaningless twist of fate.

Killing yourself and making it look like an accident is not doing your loved ones a kindness. It's betraying them, breaking their hearts and traumatizing them, and lying to them about why it happened so that you can feel okay about it.
 
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UKDude

Well-Known Member
#5
My wife died by accident. Didn't change the fact that I had to find her like that. You ever done that before? Walked into a room, smile on your face because you're just about to see someone you love at the end of a long day, fired off the beginning of a greeting that trailed off as you realize that's not your loved one sitting there, but rather their dead body. Looking up at you. With eyes glazed over and hair plastered to their face and mouth hanging open and vomit all over. Dead. By accident.

If you haven't, I can promise that at no point during this ordeal do you think to yourself "At least it wasn't on purpose."

In fact, as years go by, a part of you kinda wishes it had been on purpose because at least then there would have been some fucking meaning behind it, rather than having to live with the knowledge that this life-altering psyche-shattering loss was just a stupid fucking accident, a meaningless twist of fate.

Killing yourself and making it look like an accident is not doing your loved ones a kindness. It's betraying them, breaking their hearts and traumatizing them, and lying to them about why it happened so that you can feel okay about it.
No it's not so I can feel better about it, it's so they aren't left wondering why and why they didn't notice anything was wrong.

I'm sorry you went through that, it's always traumatic when someone dies unexpectedly and it must have been terrible.

I should imagine it makes it much worse if you end up blaming yourself to some degree.
 

the.end.ish

Misknown Member
#6
I don't think it would be easier. Someone I once loved killed themselves intentionally and while I did agonize over what I could have done differently, I believe I would have done the same if it was an accident. What could I have done to prevent them from leading up to the point they had to face that accident?

Death is death and the loss of a loved one haunts you no matter how you spin it... I don't know if I'll ever find closure for my losses.
 

Gonz

Over Cardiac Arrest
#7
Yeah, it is so you can feel better because if you genuinely gave a shit about their feelings, you wouldn't kill yourself at all. Even if you do convince them it was an accident, you are still willfully purposefully putting them through horrible heartbreak and trauma. You don't make that somehow ok by throwing a neat little bow on it that alleviates approximately 0.nothing% of their pain.
 

UKDude

Well-Known Member
#8
Yeah, it is so you can feel better because if you genuinely gave a shit about their feelings, you wouldn't kill yourself at all. Even if you do convince them it was an accident, you are still willfully purposefully putting them through horrible heartbreak and trauma. You don't make that somehow ok by throwing a neat little bow on it that alleviates approximately 0.nothing% of their pain.
No, it really isn't, so you can keep your vitriolic opinions to yourself.

You're looking at it back to front. You might not have thought "At least it wasn't on purpose" when you found someone who had died by accident, that's a ridiculous statement to make.

But someone who finds a person who has killed themself deliberately will probably think "I wish it had been natural causes / an accident rather than on purpose."

They may feel guilt, I wouldn't want that.

They can't blame themselves for an accident that happened when they weren't there.

I won't have any feelings about it, I won't exist any more.
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#9
I've definitely gone down that road of thinking. But I think no matter how you slice it, a sudden death is a horrible thing. Is that small difference in how they conceptualize your death much in the scheme of things when they are already mourning? Probably not. Better to do what you can to stick around and make things better for yourself, so no one has to be mourning in the first place.
 

the.end.ish

Misknown Member
#10
I won't have any feelings about it, I won't exist any more.
Hi UKDude,

It seems if you are at the point of considering how your family will feel if you committed, you are in the planning stage and in danger. Do you want to talk about it?

I do truly think that making it look like an accident will not alleviate anyone's grief and that hypothesizing won't do any good as everyone handles grief differently.

But the truth remains that no matter what it will hurt like hell.
 

Gonz

Over Cardiac Arrest
#11
No, it really isn't, so you can keep your vitriolic opinions to yourself.

You're looking at it back to front. You might not have thought "At least it wasn't on purpose" when you found someone who had died by accident, that's a ridiculous statement to make.

But someone who finds a person who has killed themself deliberately will probably think "I wish it had been natural causes / an accident rather than on purpose."

They may feel guilt, I wouldn't want that.

They can't blame themselves for an accident that happened when they weren't there.

I won't have any feelings about it, I won't exist any more.
You haven't seen vitriol from me yet, only unfiltered honesty.

I find it odd that people (and I don't mean just you, you're hardly the only one who holds this view) will be so concerned about that one little aspect of how their friends/families experience their death, but still be perfectly willing to put them through the pain of that death in the first place.
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#12
My high school best friend died last year. We weren't really close any more, our lives went different ways, and so I don't know exactly how he died. I think there is a good chance it was suicide, because of what I know of his past, but I don't know if I'll ever know for sure. But either way, I don't think of *how* he died. I think about the fact that he's gone, that the world gets one less great person to make it better. I think about the fact that his father probably found him, and has to mourn the loss of his son. However he died I imagine his dad is crushed, and thinking over all the things that could have gone differently. That's just how loss goes.
 

UKDude

Well-Known Member
#13
You haven't seen vitriol from me yet, only unfiltered honesty.

I find it odd that people (and I don't mean just you, you're hardly the only one who holds this view) will be so concerned about that one little aspect of how their friends/families experience their death, but still be perfectly willing to put them through the pain of that death in the first place.
Then you lack the fundamental understanding of what someone who is thinking that way is feeling.

Do you think you're telling me anything I don't already know or have considered?

When someone feels so shit that they don't want to be here any more, trying to make them feel even more shit isn't going to change their mind.
 

Sunspots

★☆ Comfortably Sunny☆★
Staff member
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#14
I honestly have no idea if it would be easier for them or not. My friend died by suicide when we were 16 and I still wonder why nobody saw. I had another friend die in a car accident on his may home from my 16th birthday party - his death probably affected me more. I'm lucky to have never lost a very close friend of family member to die before their natural time.

I do know it is extremely hard to guarantee it will look like an accident. There will always be a pretty thorough police investigation into an accidental death and forensically they will find the smallest thing. Particularly if anyone has the slightest idea that you are or were struggling with depression.

But rather than discussing this we should be talking about how to get you feeling better.
What kind of support do you have around you right now? Therapy? Doctor?
 

Dark111

SF Supporter
#15
Has anybody wondered... if you did do "it", do you think it would be easier for the people you leave behind if it looks like an accident / cock up rather than deliberate?

So they don't feel any guilt / sadness that they didn't realise how you were feeling/coping?

I think it might be kinder.
If they contributed to your misery, f**k em. Do people who follow through with suicide really have such understanding people around them to begin with? If you have people around you and you still feel completely isolated & alone, F them. Let them feel guilt for all eternity.
 

MisterBGone

Well-Known Member
#16
While I would never wish to offer an account that conflicts with anyone’s personal, firsthand accounts and experiences—the only thing I will add to it, is based on some of the things I have read over the years, based on Survivor’s testimonies. And that is basically that, when they choose to go out in this manner, at least publicly—that
Is: in the view of others — it makes what’s already been done even worse, or compounded by the fact that suicidal contains, or comes with so much “stigma,” attached to it. And thus, on top of all the already ongoing grief associated with the loss, you now have on your hands in addition to that, everyone pointing ☝️ their fingers at you (or your dearly departed), and passing judgement. Not that they will say anything of course. They won’t have to. The way in which they treat you , collectively will be able to be felt, and gauged based upon their actions, and in some cases - inactions (in comparison to one that has not been “labeled,” as such; that being, “cloaked,” or surrounded by some might say, something of a ‘Scarlet A.’)!
Having said all that—the accounts given seeming to contradict these statements are persuasive and strong against everything I have read. Growing up we had three students commit in four years at our very small high school. I can only say that it felt like they were forever shunned—& almost no one ever again mentioned their names (at least out in public). It felt, “taboo,”
Somehow to do so. . & I can only begin to imagine what their families had to go through. Now, this was quite a long time ago. . & so, I’d like to be able to tell you that we’ve come so far as a country and everything has changed in terms of the stigma associated with said topic. But I don’t think we’re quite there yet — albeit somewhat closer, as a society — I’m still not sure we’re quite where we’d want to be! There are also never any guarantees in the planning, staging and thus implementing of such a stunt. Regardless of your level of expertise; or the skills with which you possess to pull it off, no thing is concrete or set in stone. In other words, things can and do and most likely, or will go wrong; or not exactly how you plotted them out - or expected them to, this is life, I’m afraid. And sometimes, too, death. So you may feel somewhat at ease or more conscience free from blame - but if you do not succeed (to pull it off - the “staging of a crime scene,” & yes- that is what it is... and it will be investigated as such, by people who are paid and trained and have a lot more experience doing what they’re about to do than you likely do - doing what you want or wish to do. Regardless of manner or fashion in which , you choose to follow through.). So, it’s a gamble- at best! Hopefully—you’re not ☝️ One - or the sort, that likes that kind of thing. Far too risky for someone like me - with the way my brain / mind works & thinks. Too many things unforeseen or left to chance. The variables alone are not only endless, but maddening!
 

Walker

Admin-a-monkey
Staff member
ADMIN
SF Social Media
SF Supporter
#17
Do people who follow through with suicide really have such understanding people around them to begin with?
Sure. Lots of people do. Look at plenty of posts and people here of suicidal people saying they have "perfect lives" but see no other way out of xyz situation. Further, I'd be hard pressed to find the person for whom ALL the people in their life are shit so when we're saying "well I don't care if it hurts *these* people" it's hard to weed out this other group over here who are unconditionally supportive or whatever.
 

Quietus

Well-Known Member
#18
I wouldn't care. I don't want anyone in my family trying to claim trauma after they have told me to go on and kill myself, or mocked my suffering, or remained stoic to it.

So it is what it is. At the very least, I might fear for my sister's health, but other than that, screw it.

Nobody gave a fuck when I was alive.
 

MisterBGone

Well-Known Member
#19
A also think that the guilt you feel is sincere, honest and genuine. So I hear you, and I do feel your pain. All I can say is , I’m sorry 😐 and I hope 🤞 that things can change. Though I know it isn’t quite as easy as that,,, good luck!!👍 : ) 🍀
 

Dark111

SF Supporter
#20
Sure. Lots of people do. Look at plenty of posts and people here of suicidal people saying they have "perfect lives" but see no other way out of xyz situation. Further, I'd be hard pressed to find the person for whom ALL the people in their life are shit so when we're saying "well I don't care if it hurts *these* people" it's hard to weed out this other group over here who are unconditionally supportive or whatever.
I hear what you're saying Walker but I'm not sure I buy that. If you were so lucky to have just a couple of unconditionally supportive people in your life, that would keep you off the edge. No, you're totally alone when you take such an extreme step. But maybe you can clarify further what you mean by "unconditionally supportive"?
 

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